Question for folks who are recovering from PIED or whose partners are recovering, have any of you experienced a return of ED symptoms when you change up the routine. Specifically, here's what happened:[NSFW]Since my husband has been rebooting, we've been having a lot of sex, although it's been variations of me on top. Yesterday, we were having sex with me on top. He was rock-hard, huge, etc. Then we decided to switch positions. He pulled out to switch and by the time we flipped around, his erection was at maybe 50%. He tried to keep going, but it was a mission abort. [/NSFW]. He was seriously upset, thinking that he'd disappointed me and just generally upset because he had thought the ED was completely a thing of the past. I was thinking about it and realized that before he went nofap, the vast majority of our sexual encounters had been [NSFW] mutual masturbation or oral [/NSFW] with him generally laying back and enjoying the show, so to speak, and maybe 3-5 instances of PIV in the past couple of years, with only one of those being with him on top and one where we were both standing. So, thinking about it, I estimate that out of approximately 650 O's that he's had in 2 years, only 2 of them came from him really being active. He's also gained some significant weight since our daughter was born (he's 5'11" and weighed 140 when we first met, 195 when we got back together and up until our daughter was born, then shot up to 265 in the years since then. Now, he's down to about 235 after a couple months of eating clean) and tends to get out of breath when he takes a more active role. I'm pretty sure those two factors are what led to the issue yesterday. I guess my question is, if you've experienced anything like this, have you overcome it and if so, how? I'm trying to figure out how to approach this with him without him feeling like poo. I've been doing cardio and weight training for about half an hour daily, which makes me feel great and he's been talking about joining me, but hasn't yet. I was thinking that if he were to join in that might help, and I'm sure that he will once he's ready to, but I'm not sure where to go with the rest of the issue, or how I should approach it with him, or if I even should, or just hope that he works it out for himself. I just felt so bad for him yesterday...
Hi, I can give you my two cents, since I'm facing the same issue. - personally, I think that insisting with an unnatural way to do it (mutual masturbation) is harming his recover. You should consider to stop do it. - I'm the opposite. I can do only the normal position and I can't change position because I lose the erection even while I'm doing it, but some times I get very turned on and I can feel it's rock hard. But you should try to totally revert to the normal way in order to help him heal much faster. - Your husband seems to be quite lazy. That can be difficult to change. But I'm sure that he will be happier if he can have normal sex and a good body shape, how to make him understand him though is out of my competences
This is actually normal during sex. My husband read a book that explained normal sexual erectile response in men and a penis normally has fluctuations throughout a course of sex especially as you get older. I also read this in my psychology course. Going from completely rock hard to 50%, then back to rock hard etc is normal. The problem comes in when a man with PIED doesn't know this and he thinks he's losing it and it's all down hill from there. When it happens and my husband starts to panic we might stop sex and talk about it (because my husbands mind starts going into overdrive thinking about past failures) or we may just go back to basic making out so he relaxes and gets out of his head. Might be something you need to discuss.
Thanks Adam and Limeaid!! Adam: Just to clarify, we stopped mutual M about a month ago when he started nofap. While I wouldn't call my husband lazy (he works 40-60 hours every week), he definitely has a tendency to be passive. I kind of think it's learned helplessness. When he was 15, his dad was killed suddenly in a car crash. His dad didn't have any life insurance and his mom lacked any type of job skills. My husband was 15 and a 15 year old's job can't support a household, so she remarried within 5 months of his dad's death, to a man who is just a jerk. Then his first marriage was really, really bad. I knew him very well when we were younger, before a lot of this happened and that passivity wasn't there back then, in fact, it was just the opposite. Limeaid, I will definitely tell him what you said about it being normal and to not freak out. That's super-helpful!! He tends to look at the world in a way that is waiting for the other shoe to fall, and he's been really excited about how much so many things have changed since he started nofap. I've been afraid that he'll take what happened yesterday as a huge setback when it's not.
Silvaticus -- With such a supporting and loving wife, I am sure he will be fine when all is said and done. PIED and performance anxiety is a really tricky mix -- take it from someone who knows as well as anyone -- but having a kind, patient and supportive partner is key. Your guy has that, and that's all he really needs as long as he stays away from PMO (and maybe loses a little weight). There will be setbacks, but it sounds like you have the kind of relationship that will allow you to work through those together. That will knock out his performance anxiety better than anything else. If only my partner was as willing to work with me....
Yes. I have been through this myself and like you said just making out or talking of something else for a little while sometimes fixes it. and sometimes it doesn't!
What works best for you guys when there is a "mission abort"? In an ideal world, how would you want a woman to respond?
Personally, I'd like her to tell me not to worry about it and suggest we try other things. Just knowing it's not a big deal to her is so important; and knowing that my loss of erection doesn't mean the end of the fun - that there are other ways we can be together and make each other feel good - is next most important. For example:[NSFW]Baby, don't worry about that. Come kiss me, and then if you want you can go down on me for awhile. If it comes back, we'll know what to do with it.[/NSFW] Or something like that....
Thanks, The Eleven! You know, I can't even begin to say how helpful you and many others on here have been to our marriage and to helping me understand my husband (and men in general) better.
You're welcome....but it's definitely a two-way street, Silvaticus. I have learned so much about the female perspective on all of this from you and the other women on the site. I understand my wife a lot better than I did before, and that can only help me in my continuing journey. It's great to have this forum to speak frankly and without fear to people who really do understand what we're going through.
^^ this is what works for my husband too. Having another way to please me to O was paramount to my husbands confidence.
What a really good thread. OK, you know me, long winded and too detailed, so prepare for the censor blocks. While he is in recovery he will always have doubts about his PIED! Also, muscle memory is a factor as well, meaning, if he is used to getting off laying on his back then he is conditioned to it. [NSFW]Here is my experience. I last the least laying on my back. I am most sensitive and least in control. This is actually better if you have a really hard time staying hard or getting off. This is how most men MO (time and privacy permitting). I could always control myself and almost never O when standing or sitting in a chair (I believe this has to do with pressure on the pelvis area). If a man is not in shape the very hardest position is missionary! I puts the most strain on a man (other than extremely strange Kama Sutra). Switching positions is really bad, it is a huge distraction and if you are dealing with PIED and performance anxiety (which everyone dealing with PIED is) then that'll usually do it bad. My wife and I have it down pretty well, meaning she has PIV O with me well over 90% of the time, if not more. But I have learned that plunging is not the method but entering all the way in and rubbing the pelvises together is what works almost without fail! The clitoris actually has roots going all the way down both sides of the vagina (the route of the labia) so consistent stimulation of this area with PIV should almost always induce an O. I am 50 and over weight (5' 11" at 235) and a bad knee, so I cannot do missionary. Here is the very best position, in my opinion for two main reasons. He can control himself and can please you at the same time. We switched to this because I was way too sensitive when she was on top. Or, I couldn't stay hard (due to PIED) or a host of things since she was in charge of all of the action. Here you go: Place yourself on the bed and adjust your height to his with pillow (depends on the bed). Basically the female lays on her back and the male stands. He enters all the way until your pelvises meet. He then proceeds with a nice and steady motion rubbing the pelvises together while he is stimulating himself and you with PIV. If he gets too close, he can slow or stop. Removing if necessary and rubbing the bottom of his penis up against your labia and clitoris, he will cool down and re-enter. There is no stress from trying to hold yourself up and you are comfortable laying on your back. He is still laying on top of you, minus all of his weight since he is supporting his lower body weight by standing. This is an extremely comfortable position for both partners.[/NSFW] Try it and I hope this helps. And let him (and yourself) know that his PIED will totally go away (but he should eat well and exercise as well, he will get huge gain after quitting MO)!!!
