Partners who stayed, what convinced you to stay?

Congratulations on getting your act together. Maybe my story can help you. Hopefully you don't want to hurt your girlfriend like I have been hurt.

I've been in a 10 year relationship with an addict, sexless. I can't compete with femdom. I wouldn't want to. Everything about them is disrespectful to both men and women. And did you know there is subliminal messages in these videos. Some actually come out and say they are doing sissy hypnosis. I've thrown him out many times over this, even in the snow. However, I am disabled with depression and anxiety and a shut in. Sometimes I can't even take care of myself. Something always happens and he sneaks his way back. I always make it clear that porn crossing the line and I expect sex at least once a week. I always think the fact that he stays implies that he agrees, but over and over we go through this.

I'm emotionally fragile and have even attempted suicide over this. It hurts all the time, especially when he gets caught. That physically hurts, like getting punched in the gut. Read the journals of other women here. This isn't anything new. It's very common. People can't believe it when I tell them my age and very nice men find me attractive, but I feel like an ugly, old, worthless hag and I do want to die. Life is just too painful. I've had enough unsuccessful attempts to pretty much give up on ending my life myself. Maybe when they bring in euthanasia.

I recently went on a long trip. The day before me leaving I caught him and his porn. He sneaks away when my friends are over and I'm distracted with them. I went crazy, as usual. Couldn't kick him out. I needed him home with my cats for the month I'd be gone. The days before that I was trying to cozy up with him. He loves to cuddle, but won't have sex. He thinks he's too highly evolved for that. (Well how does he think evolution brought him to this earth, I wonder?) I was away on a religious retreat and asked him to promise to give up porn for me. His answer was my bird died. His non answer was his answer. I didn't contact him for the rest of the trip and was very cold to him when I got back. Then one day I'm using his FB marketplace and these messages from some strange woman kept popping up. Eventually I confronted them both. It might have been nothing, but this always brings up all the past. You know women don't forget. Also, we know when something is going on that shouldn't be (or else are in denial). Subconsciously we know. Anyway I shut him out of my room for almost a week, went downstairs once to yell at him because I even found porn on the youtube history. We look because we know. A relationship without trust is worthless. Is that what you want? Do you want to hurt this person? How would you feel if the situation was reversed? You are not only disrespecting her. You are also disrespecting your relationship and yourself. Are pixels more important than her, like they are to my man? How do you think that kind of rejection feels?

I would love for him to recover and would be right there and proud of him, but it's not what he wants. Get the help you need. No one should have to go through this.

 

I lost trust by this happening over and over and I have explained to him that only a fool would trust him when everytime I turn around he gets caught. I wonder how much I don't know. He's not willing to stop so he's gone and this time I haven't been despondent about it yet, only shock at his expected departure. I went out with friends and kind of forgot. Got drunk, had fun and I have major memory problems to ease things a little. Sometimes you can feel the suffering in my words. I think I feel and come off detached this time, so far... Once he did agree to quit and he told me when he slipped up. It wasn't so bad as finding out on my own, and it let me know he was trying. There were mixed feelings, but mostly I was proud of him. Everyone is different though. You should probably ask her what you can do to help regain her trust. Remember, without trust you have nothing.

Good luck.

 

I stayed initially because we had 3 kids. In the midst of the world turning upside down that dday causes, I became pregnant again. So I wasn't in a good position to start over and I wasn't sure I wanted to be the one to wreck our kids' lives. After that it was a combo of his ability to remain clean completely alongside I wasn't sure I was ready to give up on my dream of being with only one person my whole life, the dream of meeting someone young and sharing an entire life together. Now I am staying for a combo of the reasons and because if I do leave I won't choose to be with anyone else again. I am not sure that this is not beyond hope yet and betrayal aside we are best friends. Right now I don't know which will hurt me more, staying or leaving. I'm waiting to see if he can give me the life I wanted.

Had we not had kids, had it not been already 2 decades together, I may have just run. The pain from this particular addiction is unbearable.

 

I'm gonna reverse this question. Knowing everything you know about your acting out and all of your thoughts and feelings you had about these other women and knowing that you tricked her into being with you in the first place..... Why do YOU think she should stay?

Not "why do you want her to stay?" Or "why would you like her to stay?", but really, why, for HER, should she stay?

 

For me, it was the fact, we had 3 little children. If we didnt, I guess I would end it the day I found out. I told him so. And he started working on really proving to me that he will get better. As far as I know, he stopped watching porn. And he does anything he thinks I might need or want him to do. Buys me presents. Helps with children. Hugs me, kisses me, even has sex with me. He changed in many ways and I fell in love with him again. But if it wasnt for the children initially, I would have kicked him out.

 

If you love her and you can't provide a reasonable answer for why you think it would be good FOR HER for her to stay, I think trying to create an environment that gets her to stay is not the right thing to do. Would you stay if she'd had the same thoughts and feelings you had to videos/images/whatever of other men? Or would you be miserable knowing what she preferred was not you and that she engaged in the same behavior? Then tell her that. "If you'd had the same feelings for others as I did, I wouldn't be happy staying" will tell her a lot and help her make the actual best decision for herself.

 

The only thing you can do is what you are already doing. Stop the porn, for ever and never start again. Be as transparent as possible. No more lies ever, about anything. Court her, be nice to her, think of whatever she might want you to do. Talk to her about how you feel, dont keep your feelings to yourself. Start therapy if you can. Dont ever think you are already ok and never let your guard down.
And hope it will be enough for her, because it still doesnt have to be enough.