Hi guys. I’m new here. I’m a 34-year-old male graduate student. I’ve been masturbating to porn since I was 15 or 16, which also happens to be right when the internet became widely available. (Ah, let me shed a tear for that brief period where I was more interested in searching for my favorite bands than naked women…) I’ve had a couple of long-term relationships (2 years) over the years, and a handful of shorter-term flings, but most of the orgasms in my life have been with the warm glow of the computer screen as my companion. I’m not proud of that. One problem is the desensitization. Once you get accustomed to breaking one taboo, you only get excited by breaking a stronger one, and eventually you find your sexual tastes totally misaligned with those of potential partners. I’ve been down that rabbit hole a bit, and I don’t want to go any further. The other problem is the erectile dysfunction. One of the reasons I haven’t dated more is that I haven’t always been able to get it up at the right moment. This has been incredibly frustrating over a variety of situations and women, and was a major factor in at least one breakup. I don’t know if porn is the whole story there, but I’m sure that resetting to a more vanilla state of mind can only help. I’ve tried quitting many times in the past, but never gone more than about two months without. I’ve tried marking a calendar, writing in a journal, and even seeing a sex therapist last year. Probably the best development happened when I discovered the Your Brain on Porn website early this year. It at least confirmed for me that this was a common problem, that there was a supportive community out there, and most importantly, that there was real hope of improvement. This led to a six-week abstinence streak as I spent fifteen minutes a day on there. The relapses started coming when school became stressful. It almost always happens late at night, when I am tired and/or stressed, sometimes when I’m already in bed. The key is to talk that person out of it—not the well-rested, healthy, goal-focused person I am at other times. The good news is that I'm only a 1-2 times a week kind of guy, so it's not an all-consuming thing. But that still means that all my sexual energy is going to the wrong place. I’d like to quit porn for life, full stop. But for now I will take the 90-day challenge, since that seems like the common thing, and certainly longer than I've gone before. I’m committed for the P and M, not sure about the O. Part of me feels that I’ve put off dating for so long and the time is right to get back into it. On the other hand, I understand that orgasm can trigger old habits, plus re-experiencing ED with a partner I like might be hard to take. I’m open to thoughts on that. I may be looking for an accountability partner, but I’m not quite there yet. I will also look into keeping an online journal. In the meantime, I look forward to becoming a member of this community!
hey nice to see you here dsr81. I think you really made a wise decision to come here for help especially from this supportive community. Your right about this, I've been down this line a few times as well, how a partner just can't cut it when its not the same as the P your viewing and nice your realise that because what I've heard from others or read is that it can lead to all kinds of things which will be harder to come back from so getting it now is a positive step more pro-active than re-active. Trust me P has so much to do with it. It leads back to the desensitization again, how being with women in reality is not cutting it and not exciting you as much as P. Again I've been there and sometimes still am and for sure it led to a horrendous break up. I'm sure its one of your main reasons for being here, to not let it happen and resetting will help to bring that back again, the longing for the real thing and eventually the pleasure of it. Of course there are many other factors, such as the ones that probably lead you to porn in the first place, those you need to undercover, but its always wise to check if its a physical thing as well as mental. I think you need to have a real proper think about this. For sure you want to get better before you contemplate this but also I'm a firm believer that you shouldn't ignore it either. I think sometimes you will be surprised by how some people can be with it, I was with someone who was very understanding of it, actually all my partners have been even if they didn't know why I suffered from it. It really helps if you can find that person who does because I feel a less judgmental person is what you will need to get through it. Anyway either way you might have to face it sometime because it might not recover instantly even if you don't PMO for a long time.
