No attraction to wife

This is very hard question to answer until you are sober. Your template for attraction is warped by porn.

You have to not ask yourself certain questions because they don’t help you stay sober or help your marriage.

As you get older, sexual attractiveness is less important in a marriage. Your values shift and appreciation for your wife should extend beyond physical attraction.

Even with all that, spousal weight gain is very difficult and the loss of physical attraction is painful. The best advice I can give is to focus on loving her and finding reasons to desire her at any weight.

 

Eventually, the attractiveness for all of us wears a bit thin as we age. I have no idea how old you are but does the idea of having sex with a 70-year-old lady sound attractive? That being said, I still need to be attracted to my wife. We have aged together and we are in our 60's and she is very attractive for her age. She looks great and a couple of my friends have weird crushes on her.

I'm not sure what advice I can give you, but if you want a healthy marriage then you have to be attracted to your spouse. It sounds like you have replaced sex with your wife with PMO. That's a horrible option and porn will ruin many other aspects of your life.

Good luck.

 

I lost attraction to my wife. And she talked me into getting her weight loss surgery. That was a big costly mistake. And my lack of attraction towards her had less to do with her and her weight, and more to do with myself.

Over the years, I've uncovered a solution that finally worked for me. By not giving myself permission to look at or think about another woman.

If my wife was the only woman in the world, then she would be the most beautiful woman in the world.

My wife has everything that every other women has. She has breasts. She has a butt. She has a vagina. There is nothing that any woman has that she doesn't have.

I've made her my one and only. I've chosen to make her enough. And that's all she ever wanted; for me to have eyes for her and her only. Now, I can't say that I do this perfectly. But I'm winning significantly more battles than I lose with lust. And I take each battle very seriously. And as I've conditioned my eyes and mind to align my sexuality to coincide with relationship and commitment. My attraction towards my wife has never been better. My erections are strong when I look at her amazing body. And when she turns 100, I'm still going to want to put myself in her. That's not going to change. I'm happy.

 

Welcome and I'm glad to hear you're on board!

That's a question you, and only you, can answer. But you won't be able to answer one way or the other, until you recover. The addiction will prevent you from having real connection with her or any woman. So, I say just make that your priority and don't worry about what happens in the future, because whatever it is will be better than where you are at now.

 

In addition to the things mentioned above, you need to look at what your addiction is doing to her emotionally. I don't know if she knows about it yet or not, but either way it is affecting her. My husband was a jerk when he was acting out. I had no idea it was happening, but his mood was so jerky and the way he treated me was not very loving. I went the opposite direction of your wife - got sickly thin and drank too much to cope. Not addiction level but I certainly skimped on food, eating mostly vegetables so that when I did drink wine to cope it wouldn't stick to me. And I had no idea what was happening at the time but found myself very focused on being as thin as I possibly could, otherwise I looked in the mirror and hated myself. So I can easily see how someone could go the other direction as well, not caring or using food to escape the bad feelings. I do agree with the other posters that porn is warping your view - none of us are going to stay perpetually barely 18 - but I also think that you can't expect her to be healthy so long as you are harming your marriage with this addiction.

 

What specifically do you find attractive and unattractive about your wife? Has this changed over time?

I'm married to one of those women who you describe. She's very attractive. Yet that by itself doesn't mean we have a perfect marriage. On the contrary it's actually caused a lot of heartache in our relationship that so many others have been attracted to both of us.

You are doing the right thing by opening up about this. And I definitely think it's possible that p can warp the views of attraction. Essentially high speed Internet p trains the mind to objectify others sexually at an unprecedented rate. It's going to take time to see changes there but it's worth doing.

 

I may not have articulated things well in my first post.

While I'm married to an attractive woman. I wouldn't say I have it all made. For instance. This month dates a year since I've had sex with my wife. I would guess we've had sex less than 30 times in the last 5 years. I don't want to go deep into details about me because this thread is about you. All I'm trying to point out is focusing on physical appearance has caused me a lot of pain and problems.

I'm just trying to offer another perspective that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

I'm sorry about your wife's weight. Honestly I think you need to talk to her, ask her how she's feeling, is she stressed? @used19 makes a good point about how your wife could be feeling. Have conversations with her about this. Have you told her about nofap?

 

My goal is to become the man that is so hot that her friends get jealous of her. And yet I don't give them time.

 

Well, if you were never attracted to your wife and didn't find her hot, I guess she can feel it. If you keep telling her for years, that she should lose weight, she knows she is not good enough for you. This might be you contributing to her gaining weight, if she is an emotional eater and copes with bad feelings by eating.

No, it wouldn't. Attractivity is not just about the shape of the body.
When I met my husband more than 10 years ago, I was quite attractive. But he didn't like sex with me a lot and tried to avoid it as much as he could. I could stand naked in front of him and beg and he absolutely didn't care. Now 10 years later, I am 10 years older, I gained some weight, I had 3 labors (one of them CS), have really big belly, still look like I am pregnant thanks to my big diastasis recti, my breasts lost their shape with pregnancies and years of breastfeeding and my hair is getting grey. And yet, my husband finds me much more attractive than when I looked like a model. He loves to have sex with me now, even though I objectively look much worse than before (I hate what I see in a mirror). And the reason he finds me attractive is...he stopped watching porn. That's it.
After I found out about him using porn, I stopped caring about what I look like. I know, that I cant compete with porn stars. I age and will continue doing so. They will be forever young and perfect. So, why even bother if I cant win? Why put any energy into something that would only result in my dissappointment?
Maybe your wife feels similarly. If she really puts in all the hard work to lose weight and suppose she succeeds, she will still be just the cute great woman you like, not the hot chick you would love to have for wife if you had the chance. Maybe to spare herself the dissapointment, she never puts her whole heart into the process. And this way can still dream you would find her hot if she lost weight. But deep down she knows that just wouldnt happen. She would look like years ago, just older, she would never be hot enough for you.

 

Its the same she asking you to stop doing pmo.

 

Its hard to not focus on what you cant change. Either acceptance and helping or moving on.

 

Does the fact that she won't lose weight despite your asking cause any resentment for you?

I ask because I feel that sometimes feelings of resentment can motivate or be used to justify porn use.

 

So you only love her if she’s thinner? Do her a favor then and leave. She deserves some one who loves her for her not for her weight. Then you can seek out all the men and women you wish without destroying her life.