I need help. To start off I have been clean for awhile now and married for almost four years. I have a beautiful little baby girl and I am expecting another child on the way. About our or five months ago I have taken my younger brother in law in to live with us so that he can be properly taken care of. I was trying to do the right thing and make sure that everyone is happy but soon things started to go down hill. He is fifteen at the moment and is very rude and disrespectful. I simply ask him to do a simple task that we agreed to when first taking him in and all I get are rude snideful remakes back. I have asked multiple times that he not speak to me in such a disrespectful manner and he just answers back rudely. At this point I am about ready to snap. My wife told me that she is unwilling to take sides between us. Yet if I lose my cool she is the first to yell at me and tell me that I can't talk to him like that but when he doesn't I still get yelled at because no one says a thing to him and I get upset. I do love my wife and child very much but I am at my end. I am almost to the point I just want to walk away then suffer anymore isolation in my home. I feel like no one is in my corner and I am looked at like the bad guy. I really want to go back to my porn habit because it would numb me down and I won't feel the pain anymore. So please if anyone has any advice please help. Thank you.
Wow, that is a difficult one. I assume because he is 15 and living with you, that things were not working where he was or an unfortunate circumstance caused this. Has he been in therapy to deal with whatever it caused this change? It must be hard for him too in a new place, with all the usual difficulties a 15 year old faces. He is most likely acting out because of this. You may need to take some time to think it through from his perspective. Have you established some house rules that need to be followed?This may help to spell out what is expected from him. It will also give you a voice. Your world is about to change again with the new baby arriving. Congratulations by the way. It will be tough on you and your wife. it sounds like you don't feel heard or supported by her. She is probably feeling stressed with everything as well. Can you sit down and try and talk it through in a non accusatory way? Tell her how you feel. Talk about the affect on you with no blame. Open up the communication between you two and let her know you are in pain with your situation. i wish you lots of luck. Stay strong and realise porn is not the answer. It will make everything worse. You need to be a good father and role model, being an active porn addict will hurt you and your kids.
I appreciate the advice but unfortunately I am unable to open a line of communication due to the fact that she thinks I am being an ass hole. No matter what I say she feels that I am the one that needs to tell him what I feel is wrong which gets me absolutely no where. As far as therapy or seeing someone I don't think he has and most likely wont
That sounds terrible. I am sorry that things are so bad that you unable talk to your wife. Sometimes I find heated issues easier to communicate if I write a letter. My husband can then read it and digest what I am saying before we discuss it. Have you asked her to expand on why she says you're an asshole? Perhaps she consider marriage counseling? i hope you can work things out.
Devorian... quite honestly, it's a no win situation in some regards. That being said since it's no win, there no reason why you can't do what is right. It's like being a baseball umpire calling balls and strikes. No matter what is called someone will like it and some will not. IMHO - I think it's a great opportunity for you to grow. Yelling will not do anything except create tension. Instead there has to be consequences and as a last resort, the brother in law has to leave or you do. This is your house (along with your wife). It sounds like your wife is avoiding the situation, putting you out on your own. Go to the library, get some books, read up secretly on how to deal with the situation. Speak to a trusted friend confidentially. Once you have a plan to attack the bad behavior stick with it religiously. I know there are plenty of books and programs out there on how to deal with defiant teenagers and that really is what you're dealing with. Once he starts acting like a guest instead of a prima donna things can change. Good luck, be true to yourself and protect yourself, your wife and your family. HF
Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I have been able to work past everything so far and I know that no matter what I need to work on me. I need to strive to be the best I can be whether or not others see it in me ia know it is there and with my household I know that I only need to endure for a certain amount of time. Steel isn't strong to start it has to be forged into a blade and made by a process that takes time and hard work to achieve. No matter what I am that steel and need to take the time and go through the process to hone myself into a will with no limit.
I hope that things will work out.. Remember too, working on oneself is a lifelong project... And fortunately or unfortunately (depending on your perspective), growth most likely happens in times of difficulties. I appreciate the idea of steel being tempered... I always liked the analogy of a crucible... Either way, the goal is to grow.. Best wishes D, HF
