my sad story

kyleisfree · Mar 12, 2016

Hi everyone,

Its taken great courage to write this but here we go, the whole sad story!

Im not sure if im addicted to porn or not as I would always get bored quite quickly after searching for the perfect clip to get off on. Id say im definitely addicted to MO though, I very quickly transitioned from occasional PMO to very frequent ‘risky MO’ ,firstly it was simply waiting by the window at home for a hot girl to walk by and then MO. I wasted hours/days/weeks of my life with this and it escalated into public places, trains, buses, planes even a club once. It was all very opportunistic but,if say I had to take a train somewhere , I would make sure I sat somewhere with an attractive girl in view to MO. The bigger the risk of being seen the better the orgasm/dopamine hit right? Anyway that was my thing for many years. I did have a few nice relationships inbetween. Im not a complete loser, maybe? Anyway the last 6 years I have been living off-grid in another country, so no real chance to engage in the above behaviour so much, thank god! But the triggers remain {attractive girls}, and if an opportunity came by then I would use it to MO. Sorry if this all sounds convoluted or doesn’t make sense, im not so good at expressing myself. Any for 6 years no I have been living in relative isolation from the world, no intimate contact with a woman in that time, no real deep connection to anyone where I am and with no way to really indulge in the above behaviour I started looking for ever more inventive ways to MO.

!!!WARNING!!! in the next paragraph I will describe my most recent method of O, Please, please do not read this if you are in any way subject to a relapse or temptation, it will seriously F$$$ your life up!

I discovered the fake vagina, amazing, almost like the real thing, but that’s not all, I found by getting very very stoned and then using sex toy equalled very intense O, then combine that with an image off the web of any girl you want to have sex with, it is so so close to the real thing and so addictive. And with constantly getting high I didn’t have any other the negative comedowns from continuous O. I was doing this the entire of last summer, 1 or 2 times a day, with sometimes the odd day off. I stopped for 3 weeks {not MO,just weed + toy} when I went back to my home country to visit friends {yes amazing I do have some, well 3!} but was straight back on it all when I came back up until the beginning of 2016. I quit the weed, that was easy, a month or so later I threw out the toy, also easy and have now been PMO free for 26 days.

So PMO free for 26 days has been up and mostly down, intense frustration, longing, anger, loneliness and so on. On reading more on this site {which is life saving, thank you so much for all involved} I realise I may be due a reset as I have edged 4 times in those 26 days, I didn’t know about edging or that it was a bad thing until yesterday. I also looked at some nude images about a week ago but was not really aroused and got bored after a few minutes.

Im lucky that I can talk about all this with my ex by skype, but only did this a few days ago. The hardest thing is being in a foreign country with no one physical to talk to, combined with deep self-loathing, shyness, a strong belief everyone hates me. Not O’ing anymore seems to bringing everthing up to the surface, all the repressed emotions, beliefs, everything is coming, there is no place to hide now! But I really want to go though it and come out the other side. I will try to keep posting here as it does help, as long as I can keep from feeling like a complete loser for writing all this to load of people ive never met!!

I feel the suffering some of you are going though, and I will really try to share the ups and downs of this process with you. Thanks for reading. X

r8js · Mar 12, 2016

welcome to nofap.
u said ur in foreign country.does unknown people/place/things is helpfull to u or not

bartlettb · Mar 12, 2016

That was a nice open and honest post for someone who has never posted before. There are so many people who frequent this site and don't partake. Not a criticism at all and each to their own, just that when people do open up like this it really adds a lot of value to the flavour of the community. I believe everyone has a voice and people do want to hear it, so let loose. You never know, you might find it quite cathartic too. Even better, you'll probably be helping someone too!

But in reply to you my friend, it sounds like you have a few things to deal with (and who here hasn't ;-) and being so cut off in the way you are definitely can create an imbalance in thinking (of sorts) and behaving, at least it did for me. Unhelpful thoughts can run ragged when we're caged up without people to bounce off, so I commend you on reaching out to the community as you have.

With regards to you wondering if you have a problem or not, I think you answered it yourself in the second line which I admire too, as you don't seem to be in denial about yourself, just a bit confused, but that might be more to do with being socially alienated than anything else. At least you are processing things. I hope you read over what you wrote.

Anyway, maybe the question you should be asking yourself is: what can I do to improve my situation, make myself happier and dispel the self-defeating jibes of that inner critic? Just baby steps, mind you. I know how debilitating shyness is and it has definitely been one of my key instigators behind PMO. PMO really does soothe the pain of loneliness that shyness creates and the subsequent fantasy world we become so attached to makes it that much harder to break free and get back into the real world. It's like we can forget certain skills, but they are still there...they just need to be exercised. As the saying goes: 'What you don't use, you loose'.

As for how bad you have it, well I suppose what ever I might say is totally subjective. I mean, we all think our story is the worst. That said, in my humble opinion you do not appear to have it that severely and maybe you should try some of those online 'sexual addiction tests / severity questionnaires' to get a different perspective?.

There's definitely the potential of it getting out of hand and that goes for everyone, so I'd definitely recommend you start taking more steps to change your life, your thoughts and everything about how you live because I'm a firm believer that it's everything that we currently think, do, say and absorb every waking and sleeping moment that supports our dysfunctionality. You might not appreciate it but I believe it's our existing routines that support our problem behavior the most, but they are so ingrained we tend not to pay any attention them. 'Stopping' is not just about not wanking, or not watching porn, or not having orgasms, it's about changing the thoughts and behaviors which always lead to us to acting out and that will take some work. Changing the relationship we have with ourselves on every level possible.

And change is not easy, no matter what it is, let alone one's entire life. And of course then there are those curve balls like when depression hits. Maybe because someone dies, or we get divorced, or compare ourselves to others who appear to have it all, or we feel so disjointed and cut off, maybe it's because of hangovers and come downs, or because of a lapse, or even all the above.

And by the way, it's not the lapse that gets us down, it's the immense pressure we put on ourselves by demanding success and counting days. Lasting change happens slowly. It's insidious, and it's definitely not about counting days. Counting days only highlights how long you lasted and when you set high level abstinence goals of say 30, or 60, or 90, 120 or 365 days then you are setting yourself for a massive fall and the problem lies therein because our self-esteem was shattered long before we started this program of recovery, so when we fall, as we invariable always do when learning how to walk, we only reinforce that sense of failure.

So what to do? I say start adopting the age old AA recovery tenet of "Take each day as it comes". That means live in the moment and focus on the 'Now', not the two, three or four weeks down the road as that's living in the fantasy world we have trained so hard at doing over the years. Life is happening now so embrace that in every which way you can.

If there are any athletes here I'm sure all would attest to the fact that thinking about the finish line when doing long distance run would drive you insane and only increase the pain. You'd also miss out on the joy of the run that experience when living each stride in the moment. Mountaineers don't look at the peak when climbing Everest, they have their heads focussed on each intricate step, in the moment, because to do anything else will result in a fatal error. The focus should be in the moment and that can be hard for the addicted mind which is trapped in lalaland.

If you'd like to chat more about this, then private message me, as there are some really simple steps we can take to get the ball rolling. All you have to do is put the time and effort in to them, just like you do with your acting out, so at least you know can create habits.

Sorry I blabbed on like this, but just found a flow and thought I'd give it a go.

Thanks for your post and I hope this finds you well my brother

kyleisfree · Mar 14, 2016

Hi,

I like to thank deeply for your thoughtful and insightful reply. Brought tears to my eyes! So thank you! I totally hear everything you said. I have no problem being 100% open and honest about this as clearly see that is absolutely necessary with this journey, definitely with ourselves at first and what is becoming increasing apparent within myself is to share it with others. Ironically for the last 10 years or so, at the same time I was doing all this PMO, risky wanking, etc, I was on a spiritual quest! Lots of silent retreats, daily meditation I even called myself a Buddhist at one point. How f%%ked up is that? No wonder I never seemed ‘to get anywhere’ with all the spiritual work! That’s why I can completely understand everything you said. For this process is an intensely emotional one for me, basically an entire lifes worth of repressed emotion is coming up now. The PMO issue, although very important and which instigated this whole process,and which im address through abstinence ,seems to just a part of something much deeper. I can trace it back maybe 25 years and at its absolute worst and peak the last 15, peak being the last few months. Yes its of critical importance and relevance but it feels like its not the whole story. Im totally ready and willing for change in fact I seem to slipping into ‘monk mode’, I haven’t watched any movies since this began, not through choice it just happened. Also im reducing my intake of news and conspiracy websites and shock/horror am even about to give up my absolute favourite show, the walking dead, almost at the season finale too! Im really aware of the emotional engagement I have in these things. Instead im justing watching uplifting documentaries and a lot of spiritual talks. I don’t have any fear of going online, there is no desire whatsoever to look at porn now and since learning about edging any desire there has gone too, for now, anyway! Although I am counting my days I don’t have any target in mind, seeing this whole process through to the end has now become my one driving ambition. Saying that a few days ago I did come close to relapse. I had just woken up and had this intense sexual energy, it felt like I was about to spontaneously ejaculate . then my mind grabbed hold of that idea thinking that if it happens spontaneously it will be amazing and might not count as a relapse, so I just lay there with no movement, no touching, no fantasizes but I was visualizing spontaneously ejaculating trying to will it to happen. Then I just thought , ‘fuck this’ im going for it, and started thrusting a lot just to get it out and over with BUT something stopped me, before even id reached the edge, because if I had edged I would have gone over for sure. But I stopped, and jumped out of bed, heart racing, mind all foggy, and sat and meditated! Ha ha…it’s a funny old journey!

Thanks so much for reading and understanding! Oh if you want to PM or post any help material/ techniques that would be great! thanks

quit4life · Mar 14, 2016

You can. You will. I guess these words are enough.

kyleisfree · Mar 15, 2016

r.js855 said: ↑

welcome to NoFap.
u said ur in foreign country.does unknown people/place/things is helpfull to u or not
Click to expand...

hi, sorry for the delay to reply. i really do love where i live,the country and way of life, and i do know plenty of people, its just because of my habit i simply could not or would not connect very deeply with others. for example i had a small business here where people would to place for a holiday. i would cook for them take them on tours etc. i would always get lots of praise and thanks, because they would have such a nice relaxing holiday in nature. BUT they were all just meaningless words to me because in my mind i would be thinking 'you dont really know me, the thoughts i have or things i spent most of my time doing'. its the same when people i know first visit my place and are so amazed at everything i have done, all the hard work and so on. so many kind words, which i simply cannot accept, its actually almost painful to hear them!

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