my partner does not believe in me

With all due respect, I think you’re in the right place to ask. We’re all in this together. I’ll tell what I think: women ALWAYS try to put us down, in order to check if we respect ourselves enough. She’s testing how much power she has over you. Jordan Peterson said that, if I’m not wrong. Once she starts noticing that you can act independently, no matter what she thinks or what she says, that’s the moment when she’ll stop trying to put you down. Respect yourself, don’t relay on her to walk the nofap way. Keep this fight to yourself and the brothers in this forum. She’ll notice the change w/o needing to tell her. Once you start respecting yourself, she’ll follow. The only hope you need is yours. You’re the only one who has to believe in you. The world then will follow.

 

How long have you been cheating on her and lying? That could account for her lack of hope. No, women don’t ALWAYS want to put their partners down, in fact, generally, it’s the sex/porn addict who has consistently put down their spouse while in addiction. Your wife has betrayal trauma. You have seriously damaged her and she will need help to heal from this. Good resources for you - Helping Her Heal,
Worthy of Her Trust, Out Of the Doghouse, Treating Pornography Addiction by Dr. Kevin Skinner , Out of the Shadows by Carnes.

 

If you think so, that’s fine. It’s in line with today’s feminist thinking, where she is always the victim, and male are the villain. If you’re comfortable thinking that way, I respect that, but I disagree.

Step 9 of AA step program says: (We) Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Telling her is a subconscious way of making an amend.

OP keeping her wife up with his struggle , is probably making her feeling shame, guilt and mistrust. It only makes things worst. And by telling her she’s victim of trauma, it puts him in complete disadvantage, and it’s a matter of time for her to leave. Women want men that respect themselves. They want strong men (both fisically and psychologically) to take care of them, not boys to be taking care of.

 

Lying to her and keeping secrets injures her. She has been through a traumatic event. She has been at a disadvantage in the relationship for their entire marriage because of his cheating and lying. It will only be a matter of time before she leaves if he continues to cheat and lie, that, I agree with. That is the action of someone who only cares about himself and chooses to not be a decent person to his wife. If he cannot be faithful, honest, and loving, he deserves to lose her and should stay single until he can learn how to treat a partner.
Girls want someone to take care of them, women want a partner, not a cheating, lying man- child they cannot trust. Women want men who respect them.

 

Just to add, my partner basically never puts me down. If someone's putting you down for no good reason, that's not acceptable and reflects poorly on them.

It could be though that a failure to change in the past has given them what they perceive to be legitimate doubts about your motivation. I don't know, we don't have the full picture.

I would just focus on your recovery. If disclosures on your part meet with a negative response, just keep your own counsel. Just do whatever maximises your odds of kicking the habit. You'll be in a better position to negotiate the issue of trust or faith in your resolve once you're a couple months clean.

 

I told my wife I had this issue, a year ago, once. And that was all. Never spoke again of it. She knows my struggle, my efforts to overcome it, and she supports me. But I don’t keep talking about it, I won’t allow this to monopolize my conversations and relationship, and definitely I won’t give her the power to manipulate me thanks to PMO.

You have to be sincere, but also have to be WISE. One thing is to lie, and another different is to be so open about you that you put yourself in disadvantage.

The virtue is in the happy medium

 

The likely reason she is putting you down is because she is still hurting deeply inside. That may hurt you, but like you are a journey to grow out of your addiction, she will have to eventually find her journey to grow out of her pain.

 

Something maybe to add to this is understanding that the feelings of the SO are going to bounce around a lot. There's going to be times where they may want to know more, others when they'd rather not think about it at all. So don't go in thinking that the SO has to have what they need figured out the first time they are asked. Be open to an array of feelings and be prepared to communicate about them over time.

 

Would agree with Psalm - all very good books and will help you and give you some perspective.

 

If you're going to disclose, then fully disclose with the help of a professional therapist. Don't have disclosures come out in a drip, drip, drip fashion. That will just keep causing severe pain and hurt her ability to heal and ever trust you again when she's going to feel like "when is the other shoe going to drop."