So today I got up and got Haggis out the door and headed to the doctor for a rash that I have had since Saturday (it feels like there are bugs crawling under my skin). The PA told me that it is sun poisoning or I'm allergic to the aloe that I used... I'm on steroids now. The itching has subsided a bit which is very nice I find myself worrying that Haggis is PMOing but I thought about it today...okay so he had some ED for the past few nights. He has been in an incredible mood lately. If he were PMOing, in no way would he be this happy and content. I think it's more along the lines that he just hasn't really wanted sex lately and maybe I'm putting too much pressure on him. I do not want to do this and I asked him last night if he maybe just wanted to take a break from it for a little while, he said he didn't. I need to change my OLD way of thinking into a NEW more HEALTHY way of thinking. Clearly he isn't PMOing or he wouldn't be so damn cheerful all the time. He has had a horrible crazy and busy work week and he still is beaming with joy when he comes home to me. He has blockers on his computer (not his phone) and his password is itsnotworthit. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be able to type that, think of the look on my sad face and proceed. The trust is starting to come back and I can tell that he is being honest about this. It has been a trying week but we are both still standing. I feel better after posting those things about my past but at the same time still feel very uneasy. I think it's because I don't like to think about those things. Problem is, I have to think about them in order to move forward. I am coping in healthy ways now by talking through my problems instead of running to something to numb me- Nice big leap forward.
So far, very good morning! We had a couple very good talks last night and spent some time together. We made the most beautiful love last night and just held each other. It feels so good to be with Haggis and know that he isn't judging me for my past, he never has. We both slept through the night and woke up very refreshed, this is AWESOME because last night was the 7th night in a row that I have not taken ANY medication to make me sleep. I am thrilled that I no longer depend on meds to get through the night. Woooo hoooooooo!!! And @Haggis 115 days! That's an even bigger woooo hoooooooooooooo! Stay strong everyone . Push through the bad days and walk toward the good days. Sometimes it seems there are no good days but they are there... You just have to really try for them!
I'm trying not to get too exited but we saw a house today and loved it! We are hoping that the guy will work with us on a couple things and we will sign the lease. We started packing today and are looking forward to a new start in a new house. Great Saturday for us. Hopefully we will find out in the next day or two whether or not this is our new home!!!
@Haggis: After reading your wife's post #145 about her past sufferings i was really shocked,surprised and upset for a while.I think posting this to your journal but still I am writing here: I read few posts of her journal once and what i felt that she was very insecure about something(and later she revealed that truth) means once can easily get to know that after reading.After all this is also a medium of expression.She is still insecure and she is getting better and better slowly.I just want to thank you for helping her in this.It has nothing to do with me in this matter but still for the sake of Humanity you certainly deserve this praise.She still might think that being sexual and that way can ease her a bit.Its a path that she might have thought helping her in this case and so got trapped.But Haggis this is you who can make things much better for her and make her calm and confident in all respects of life.Sex is certainly not everything in life.Life is a lot more besides sex.You are the one who can help her for the respect,self belief,confidence,dignity and confidence to feel better about herself and her future which she deserved in those suffering days but somehow missed that.This will make your bonding further strong.And as nature's process is slow but sure so things will get better for sure.I feel you must be understanding as a man what i want to say here.You can make a big difference as you are already doing.At this stage she knows what forced her to this path so things would be much easier and better than earlier for both of you.When you know the root of any problem then it becomes very easy to find solutions right?(Don't take this in a negative way as I never meant that). Good luck to both of you.
Hey @Selfdiscovery . I'll reply here and hijack my wife's journal briefly I'm doing my best to be understanding of my wife's feelings and I appreciate your vote of confidence in my ability to do so. I feel woefully inadequate but together there isn't much we can't do. You're correct that this is a slow process, but it's one we're both committed to and we grow closer every day. We're digging at the roots of a lot of problems for both of us and always appreciate third-party views on the matter. Thank you sir! Oh, and @Blondewife ....love ya toots
Okay, still having some insecurities. I don't know if I am just running myself ragged or what but at the end of the day, all of my previous feelings of hurt and anger come back with a vengeance. I am so worried about Haggis getting back on P. Why? I have no idea. It has been 118 days, he has proven himself to me. I feel like a nag who can't let anything go. I think I try to convince myself that I'm over it and that I'm fine and I think it does me more damage than good. I also find myself trying to hide my feelings from him because it is so repetitive. It would be one thing if he was giving me reason to doubt him but he isn't. He is being wonderful. He played his computer for 5ish hours yesterday, maybe this is it? I just wish I could move on.
My advice: Stop feeling guilty about how you feel. Is it right or wrong? Is it rational or irrational? Is it fair or unfair? Is it naughty or nice? Answer: It doesn't matter. How you feel is how you feel and there's nothing wrong (or right!) about how you feel. What good does it do you or anyone else to try to hang a label on the feeling? To try to cram the feeling in a box? It's just how you feel, and that's all it is. Have you considered doing some mindfulness meditation, like Haggis? It's all about letting thoughts and feelings arise in the mind, and then letting them pass without engaging them (i.e., without assessing them as good/bad, etc.); realizing that all of those feelings -- like everything else -- are impermanent and part of a constantly changing reality.
Eleven, I should try the mediation thing. I hardly find time for myself and this would be a good start. I also need to start running again but with all the moving plans and boxes everywhere, i always find excuses. I am still losing weight (7 pounds until I reach my original goal) but even though I'm getting healthier physically, I really need to work on the emotional side of things. Thank you, I am going to try to be better about posting again too- I think that will help a lot.
So I also realized, my mind gets away from me when I am at work. I am am afternoon receptionist and it gets very quiet up here. I try to stay busy by planning meals, planning what I will do when I get home, so on but some days it is easier to say busy than others. Because I have such an overactive brain, I have to stay busy all the time or I worry. I will be better at planning things to occupy my time while I am at work. I finished writing a cookbook about a month ago, that really kept me busy. I will need to start another one
Home from work, dinner is cooked, eaten and the kitchen cleaned up. Haggis has been a posting fiend since he got home, which makes me happy. It reinforces that he is serious about this. We are still waiting to hear back about the house and I think that is adding a lot of stress. I think being able to identify what causes me stress and some of the feelings that have been creeping up is very important. I feel better after coming home and talking to Haggis a little more. I just need more time. I need to stop rushing myself into feeling better because it isn't working and it's actually making it worse. I haven't been as good about journaling as I was and I think maybe that's one of the reasons I am feeling these things so strongly now. I am great about posting to others journals and giving advise, I'm not so great at taking it.
@Haggis & Blondewife! Thats good going for both of you.And Haggis you seems to be very positive by your statement.Keep this up in your pragmatic life also after all I am still typing on virtual world.I think you understand well and doing really appreciable work for yourself and your lovely wife. Blondewife:Just keep your journey on... things will improve for sure.They improved for me then i think it'll come out positive for you people too just have patience and faith in yourself.And above all trust and truth is the biggest thing.Be loyal to each other and I am sure if we become friends and if I'll ask both of you after a long 30-40 year"hey hru?and you replyas"we are in perfect shape in all walks of life"wouldn't it be nice to hear? Anyways best of luck to both and God bless!
A huge weight has been lifted and I can feel the stress melt away. We got the house! I think this will take away a lot of the stress we have had lately, at least bad stress. Now the good stress of packing and moving begins.
It's been a good morning so far. I had some problems last night but I think it's because of all the change going on. Haggis is being very supportive and unbelievably patient while I sort all of this out. We are going to sign the lease in 1 hour and then I have work. I hope to be able to keep myself busy today so my mind doesn't wander. I've got dinner planned and ready to go on right when I get home from work and then I imagine we will be doing some more packing. I've already gotten some done today but we really need to organize this better... We are in a very tiny place with a bunch of stuff so it may take a while to get everything done. Difference is, last time we moved, I packed/organized everything and Haggis just moved it all to the truck. Pissed off the whole time. He has not seemed mad to help me AT ALL this time. If anything, he is more ambitious to get this done than I am! Haha.
I'm very happy for you and @Haggis, Blondewife. It seems very fitting that the two of you will have a change of scenery together this year. Congratulations!
I am so happy for you guys! A new fresh start with a new relationship . We just bought a house and are moving too and although I will miss some of the memories of our old house the new house will represent a much better chapter for us!
Thank you Eleven and Limeaid! We were actually talking about what great timing this is- we wanted to move a year or two ago but just didn't make it happen. Now, we can start over fresh at a new place which is very fitting at this point in our lives
So I haven't been posting a whole lot lately. I have been in a kind of slump and feared sounding repetitive. I know it doesn't matter how I sound and it's my journal and if I can't write it here, where can I write it? At the same time, I am battling the same feelings as I have described before. Feelings of anger and resentment. I am not currently mad at Haggis by any stretch of the imagination. He has been wonderful. I just feel somewhat stuck in my old frame of mind- hurt. He hasn't really wanted sex much lately (I know we are tremendously busy) and that always throws me off. It has been 4 days since we have- I know that doesn't sound like a lot but when I think of him PMOing every day or every other day, I think he should want to do stuff with me just as often as he was getting his rocks off by himself. I am sure this is all due to how busy we are and I probably haven't been very inviting with my attitude lately.
We are home from work, have eaten and had a couple of drinks. I think we just needed to chill and relax for a minute. We were in the kitchen talking while I was making dinner and we realized, we really hadn't kissed or held each other or really even hugged for a few days. I guess we have been busier than I thought. I feel tremendously better after posting this afternoon and don't know why I keep fighting with myself about journaling. I tell myself, well, things aren't any different than they were yesterday so what is the point? Well, this is the point. I feel much better and need to remember that talking about this stuff, even if nothing has changed, makes me feel better. Haggis has been 121 days and I am so proud and happy for him. This has been something that has haunted him since he was a kid and now he can say that he has done it. He has a heart of gold and damnit he is trying so hard. He is such a pleasure to be around now. He is so funny and cheesy all at the same time. I love being around him. Now that I noticed that we can apparently can go without physical contact for a few days without noticing.... I think we may remedy that. Other than that, I will continue to journal because when I don't, I get in a funk. At least that's what I think it was. Good luck everyone
It's your journal write what you want lady!! As usual I know how you are feeling. It might help to know that we went through this too. In the beginning sex was constant, sometimes twice a day. That lasted a few weeks. I think it has a lot to do with the manufactured desire to get dopamine and it hasn't regulated yet. Then we went through a bit of a slump where we had sex less frequently, maybe 2x a week. Maybe it was a flatline I am not sure but looking back it probably was. He seemed less focused on sex anyway. Then slowly desire for sex came back and it has evened out to a nice amount each week. I think natural and normal sexual drive is much more even and not as "frenzied" if that makes sense. Haggis probably feels less occupied by sex which is why he is able to get stuff done. My husband doesn't think about sex nearly as much and when there is something to do he won't think about it all....until 10pm at night when I am exhausted . Anyway I know you guys are busy with the move so that is probably taking a priority right now. When Haggis was PMOing his drive was not for natural sex it was for dopamine so completely different and the amount he PMO'd will be different than the amount he wants to have sex. You shouldn't be afraid to initiate either even if there is ED. Connection is what you are craving anyway
Thank you Limeaid. This made me smile so big! You always know just what to say to put my mind at ease. I do worry about the sex... I have a very high sex drive (maybe too high?) and I thought he had a high one too. It helps to know that I am not alone in some of my feelings and that this is normal. I also have A LOT more energy than he does on a daily basis so this probably all adds up. It's amazing how sitting here typing all of this out, I am figuring stuff out that I hadn't considered. Thank you for the support, it's always nice to have your view on things.
