Let's try this again...

Hi all. First time poster here. I have been trying to quit porn since 2022 and I've been struggling horribly. I started watching porn at age 13 and I am now 34. I am an attorney and I started my own law practice in 2018 a few months after getting married. I have one kid, a little boy. My addiction got really bad around end of 2020, after my son was born. Prior to that I watched porn maybe once or twice a week. But it got out of control the more time I spent by myself at my office, all alone riddled with COVID anxiety and the uncertainties of life after COVID. I found myself watching porn for hours and hours and edging. Often times I've spent upwards of 8 hours watching and edging to porn. It's fucking embarrassing. For a whole year I tried to just quit cold turkey, and would relapse every couple of days.

I told my wife last year (february 2023) about my porn use and how much it has been destroying me as well as the devastating impact on our marriage. She was very happy that I came clean to her but I think talking about it daily with her made it really uncomfortable for her. I ended up relapsing after 29 days. And that initial 29 days was longest streak ever. Initially, I was honest with her about every relapse, but eventually she stopped asking me and I stopped telling her. That's neither here nor there. This is not in any way her fault. On the contrary, I think she's a saint for sticking with me despite knowing the truth. For This is on me and my inability to exercise self-control. Porn addiction is very polarizing in terms of other addictions out there. For example if I was addicted to opioids or alcohol, I could openly talk about that among most people and I would be applauded of viewed as being "so brave" for fighting the addiction and wanting to get better. But with porn, the usual reaction is disgust. And that is probably the most painful part about all of it. I'm a decent lawyer, a husband to an amazing woman, and a dad to the greatest little boy in the world. But the minute people hear that I also am horribly addicted to porn, I'm the "bad" guy. That fucking sucks. Or at least in my head that's how it all plays out.

Anyways, I desperately want to kick this addiction. I'm sick and tired of being... sick and tired from all the porn. I know the benefits nofap are real and I definitely experienced them on my 29 day run. I've done a deep dive learning a lot about the addiction cycle and the traps that our dopamine addicted brains lay for us that get us to relapse. And counting days has only fucked me over. I want so badly to get to 90 days. But it just seems impossible and insurmountable. Like a mountain that I'll never ever climb. 90 days looking forward always feels so far away. 90 days in hindsight always feels like time went by in the blink of an eye. But looking forward is what causes the anxiety to set in and I convince myself that just one porn video won't hurt. And well, you know how the rest goes.

So I decided FUCK counting DAYS... for now. Right now I am counting HOURS. This seems more doable. And 90 hours is certainly less daunting than 90 days. A good friend and former alcoholic friend of mine once explained to me how he kicked his 40-year drug and alcohol habit. He said whenever he would reach the "witching hour" he would tell himself, "you can do it man, you can go just a couple more minutes before you get your fix. You can go just an hour; another hour; a couple hours, and before you know it you've got a whole 24 hours - 1 day in the books." This approach seems to be more my speed.

I've been keeping a little journal that I carry with me everywhere and I've been tracking my mood and thoughts and logging every hour of nofap. This has been a lot more motivating for me. I tried finding posts on reddit and on here to see if anyone had any positive experiences with counting hours but to my dismay I could not find any such posts. Or maybe I just really suck at searching for stuff.

Anyways, I'm at 50 hours now and I'm feeling really motivated. I know its not that long, but this makes me happy. Maybe it's just a number thing where I want to just see myself complete NINETY of something - whether its hours or days, I'll fucking take it. I know that 90 to 120 days is the timeline to fix the neural pathways created by addictive behavior. And I desperately and genuinely want to achieve that milestone and never ever watch porn again. Counting in increments of hours just makes it feel like a more possible task.

Also, counting hours helps me be more mindful. With days, so much shit can happen in a day that can trigger certain feelings/emotions that cause me to watch porn to get that dopamine rush. But with counting hours, I've been more present and in tune with how I feel and that has really helped me in fighting urges. And that feeling of being able to go hours throughout the day is just super gratifying. It makes it feel like I'm going a longer distance and it also prevents me from going on "autopilot" during the day and just giving in to my porn seeking urges.

Bottomline: I just want to get better and be better. I want more accountability in my life from a group of people who (I hope) won't judge me and will instead celebrate my little wins. I don't want to just exist in this life, I want to fucking LIVE. That's borrowed from my favorite Oscar Wilde quote. Excited to join this group and get off Reddit. Thanks for reading and wish me luck!

 

Hey thanks so much for the support man! Honestly, it's been really great. I meant to reply to this sooner but was getting overwhelmed. I'm now at 318 hours. Those bigger numbers just make me feel all sorts of good. Even that only equates to 13 actual days. This hours thing is pretty cool though. It's great for my confidence and going "just a few more hours" is just feels a lot easier to do than going a "a few more days." It's weird, it's just how my brain chooses to perceive it. I don't know where you are on your journey, but I would give this a try if you've struggled with relapses.

Let's get after it and get another 90 hours under our belts!

 

Hey man, thank you so much for sharing this. This is the kind of camaraderie I've been looking for. I'm using a similar app on my computer called Covenant Eyes. It does the same thing with screenshots and notifying my wife about any questionable material. But since it does not block non-porn suggestible images/videos, I also took it a step further and installed an app called SelfControl. This app has been great. Basically I can put a list of websites on there that I don't want to access ie. "Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, youtube, etc," and I set a timer for like 5-10 hours and those websites are completely blocked during that time. I would highly recommend it. I found myself on facebook and youtube a lot more since all the porn has been blocked and I started getting a lot more suggested videos that were a little triggering for me. But with this app on my computer it's been a great way to avoid thos triggers.

Good luck on your journey man and stay sober. We can all do this!

BTW I'm at 318 hours, and I feel fucking awesome!

 

I'm sorry to hear that man. But you've got the right attitude. "You never fail until you stop trying." Get back on the horse and kick some ass!

 

Thanks man. So far this method has been really great and is working for me. I've had a very stressful couple of weeks (work related) but I've managed to stay clean and not give in to any urges. I think the counting hours and the accountability with this forum has been really motivating for me. Also, being completely locked out of my devices for several hours at a time has also helped.