I want to quit forever

I have tried so many times to quit watching porn. It's unbelievably difficult. I've gone a month at most without it, but then I rationalize by saying things like "Oh, it's been awhile, it's no big deal." And before I know it, it's happened.

It starts off with a random thought, like "Wow, I haven't watched porn in a really long time, that's awesome." Then, I start thinking about porn. I get this sensation in my stomach, I'm guessing what is the equivalent to what someone would feel who wants their next "fix" - although I don't really know if that's accurate. As I look up porn, I get a feeling that I just can't explain - it's like excitement or a high of some kind? Weird, I know. Then, before I know it, it's over and I immediately feel disgusted and angry with myself after ward. I feel like this filthy piece of garbage with no sense of control and no morals. "What am I doing?" is usually the first thing that comes to mind.

I've looked up all the science behind what happens to your brain on porn in an attempt to motivate me to quit watching it. I am aware of the dopamine fix, the objectifying of women, and how it impacts relationships. I think I am a pretty reasonable and rational person, and all of the science makes sense to me, but the urge hits me out of nowhere and despite my absolute strongest efforts, I cannot seem to stop this addiction once and for all.

I used to "fap" all the time in my early twenties. Back then, it created tons of problems with my girlfriend and I. Nowadays, I have somewhat control over it, or do I? I mean honestly, I can go a week or two and 'fight the urge'. But after awhile, my brain says "Okay, bud, been long enough, get it done" and as soon as an opportunity presents itself, off I go.

I joined this site as a place where hopefully I can express my thoughts and feelings here and get validation of the fact that I'm not alone, and that this can truly be beaten. I have quit smoking, even quit drinking alcohol! But this one, by far, is the most challenging one yet.

I don't know how I will do it, but somehow, some way, I will quit forever. This is Day 1.