I met a girl... starting to date

I've been pretty bad as well recently man, I've found it hard to stay motivated and I only just came back on today. Getting busy is the best way to forget about this. Sorry about making that about myself.

I've never been in this situation, but it seemed like you really lover her, or liked her a lot, so definitely talk to her, maybe bring up the relationship(or possibility of trying again), maybe don't, that is up to you, but definitely talk to her. You don't want to regret not trying, you won't regret failing at something, but you will regret not trying, especially when it comes to things like this, and people like her. Also be honest and open, that always makes things much easier for people, it helps the other person o understand as well so they don't have to guess things about what you mean and why you did things.

Try to stop PMOing, you have to do that for yourself if you want to move forward(in a kind of metaphorical way, it isn't physically holding you back), also try getting involved with more things, especially try mediation, just sit down, maybe listen to music, and close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Another thing I've found helpful when i'm stressed/anxious is to sit down and think about what i'm anxious about, but go step by step when trying to resolve it, down let you mind go off on tangents or get overwhelmed, the key it to try remove your emotions from it and go step by step until you understand the problem on your own terms.

Good luck man, I'm hoping everything goes the best it can for you, just keep being the best evrsion of yourself possible.

 

Thanks @StartingOver

I guess I was just reeling from everything. I am back on here now and hopefully things will get better. I know I cannot continue this way.

 

I always believe if it's meant to happen it will. Work on yourself Newman, be the best you can be. Things might turn around for you and her or maybe you have a different path.

 

Sounds as though you are having some reflections about yourself through this process which is great. Without being aware of ourselves, our behaviors, how can we change the things that are wrecking us. You might do better if you see a therapist as well as using this site. It sounds as though you might have some abandonment issues or childhood trauma You need to work through and may not even be aware of. No one likes to be vulnerable in a relationship but if you don't take that chance you will be single forever and have missed out on a deeply loving relationship. Dating to then breaking up because you start to have feelings makes dating useless. Also the fact that you are dreaming of finding that better car with more bells and whistles may be a shallow part of you that you have not admitted to yourself. I think you really want love like we all truly do, and probably really are a nice guy inside but maybe been through some things that have left you a little angry, bitter and untrusting of others. You should reevaluate your life, your past and think of what you want your future to be and make the changes necessary to accomplish that, time is wasting away and you may be passing up a woman who could be your soulmate over irrational thoughts, imaturity or misunderstanding of your feelings. With all these mixed feelings inside its not going to end if you can't understand it. There are no guarantees in life other then if you do nothing, you will gain nothing. Don't wait for the rest of your new life to start. Best of luck

 

Some time has passed, so I have more perspective when it comes to the relationship. Mostly, I think that I jumped into a long distance relationship with someone who was a great person, but just not for me. I am not saying I did not have any intimacy issues, because I definitely do, but I did not feel the attachment grow once things grew deeper and we spent some more time together.
Long distance relationships move fast in terms of intimacy. The level of fun is less than when you can casually see someone, and they are a LOT of work. I was not ready for that. I learned a lot. I am better off for it, and she has told me the same. And we are still friends that touch bases every now and then.

 

Hi. I read all of your posts and it is unfortunate that your relationship came to an end. I understand that both of you were dealing with complicated emotional issues from your respective pasts. However, I believe one factor that ended your relationship, as you mentioned, was your fear of intimacy. Have you ever considered that porn usage may be the cause of this?

In watching porn, we can choose the category, the actress, and the duration of the scene that we would like to view. We psychologically become intimate with multiple women and we can choose which one suits our current mood. We are able to suppress our thoughts and emotions by occupying ourselves with what is occurring in the scene. We learn to avoid expressing and tackling our feelings. In general, women are much more expressive in this regard, and it creates a rift in the relationship when the man does not open-up. I don't blame you, as I personally struggle with expression myself. Society places a stigma on men that makes us feel as if we must be strong, alpha creatures. But, women also want us to show them our vulnerability and open up. She may have not been the right woman for you, but it sure as hell sounds like you were infatuated with each other.

Besides, I believe it is difficult to be in a monogamous relationship while watching porn because you will always be searching for novelty. You stated that you felt like you became less physically attracted to her and started to find faults in her appearance. This realization may be porn-induced. The porn industry strives for perfection - the companies know exactly how the brain works, so they display women with the right amount of makeup and physical proportions that we find them attractive based on our evolutionary instincts. Thus, when we are with a real woman, and we do not see this perfection, we become conflicted. We start to perceive the woman as no longer attractive. But, the reality is that no one has a perfect physique. You just need to ask yourself if you can live with your woman's imperfections. Can you appreciate her soul, or will you allow the porn-induced physical objectification of women take-over your thinking?

If I were you, I would first tackle PMO on hardmode prior to investing in your next relationship. Who knows ... maybe you will once again develop feelings for this woman. You may even fall in love with another woman.

 

Les, you're very right about all you wrote. Not only does porn distort your views on women and healthy sexuality and reality but I believe it also causes insecurity issues to both men and women. Just as much as women may become insecure thinking they are not "hot" enough in comparison to the air brushed, plastic surgery, lingerie induced, eager to please women in porn, I think men also become affected with how they look or perform so sex with a screen image is more fulfilling and easier then facing any type of possible reject from a real woman because you can't last for hours as porn portrays a man does. Porn is a brainwash, it creates a fantasy and is not reality driven. I think most men who are addicted realize this now because of failed relationships, pied, and most of all because of dopamine addiction, the search is never ending because the brain can no longer be content without novelty, like clicking through the tabs of porn, changing the imagery to get excited, never being able to be content with the constant or "vanilla". Its an obsession for that next jolt of dopamine.

 

@Les_Brown
I also agree. FWIW, I had almost three months of hard mode under my belt when we broke up. I understand wanting to be 100% clean before getting into a relationship. It's what I want to do. But when does one say, "Okay, I am good now. I am ready for a relationship"? Is it 90 days? 6 months? A year? What if one meets someone before they reach their preset goal? We all agree that porn addiction will always be a battle in the world we live in, especially for those that have a past with it. Do they say "I am an addict, and therefore unsuitable for dating," even though they may be fighting and making progress? A healthy, supportive relationship may be exactly what they need to give them extra motivation and strength to be ultimately victorious. In my case, I had intimacy issues as a child long before I ever started PMO, so porn is more a symptom of underlying insecurity. It certain exacerbates the problem, but it is more of a coping/avoidance mechanism than it is the cause for me.

I say this, not to disagree, but to say that I think it is a personal decision on when one enters a relationship. It's a big decision, and one should think deeply about where they really are in their journey and about the other person and their happiness/well- being. One has to be realistic and know that if they are still on PMO they may likely fail and cause heart break. Insecurity, dishonesty, and selfishness are all that PMO will bring.

I want to make 90 days before I ask anyone out, but that won't stop me from talking to women and forming friendships. These heal.

 

@newman_unleashed , you're smart to go this route, I don't think there really is a clear answer because each person is different with different issues, extremes, etc.... but I agree that if you aren't already in a relationship, it's probably best to clean up yourself before adding what will most likely be more stress to your life because relationships are tough and hard work and can cause possible relapses. On the other hand going through something like this with a supportive partner is great too but it's hard to find someone who can understand and accept the hurtful nature of this addiction. Infidelity is the worst thing a person can do in a relationship. Telling someone you love them but walking around sexualizing and fantasizing about other women is just painful and wrong. That is why it's better to clean up the mess inside your head before inflicting pain on anyone else that could potentially be a person you fall in love with. My bf has been grateful that I have been understanding and supportive but it's hard for me because it's such a hurtful addiction and there have been so many lies in the past. It's created so many insecurities, sadness, doubts for both of us. I constantly wonder am I not good enough, does he desire someone else, is she prettier, better, etc.. etc.. but in reality i know it's just the distortion of porn and the insecurities it gives to both men and women. As hard as it has been, we've been lucky so far and managed to work it through and learned to better communicate our anger, hurt and concerns. I believe if you have two people who love each other and are willing to go through the hard work and terrible pain of porn and it's side effects, it's possible to recover if you really work the steps and submit yourself completely to the honesty of your addictions. Having a good support is absolutely helpful but it is also hard because you have to realize how much you hurt the person supporting you and will have to deal with the fallout of their feelings too. The most important thing is honesty, you need to be completely honest, lying is what got you deeper into this mess and only keeps you there. You need to give your partner that respect, especially if they are willing to stand by you. I also do recommend to look into your past, most people have this issue due to childhood trauma, until you can face that trauma, it's a continued cycle of not understanding why you have so much hate, shame and negativity in your life that you are using porn to pacify. If you can go to therapy too I highly suggest it, therapist can help you understand the nature of how this all started for you. Love yourself before trying to love someone else, you can not give what you don't have.

 

@Hanging by a thread
I have tremendous respect for you for sticking around with your bf. Reading your comment above made me think about how much hurt and instability I brought into my past relationship. Some women are capable of deep empathy and patience. I was in therapy for almost two years. My therapist basically kept encouraging me to put myself out there and prove to myself that I was worth something and that there is someone that wants to be with me have deep intimacy. She was right in that it does boil down to me taking that risk and letting someone in. To love her unashamed and freely. To show it constantly and unwaveringly. I know that I am capable of this, as I feel deeply. I just have always picked relationships with girls who are also afraid and distraught and closed up/ unavailable because that is what I subconsciously feel is safe. So we never get to that point where we are both truly vested and in deep. And these relationships have been more work than fun. Which sucks. I want to have fun with my lover.

I know for sure that as long as PMO is in my life I will not be capable of growing emotionally enough to have this displayed love for anyone, including myself. Reminders like this- seeing it written out- are what we all need.

Please take care of yourself as your man works on himself. He's lucky to have you.

 

@newman_unleashed, thanks, I feel sticking it out for someone I love and care about is the right thing, most women would not, especially wuth the nature of this addiction, but I believe everyone deserves a chance and no one is perfect, not even me. I could only give each him a chance because he agreed to therapy and show some recovery activity but it's starting to slow. It's very difficult, the difficult isn't the addiction itself but the side effects that come from it and the honest display and efforts being made, which sometimes,because of all the lies,I been told, I start to question sadly. As with all addicts, some days they are In a rage and trying to do the least to face their issues, then the fog clears after a relapse or catalyst where they realize the severe truth of their addiction and sound very determined to get right. This is the area I am stuck in right now, someone I know who wants to get better and loves me but fears facing the truth so the addiction still has its leash. It comes in different forms, instead of porn he can actively objectify on the streets as he is in a job that gives him this oppty of "cruising", so in his mind the recovered is saying I'm not looking at porn directly so I'm doing great, but the addict in him is saying it's OK to check out the ladies in skimpy wear outside, it's not your fault, your not looking for it, it's just in front of you. Stuff like that is,what I'm dealing with and trying to make him aware of. Same thing with constantly going on social websites and "accidentally" coming across suggestive pics, etc... to him it's just friends/family postings to keep "in contact" , but if he were to stop his denial he knows that social media does no good with its constant display of sexual stuff. I continue to hang in there as long as he continues his therapy and trying to do the 12 steps in recovery, anything that shows hes trying gives me hope and strength I can try to hang in there until I feel there is no more hope. I know this takes time and I can give it that as long as he does his work. He goes through phases of denial, then realization.
One thing I'd like all of those porn addicted to know is that this is more serious then just porn, sexual addictions progress, like most all addictions, soon porn will not be enough, do you want to become a slave to actual physical behaviors that could put your life, career, family at risk? Stop before you get deeper into something that will be harder to get out of. Addiction of any kind just leads deeper into distorted things. You may have found yourselves viewing the most disgusting things to get excited and questioned yourself after, how you could've been turned on? If you don't stop, porn will not be enough eventually. So please think of your futures, think of how you can change things before more damage is your life is done. You're still alive and have time to heal.
Thank you for your kind words, I hope that I will be successful at saving someone I love and Im glad my story gave you some help.