How to find a good therapist or psychologist to address addiction?

I currently see a therapist once a week to help me with my addictions, as well as other issues. I chose mine based on recommendations, and also basically on how I felt about her after the first meeting when both parties start to feel one another out to see if it's a good match. As far as goals, I plainly stated to her why I was seeking therapy, asked her if she could help, to which she said yes, and the we just proceeded from there. I guess I'm not sure the point of going at all if there's no clear end game or definable result to seek.

Questions to ask on choosing...It's perfectly ok to ask the therapist, straight up, what their qualifications are and why they think they are able to help. It's also ok to ask if there are any deal-breakers for them or if they have a point where they decide they can't do any more for someone. The therapist has to feel just as comfortable with you as you do with them. There has to be a willingness to engage. It's a waste of everyone's time if the person seeking help is just going through the motions and phoning in all the answers, or just saying what they think the therapist wants to hear.

What happens in therapy, at least for me, is usually an hour of being asked questions, and the discussions that follow based on my answers. A lot is driven by my emotional responses to things, and trying to figure out why certain emotions are triggered by certain experiences and events. Often, I'll be given one or two specific things to think about in between sessions and then those things are what starts the next session. It can be very painful and my sessions usually involve tears more often than not, but in a good way I suppose. I think it's good to come to grips with difficult things in your life, and sometimes that's really hard to do without outside help.

This is my second time in counseling, and I haven't had an instance yet where I felt it just wasn't worth it or helping me. For me, the single most helpful aspect to therapy is if I feel I'm in a safe environment where it's ok to be me and not hide away or feel shame or embarrassment. A therapist *must* foster that environment, else it's just not going to work.

I hope this helps!

 

In the beginning sessions, it may very well be like uncovering the past story - with no specific behavioral plans or tasks to perform as homework, so to speak. PMO and bad sex behaviors are primarily symptomatic - it may not be worthwhile to treat the symptoms (like taking Tylenol to reduce fever), when the real task is to address and discover what is causing the fever to begin with (what's the fatal illness), unless of course there's an immediate danger, like possibilities of catching a fatal STD or some such. If there are past painful issues that your husband is uncovering, discussing, and venting, and if these are painful events as you suggest, then I think the sessions may be proving quite successful from the start even. Many times folks in recovery go months or years without really being able to discuss the painful matters at the root of their issues. It is because of pain and personal brokenness that we engage in addictive behaviors to begin with - as a way of escape or to medicate the pain with dopamine, so as not to have to deal with it. In therapy, your husband is discussing and dealing with this brokenness (and perhaps there may be other areas not yet identified as well), which should eventually lead to discussing how to properly deal with such uncovered and acknowledged emotions, rather than dealing with them in improper ways (addiction). Actually, just brining such issues into the light with another human person (the therapist) does much to remove the raw pain, as he is indeed feeling, lifting from him, albeit he is feeling it while it does. And, like forgiveness, we don't necessarily heal all at once, but he may need to feel, acknowledge, and express these things in therapy on newer levels again and again as needed. It sounds like the therapy is working, from what I hear. It seems like you may be fearing that there appears to be no practical application at this time in addressing addiction - but you need to be patient, and actually, somewhat removed from his therapeutic process. Four weeks is only a mere beginning to scratch the surface of what's going on to begin with. Let go, let be, and let your husband free to engage this process with his therapist. It sounds like he is engaging the process quite proactively and successfully and without denial or defensiveness. However, it may be a defense, of sorts, not to want to go anymore because it is painful and like going to the dentist. Imagine if we quit going to the dentist and we just let cavities develop into advanced abscesses - which would probably drive us to drink or drugs or other addictions to self-medicate the pain. The parallel is similar. His sounds like the kind of therapist that I would want.

 

If it's painful, then it's good.
A good therapy goes to the root and when the buried emotions come out, it really hurts.

I remember one specific session where I really cried, it was like hell.

But that's the way to go. That way, you can face your emotions and only that way, you can learn to handle them.
As a positive result, negative memory leaves you forever.

Basically you can do similar without therapist, by yourself, by example:

• You can try to go into super-consequent abstinence, full focus on your goals, and disallowing yourself absolutely any distractions. Suddenly the emotions come out. It can become unbearable. You feel fear as if a wild tiger is in the room.
  
• Or, write down a specific emotion which burdens you. E.g. fear of a talking to a person on a certain topic. Write it down by hand and speak it out loudly. And be very specific.
  
• Or, similar, recall an old emotion from childhood. E.g. when someone rejected you. Or a situation that embarassed you, etc.

In a way, you are always healing yourself. The therapist only guides you.

 

I have not been to a therapist myself. I have considered but at this point do not feel impelled...
That said, I feel that if I were to look for one I would use the questions that are outlined in the publication "The Most Personal Addiction"

1. Have you overcome a sexual addiction?

This is the first and most obvious question. If the counselor does not say "Yes," assume he or she is unqualified.​

2. Do you think I am sexually addicted?

The conventional, licensed therapist that Felix and Sofia went to said that Felix's masturbation/pornography use was normal. The therapist also said that Sofia wasn't open-minded enough. So, Felix continued on with his addictive behavior and treated Sofia as if she was the problem. Sofia finally told him, "I don't care what the therapist says. If you don't stop the pornography, I'm divorcing you."​

Helping them save their marriage was extremely difficult. Things would not have been as stressful if Felix had been correctly advised in the first place.​

3. Do you provide marriage/couple counseling?

In order to overcome sex addiction, you need to deal with your relationship and reality issues first. Don't waste your time or money with any potential advisor who does not successfully deal with marriage/couple issues.​

4. Do you successfully help people overcome other addictions?

Many sexually addicted people are multiply addicted. A sex addiction advisor should be able to help you successfully deal with other addictions as well, so that they don't get in your way of overcoming sex addiction.​

5. Do you recommend that I also attend Twelve Step meetings?

If a potential advisor even hints at sending you to Twelve Step meetings, I suggest you look for a different advisor. Becoming dependent on a group or expecting a Higher Power to solve your problems for you is not the way to deal with sex addiction.​

6. Do you recommend psychological medications?

A conventional, licensed therapist who advises psychological medication is basically telling you, "I'm not qualified to work with the mind in its natural state. So I want you to chemically alter yours. Don't worry. This little pill will give you self-respect, confidence, happiness, self- control, and take all your problems away."​

7. Do you spend years analyzing the childhood?

Your problems occur in the here and now. Counselors who focus on the past are not equipped to help you deal with the present.​

8. Do you have an excellent long-term romantic relationship?

Some people might think this question is biased. It's not. It's common sense. Sex addiction is a symptom of problems with intimacy. A good sex addiction counselor should have his or her own long-term, monogamous, honest, romantic relationship.

Let me put it to you this way: If a sex addiction counselor is not in a wonderful relationship, ask yourself this question: What does the counselor do for sex? One night stands? Masturbation and pornography? Is s/he celibate? Does the counselor go from one failed relationship to another?

When you seek help for a sexual problem, you are entrusting your most personal feelings to that advisor. Make sure they themselves have achieved what you're striving for. Nothing less will do.​

9. Do you use pornography or engage in any form of sexually addictive behavior?

There are sex addiction counselors who use porn on a regular basis. They do not believe that they have a problem. Hopefully you realize these people are fooling themselves. Don't let them fool you. Make sure you ask this question.

These questions are not easy. They're not supposed to be. They're designed to protect you. A good sex addiction counselor will welcome them.​

Overcoming sex addiction begins with honesty. If you honestly believe these questions make sense and will help you, then it's in your best interest to ask them.
​

 

I'd also like to add that it would be helpful if the therapist is sex-positive, i.e. not bring their own notions of sex into the sessions and casting blame or what-not. My blood started to boil when I read a post here about a therapist saying basically that "all men look at porn, get over it".

 

Yes. A good therapist is very neutral. The therapist basically helps the client find the buried emotions, to bring them upfront and then to show the client ways how to deal with these emotions and how to integrate them into a positive meaningful life.

BTW, if your blood boils over, that's a heavy emotion A therapist could possibly provoke you intentionally to upbring such emotions!

 

There wasn't a sex therapist in our area. I feel a lot of us are more knowlegable then most in this field now. Career change anyone?!

 

I agree with some of the above postings. Pain is part if the process. Learning to positively deal with it is the other part. Perhaps he is not really ready to deal with the pain. Like people who avoid the dentist till A tooth just rots out.