I think my husband has PIED and would like to bring up the possibility with him and talk to him about nofap, but am not sure how. For background, My husband and I dated back in college (1997-98), when I was 18 and he was 19. As is expected with a couple of horny teens. He wanted it all the time. We eventually broke up and he married someone else. They eventually got divorced and he and I reconnected. We've been together now since 2008 and I love him very much. We have one bone of contention in our relationship and it boils down to this: he never initiates sex with me. Now, when we got back together, we had lots of sex, initiated by both of us, but that lasted about 3 months. It slowed down and while we have sex about once a week (I would like more), I can count on two hands the number of times he's initiated in the past 5 years. He also has trouble staying hard during PIV sex, and getting hard without major stimulation unless it's first thing in the a.m. He also doesn't get morning wood, he's just a little hornier in the morning. I don't expect him to have the libido of an 18 year old, but come on, we're only in our 30's and I feel like I'm married to an old man! He's told me that this was also an issue in his last marriage. He's pretty open with me about porn (he's always liked it as long as I've known him, but it really escalated with streaming video). He's told me that his last wife wouldn't let him watch porn, so he would actively seek it out behind her back. At one former job when he was with her, he was generally by himself a couple days a week and would spend hours on those days looking at porn and edging. I have no problem with porn per say and watch it myself sometimes and have always made that clear to him, but I know that he looks daily and to be honest, it really hurts me that he chooses that when I want sex with him so much. Aargh!!! He's my best friend and so many things are great, but this is such a big issue that I've considered many times if divorce would be a better option than feeling rejected and undesirable, or like I have a freakishly huge libido all the time. So anyhoo, I'm almost sure that his porn usage is the cause of the lack of desire/other issues and I really want him to consider trying nofap, but I don't want to be controlling and I want it to be HIS choice. As guys, how do you think I should approach this with him? Thanks!
Thanks! I think the biggest hurdle is going to be brining it up without him thinking that I'm trying to be controlling, since that was a big issue with his last marriage and one that comes up periodically between us still. I'm much a-feared. I really hate arguing and this is a hot button issue. I guess maybe if I can plant the seed... Best of luck to you as well! I'm sure your wife appreciates the effort that you are putting into this.
So, I talked to him about it. He was pretty upset at first, but after about 24 hours to think about it and an experiment of sorts tonight, he said that he thinks I might be right and asked for more info about PIED. I told him a bit about what I've learned. We have a date to watch the YouTube video about PIED tomorrow night and he's planning to go nofap. I love him so much and am so relieved that he's trying this!
I'm really happy for you that he is open to the idea, but you are right in being cautious. If you push him, or shame him, it will mar the process somewhat. I hope he can engage fully and give you awesome sex when ever you want it!
It may be that the most you can do is give him the resources to figure out for himself that there may be a connection between his P usage and the issues you're describing. Maybe give him the link to Your Brain on Porn" or some of the other things the veterans around here could recommend? If he doesn't believe there could be a link, then he won't do anything about it. (I assume, of course, that he recognizes that there is a problem and is interested in making things better than they are. If not, and you have made it clear to him that this bothers you and you would like things to be better than they are, then I don't think there is anything you can do. You can't want this for him or make him change if he's not ready. Bravo to you for sticking with him and trying to find a way to get him pointed in the right direction, though. That's pretty awesome.)
Thanks Eleven! We talked and he agrees that it's likely PIED and has said he wants to do nofap. I mentioned the Your Brain on Porn and Reboot Basics videos to him and he actually suggested that we watch them together tonight after putting our daughter to bed. I'm making popcorn, lol. My biggest question/concern now is that he's also a text-based roleplayer (like Dungeons and Dragons type stuff), but the Sim he plays in is an adult Sim and he's also involved in erotic RP as part of the story. The storytelling aspect of this is very important to him, but I'm concerned because I did notice that his symptoms of PIED increased around the time that he started to get involved in the ERP a few months ago. He's told me that this isn't something he M's to, and I believe him. I'm concerned about it as a factor, though. I guess maybe we'll just watch the video and he can make up his mind about it himself. I don't think I'm even going to mention it. Does this sound reasonable?
As reasonable as any of us could ask, silvaticus. But you're definitely onto something with the RP. That should be very clear to him once you've watched the videos (enjoy the popcorn...lol), and hopefully he's prepared to make the kinds of meaningful -- yet disruptive -- changes that this will require. Just because he doesn't M or O doesn't mean that the RP isn't affecting his performance.
This is a big step for him. I am so glad he listened. I am pretty sure deep-down he already knew it was the issue. One of the main reason I started edging was so I could save myself for my wife (isn't rationalization awesome). Well, that worked for several years. I never lost desire for my wife. We love PIV to O, our problem is always time and privacy (lots of kids). Well, just this past few months it was taking me longer to get hard and 1 out of 10 times I didn't O at while PIV. Be patient. This addiction is the worse I think because you don't have to leave your house to buy anything and it's free (unlimited). If he hasn't freaked out on you then he wants to fix this. Please tell him, it works! I am so desires of my wife I start to get hard with her just walking around the house. It's like being 19 again (I am 49)! At around 7 days he will be horny, confident, stronger, and more loving. that's the wonderful part, he will reconnect with you, it won't be about pleasing himself but it will be about pleasing you. The focus shifts from sex to love and desire. You both just need to be cautious of the chaser effect. He'll want to cum again, I suggest if you have no constraint to do it again if he is still horny. Be really into it. I absolutely do not need to fantasize at all when we are making love. I am completely into the moment. He may fail, but tell him, stop the P 100%, no P substitute, none of it. It's all connected but he needs to reboot his brain and that is the reason for no PMO! Let him know, just try it, even if he resets, give it another shot, he needs to get to 7 days, 10 if he can. Good luck and keep asking for help.
This is such an amazing group. Thank all of you for the advice. I know that he is dedicated to making this change, and I am ready to support him through this. It's such a relief to know that there's a reason for what's been going on and that there's a solution, as challenging as it might be.
And we are a go! After watching the videos, he brought up the RP himself and he's decided to start a reboot today. I am so freakin' proud of him! Thanks again all for the advice! This is a delicate subject and hearing the POV of guys who are in the same boat as him has been incredibly helpful in navigating the waters.
Tell him, to honestly stick with it, seek help if he feels the urge, but he will being going bonkers for you in a matter of weeks. It really does work. The mind blowing sex easily keeps me away from it. Let me know if you or he has any questions. Good luck and keep strong.
Here's a post I did in the rebooting section. P is the enemy! But so is MO, it drains you. But PIV does not!!! There are links that are really good to check out as well, it makes it real since P is not! http://www.nofap.com/forum/showthread.php?32418-You-are-what-you-consume
It would probably be good to let him know that every time he O's naturally he will be feeling a great desire to PMO. We call it the chaser effect. It's because using P wires our brains to seek O on P sites, not real flesh and blood women, and when his brain gets a dopamine hit from a natural O it'll be wanting more, and try to lead him back to P.
Excellent thread, jbastoniv! Thanks for sharing! Our plan is to go with the flow with PIV, but to stay away from focusing on the O. Mumchance, I will definitely mention what you said about the chaser effect, if he doesn't hear about it on his own. Thanks!! I also told him about this and other forums, in case he is having challenges that he doesn't feel comfortable talking with me about, or just wants to learn more/get support, and also about all of the many websites and YouTube videos. I told him that I had asked for advice on here re: how to broach the topic with him and how helpful and supportive all of you are. I really don't think this would have gone over nearly as well if it weren't for everything I've learned in the past few days and without all your advice. My job is as a mental health crisis worker, so it's easy for me not to be all judgy of folks in day to day life, but with so many emotions tied up in it, it's something that I struggle with in my marriage. The insight into what it's likely that he is going through has been invaluable. In talking about this, he and I have reached a level of honesty that we haven't had for years. For a long time, we've been trapped in an unhealthy cycle. I feel like we've turned a corner now.
Great news! I have been happily married for 28 years with six kids. And when people ask me what the secret it, I simply say your spouse must be your very best friend! And what makes a very best friend, someone who you have honest communication with, why? Because you can trust them. Next is the sharing of love and affection. We sometimes (I wonder why with our sexual culture) obsess about sex and not relationships. It is our responsibility to educate ourselves and rise about all of the challenges in life. I will say that you both will be extremely happy if you take this approach to your marriage, there is no room for judging in marriage. Marriage really is about becoming one person, you still have a left and right brain (husband and wife) but it is one brain. Yes, the chaser effect is real. Our brain is so awesome at rationalization that after I would have PIV with my wife that was a green light to PMO several times since I broke the edging (not Oing for days). I would binge. That's why I think it is important to be available, if not suggest doing it again not long after the first time. More affection and love. PMO is really about filling a lonely void we have and I believe filling that void with love and affection will ward it off. This forum is here for the both of you. Everyone here is awesome. I sincerely wish you all of the luck and do know the hard work will pay off. There will be set backs, don't fret over them, acknowledge and move on.
