How To Betray Your Wife, Destroy Her Self-Worth And Implode Your Marriage In One Easy Step

I’ve been married to a porn addict for 10 years, I found out a little before the wedding, and we have been dealing with it since then. I thought he had 3 years clean, but I just found out he never stopped. We are 3 weeks into this round and my physical reactions are getting worse, this marriage is not what I thought it was. It’s such a hopeless feeling.

 

I have been cheated on in the traditional sense before, and I can tell you that seeing the you tube videos my husband chose over me, time and time again, broke my heart. It affects a marriage in a million ways, and to have my pain be marginalized by comments like yours is annoying. ( and comments like yours are common bc most people aren’t well educated on the subject)

im pretty sure my marriage is over after bc of his refusal to deal with “just” his porn addiction. Just a little perspective from this side

 

One of the hardest things to learn as an SO of a porn addict is not only to trust your gut, but to recognize when they are using. You cannot trust what they say if they have ever lied to you and gotten away with it. Trust your gut. Learn when your gut is trying to protect you. For me? I never ask my husband if he has slipped. I tell him “ I know you messed up”. Then I tell him an approximate time that he began his addiction cycle, sometimes that could be weeks ago, sometimes it’s only a day. Knowing their addiction cycle helps. In the beginning, I’d point out when he started his cycle, I think this helped him avoid a lot of slips and relapses. But gradually I pointed it out less and less in order for him to learn it rather than rely on me. He’s gotten pretty good at recognizing it now. If your husband does not know his triggers or his cycle, he will not get into recovery. If your husband cannot be honest, he will not get into recovery ( this is a big one). For you-find a good csat. Take care of you. I’ve been married 30 years. The difference in my husband when he is active in addiction and when he is in recovery is night and day. He even looks different. Sex is definitely different. Everything is different. Addicts are numbed out, self absorbed, selfish little boys. In recovery, they become men.

 

First, let me say that I understand the hurt I caused my wife because of perspectives like yours. I agree it is cheating because she feels like it was. Because men want to call it by another name does undo the damage.

Now eight days out from us amicably settling on a divorce agreement and signing papers, I am growing bitter toward my future EX-wife. We were married 30 months, both professing we had found “the one” after many, many years of dating others and swearing off marriage.

While I understand the hurt and anger, I feel like it’s one strike and I’m out with her. There had been a growing distance between us for months, but it wasn’t until a month ago that we both understood what “fapping” had done to the marriage. We had been going to counseling, but once the porn addiction came to light, she was done with that and the marriage.

I was not given a chance to overcome, get past this and repair the relationship upon first discovery. It was just over for her.

Now, everyone has a right to save themselves from any harmful, negative situation at any time, I believe. But giving up on the marriage so easily seems like an “out” and not a true love, sickness and health sort of thing. I immediately admitted to my mistake, the hurtful nature and never tried to justify any of it. And I stood ready to forsake porn and work my ass off to stay away from it and heal the relationship.

We have pledged to stay friends after the divorce and not make life difficult. I don’t want to cause her any more hurt, period. I’ve wanted us back. But while that seemed all warm and fuzzy, she still threatens to “out me” to others if I do anything to create waves.

So now I am growing to question the entire relationship, just as she did, and think, Who gives a fuck that it’s over and just move on. The addict feels pain and remorse, too, and I would have hoped for better support than a slap on the back and hear, “Let’s still be pals.”

 

Perfectly said. We are “numbed out, self-absorbed, selfish little boys.”

 

You misrepresented yourself before you married. She did not know you or have all the facts to make an informed decision. The fact that you think she gave up easily, this is an easy out, shows how little empathy and understanding you have for what you have done to her. You betrayed her in the most painful way possible. She can love you intensely and not want to be with you. Not want to risk hurt and betrayal again. You fundamentally changed her brain through this trauma. You damaged her. You chose to do that. My husband didn’t know it was an addiction. So that means he just gets a pass? He knew it hurt me and was wrong. You cannot lie, cheat, and dishonor the relationship then think “ she should give me ANOTHER chance. You had 30 months to find yourself help, get into recovery and change the marriage. Sorry, you do not get to blame her for leaving when you held the power in the marriage. You divorced her. She just filed the paperwork.

 

Ouch. But I suppose you are right. Naturally, I didn’t understand porn could be such a problem, so I didn’t “misrepresent myself.” I didn’t turn to porn until maybe midway through the marriage when outside stressors came bearing down. I found the wrong stress coping mechanism. I should have turned to alcohol. Then maybe I could have gotten a chance to change.

But good point. I set out to do this and destroy both of us the minute I asked her to marry me. It was all a grand plan, and I deserve to never feel love again because I have an addiction. Heaven forbid if I ever get involved in another relationship and catch a glimpse of a nude woman. I will have relapsed and destroyed another life.

 

Lol, Just don’t lie. Make sure the next person knows you’re a sex addict. You do not have to have great malice to do great harm. You knew you used porn, did you talk to her about it. Why not? If you hid it, why? Do not marry if you feel the need to hide things from your partner. If you’re hiding it, you know you are doing something wrong. I bought a horse once. Hid the messages from my husband. Completely wrong of me and I knew it.Why? Nothing wrong with buying a horse if I have the money. Wrong because I didn’t talk to him about it and he is part of my life that is affected by it.

 

We DID talk about our porn watching openly, but I didn’t realize it could be a problem, an addiction.
She has struggled with anxiety medication and alcohol, and mixing them … even prior to the marriage. She’s defensive about it when there are issues related to that.

So by your reasoning, if she were to have slipped into that further and cause serious problems in the relationship, it would have been perfectly acceptable for me to walk away from the marriage even though I still cared about her … throw her encouragement here and there, but let her sort it out on her own.

I guess I’m a dreamer and hoped for more out of “love.” That’s exactly why I went 47 years without getting married.

 

If she is harming you yes, you should leave. Loving someone does not mean slowing them to harm you. If you can protect yourself and choose to stay, that’s perfectly fine too. But choosing to protect yourself from an addicted partner is not the east way out you seem to think it is. You need far more than love to make a marriage work. Trust is huge. Honesty. Faithfulness.

 

Do you feel that because she loves you she should just suck it up and take you beating her? You love her but have an anger issue that your working on so she should just stay married? You’re seeing escorts but it’s an addiction? She should suck it up and help and prove she loves you with how much abuse she’s willing to take? It’s really no different. She’s protecting herself. Plain and simple. Minimize how you think you’ve affected her, but having lived with a porn addict for over 30 years, I can tell you, it destroys who you were. You are left trying to undo the damage for years. She will have an even harder time because it sounds like she already struggled with healthy coping skills. So, yeah, for her it would be even worse. You know what you have done, you have destroyed her ability to trust you. You can’t ever get that back the way it was. She knows that, all of us who have been betrayed know it. So she’s left with crappy choices, stay, be hurt more, always wondering if you know the whole truth or leave and start healing. It’s two shi* choices. God I loved my husband when I married him. Took 10 years, before I gave up. He will never get that naive young girl who trusted him implicitly, who believed marriage was sacred and forever back. He will never get the healthy person I once was back. He systematically destroyed the relationship with his porn addiction. He didn’t know it was an addiction either. He had no idea it could even be an addiction. So let me ask you, what have you done since discovering it was an addiction? Counselor? Saa groups? Accountability partners? Get rid of internet access? What is your addiction cycle? Your triggers? How have you changed your life to support recovery? What is the longest you have gone without using in some form? How many times did you guys fight over this before she finally said “ I can’t deal with this?” Why didn’t you do everything within your power to get into recovery after the very first discovery? How far did you escalate? How do you think that made her feel? Were you on hookup sites? Escort sites? Going to cam girls or people you knew? All of that contributes to the wife leaving. Were you messaging women or men, more trauma. It just becomes too much. Long term recovery is 5 years clean. Maybe she just could spend 5 more years hoping you would get into recovery.

 

Were you unknowingly addicted to buying horses? Growing up, discovering that many people bought horses and hid it, did that act become second nature to you? Did you grow into your formative years believing that "buying the hidden horse" was perfectly normal and "everyone does it"?

It's a taboo subject from the onset (P) in this case and it becomes engrained and just part of you for awhile until you or someone else helps you realize it's a problem. It's normalized to the addict. After that, it's any other addiction, your comment and several others in this thread reek of lack of understanding of the actual addiction. "What have you tried, what have you done." just like any other recovery, people fail, think they can handle it on their own, then in a moment of weakness relapse.

For many discovering that it is an addiction is a bit of a shock. Discovering the effects it has on others is a shock. Discovering how much it changes you is a shock. It's all a shock and people deal, heal, reveal, and fail almost daily because "sex sells" and advertising is all around us. It's not like an alcoholic and a bar, it's not like a cigarette and a convenience store... it's at our very finger tips, by the minute. It's on our tv's, in our magazine, on our website. Hell this website's tag line is tongue and cheek "Get a new grip on life." ALMOST as if it's poking fun at the addiction (M) itself.

Another way it's not like alcohol, or cigarettes, or hell, cocaine, is that again.. it's NORMALIZED in our culture. It's not normal for a 14 year old to hide their rampant cocaine use under their mattresses.

"If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you"


@jaxou812 I'll end my soap box with this, forgive yourself first. Humans are fallible and ripe for failures left and right. Take credit where credit is due and continue working on your own healing. Progress is progress, half the battle is the realization but the war isn't won for quite awhile. It's hard to take advice of others when they can't fully understand the entire situation. Only you know your truth in that. The only real and actionable advice I can offer is to be 100% open and honest about everything... not just with her, but with yourself. The truth will set you free (either on your own if that's fated, or together, stronger).

 

I cannot thank you enough for this. Very encouraging.

 

You want a pass because it’s an addiction? All addicts and alcoholics at one point did not know they were addicts. That’s the first step is recognizing you are an addict., So the hurt you inflicted doesn’t matter, because it’s normalized and an addiction? So is alcohol. There’s a reason in 12 step groups one of the steps is making amends. Trying to right the wrongs you have done to others because of your addiction. No one should have to tell an adult not to lie to their spouse. Your arguments of how it’s different than alcohol are spot on, and all the more reason most partners should leave, very few get into long term recovery. For many of the reasons you named. Escalation happens and many porn addicts move up to irl . Partners ending up with std”s is not uncommon at all. I asked him what he was doing because let’s be honest here , people join this forum and think they will get into recovery when instead they are not asked to face the reality and many times just enabled. What have you done? How serious are you? 90 meetings in 90 days is what AA and NA advocate you do when you first begin recovery. Have you started sa or saa meetings, are you getting counseling, I mean, those are just a start. 4 years of recovery work for both my husband and I.
And to answer your question maybe I am addicted to horses, how would I know? Oh, it would be causing me great harm and I couldn’t stop, but even if I don’t know it’s an addiction, I know buying an expensive non essential should be talked over with my husband. You know that going to hookup sites, messaging women, lying to your wife about why you’re too tired for sex is wrong. You are not 15. You are adults who know better. That being said, addiction affects you, it affects all your relationships. Your only hope at saving your marriage is getting into long term recovery. There are great books out there and great csats if you can afford them. Learn if you have any undiagnosed mental issues ( my husband is adhd, no one had any idea). My husband first started addressing his depression, that counselor suggest he get tested for adhd. Once that was confirmed he addressed that simultaneously along with his addiction. 6 years ago, when my husband would get home from work I would leave. If he walked into a room, I would walk out. He would say “ I love you” and I would look at him and say “ that’s good” then walk away. I meticulously planned my escape from him and my marriage for 17 years. All while he thought we had a great marriage. I had 2 years until my youngest daughter graduated and I was handing him divorce papers. 2 years. I couldn’t wait! 5 years of marriage counseling made me all the more determined to divorce. Until one day I saw a thing on betrayal trauma and porn addiction. That was 4 years ago. For 4 years my husband has gone to group meetings 3x a week, counseling 2x a month, neurofeedback for his adhd, he quit his job and retired early because the stress made it much harder on his recovery. He has 6 or 7 accountability partners, he takes a polygraph any time I ask. He changed his entire life to support his recovery. He still struggles. But he is a completely different man. He is absolutely amazing. He’s more than I ever asked for. This man who for 17 years I fantasized about never having to see or talk to him again! I have hundreds of details in my journal about how he has consistently changed for 4 years. It’s shocking. Truly shocking. So, if your wife is still willing to talk to you after divorce, you have a better chance than my husband did. I wanted nothing to do with him. I know several people who remarried a divorced spouse after years of individual counseling. I think I have as good or a better understanding of what it takes to get into recovery then the vast majority on this site. I know that it takes much more work and intentionality than most on here give it. I see what my husband has had to do to get clean. He has no internet access. He limits his time home alone, heck for the first 2 years he wouldn’t be home alone at all. Group, counseling, ap’s, giving up alcohol completely even though he never had a problem with it. Books! Oh man the books he reads to learn and understand, homework ( out of the shadow) great workbook. Learning about IA and addressing that ( 30% of sex addicts are IA). Do you know your unique addiction cycle? You have got to identify that. Your triggers? What was the pain you were trying to escape when the addiction started. At what age did you become addicted, that’s where you will be stuck emotionally ( my husband was stuck at 15) many are much younger with porn addiction. It’s so much more complicated than just stopping.