It's a plus you aren't lying to her. It must be hard to keep your marriage strong while you are actively choosing your addiction. Do you have any research about marriages thriving in that environment?
That’s a great link and the advice would help any marriage. However, it cannot address addiction in marriage the same way it addresses “normal” marital problems. It would be like going to the doctor for bronchitis and he prescribes antibiotics which indeed help if you only have an infection, but your cough is actually lung cancer. Your addiction will always be a cancer, it can be an active cancer that slowly eats away and kills your relationships or it can be a cancer in remission and then and only then will your marriage begin to truly get healthy and better. You can deceive yourself Into believing that your addiction is only an infection, but sooner or later you face that it is indeed a cancer. I gave up at 15 years in that I would ever have a truly healthy thriving marriage. My husband thought our marriage was great, that we were great. Until last January, until he strayed to get help any get clean. Every day he stays clean, his eyes are opened a little more. I’d say he really started to see, at 6 months clean.
That would be like asking... "do I have any research with marriages thriving within a spouses's video game addiction?". There are plenty of psychologists who assert that porn shouldn't ruin a marriage. But, I don't think anyone claims that addiction helps a marriage thrive. We all have our problems. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/.../201707/husbands-watch-porn-wives-despair-why https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...2/porn-could-ruin-relationship-it-doesnt-have I think we can all agree that none of this is settled science. We are all here to help each other out. Our porn problems vary a lot. For example, I have never had ED, even though I started looking at porn at age 13 and have beeing PMOing frequently ever since. The last last 10 years have been on average twice a day. I love having sex with my wife and I find her very attractive. I would have sex with her over porn any day, multiple times a day, in any position, anywhere in the house, upside down, makeup, no makeup, showered or stinky. Having said that, I am sure there are many subconscious psychological side effects of my porn usage. I'm not sure about their magnitude and I doubt I could identify them all, mainly because I haven't stopping PMOing for longer than 20ish days in probably the past 20 years. My porn addiction is similar to a video game addiction. Most of what bothers me about my addiction is how much time I spend doing it (5 to 15 hours a week). One of my main motivations for looking at porn is that it is a pleasurable time filler. My wife works night shifts and I am terrible at going to bed at a decent time. I want to quit porn in the same way that I want to live healthier and carry a more healthy body weight. When I was active on nofap 4 years ago, I had not worked out my anxiety issues and I was attributing a lot of daily anxiety to my porn use. Now that I a fraction of the anxiety I had in the past, I can clearly see that I had attributed many of my problems to PMO, even though in reality they were not due to PMO. Question for you all... If someone comes to the the nofap forum looking to heal their marriage. But, for them, porn is a symptom of bigger problems. Should we tell them to focus on quitting porn first, or focus on the bigger problems first? A lot of the advice on nofap is 'fix porn first' advice. When we are plagued with bigger issues, advising someone to tackle a porn addiction or require their spouse to tackle porn addiction, is likely bad advice.
I think we have a lot of common ground here. Absolutely porn is a symptom of much deeper underlying problems. However, the porn use has now become problematic as well as the original underlying issues. You must tackle both. Sucks, just like an alcoholic must to more that not drink. I thought that most people on here are pretty good about saying “ you can’t just stop watching porn” I see many advising others to seek counsel.
First off, thanks for the heartfelt back and forth disagreement. I find it helpful for myself and I hope others do too. This is your experience and it is a valuable experience and it is useful to share the details for others to learn. But, I don't think this is true for all porn addictions. I think that porn use is like everything else in the world, there is a wide range of how healthily and unhealthily porn can be consumed. Some people fall into the abyss, others don't have an issue, and there is everything in between. My marriage can be better, my marriage will be better. I see porn as a major obstacle not just to my marriage, but also to me personally. But, walking away from porn was not my first obstacle to overcome. And yes, I have a happy marriage now, could it be better, yes. I am sure that there will be even more opportunities for improving my marriage even after I kick by bad porn habit.
True. Across nofap, there is general agreement that the underlying issue needs to be fixed. But, with regards to marriage advice, there is a common theme that if PMO is still happening, the innocent spouse has no responsibility for the marital problems and offending spouse needs to get with the program. That is bad advice if the underlying issue is a shared issue between both people. For example, if a spouse suffers from lots of insecurity, that is an issue that should be addressed within themselves and porn usage by their spouse throws gasoline on that fire, but the root issue lies with the person who is very insecure. Or, if a spouse has severe control issues. There are lots of issues that go on in marriages that lead to strife and may lead to divorce. When a spouse comes looking for support on nofap, we should provide empathy and support, but we would be remiss if we failed to ask that person to look inward too. I'd even go further and state that asking the hurt person to look inward is a more courageous act of love than being a shoulder to cry on. Having said that, there is a time and place for 'pushing back'. Sometimes, in the moment, being a shoulder to cry on is more appropriate. I'm not sure when in a forum like nofap how to determine when to do one versus the other.
It is absolutely different. Porn addiction damages the very soul of the addict and the spouse. It involves betrayal of intimacy and connection. It involves infidelity in multiple ways, at the very least your mind and sexual energy are being spent on images of other women, at the worst, physical cheating. Porn addiction is the problem. You go right ahead and find all the resources you need to justify betraying your wife. Those excuses won't save your marriage. There is a common theme for a reason. It's the truth. The porn addict is the only one responsible for his actions. The spouse bears no responsibility for his betrayal of her and the marriage by seeking pleasure from other women. There may be other marital issues going on, and those certainly should be addressed, but responsibility for a porn addiction lies solely on the addict. Even moreso if they have the tools to overcome it but conciously choose to act out anyway. Your response is filled with a lot of excuses and justifications so that you can attempt to continue using guilt free. See how that turns out in the long run.
I have to share .. I told my husband about your husband comment “ you’re attractive now that I’m not looking at 20 year old”. And I asked him if he thought your husband should’ve shared that. His answer was “yes, but he could’ve done it in a way that wasn’t hurtful”. I asked “ how?” He said “ he could’ve said I have a whole new appreciation for you now that I’m not looking at fake unrealistic fantasies “. I thought, no wonder he’s so good at negotiating, lol!
That is not a fair representation of what I wrote. You have obviously decided that your point of view is the correct one and that I am wrong. I think you are wrong. You think I am wrong. We both have done our due diligence to come to our conclusions, we just don't agree. We should just leave it at that. No point in beating a dead horse.
I wanted to reply to this part. I don’t know how old you are, however, my husband started pmo at age 11. He did not get pied until he was 46 years old,he thought it was because he was doing long distance bike riding. it took 4 months of being clean and now is rock hard when we are together. I think anyone who uses long enough winds up with sone form of sexual distinction.
I agree with Roady that you decided to wear more makeup to feel more attractive, and your husband responded to that. I'm similar to you, I wear makeup to feel more confident, and that is what attracts a man, a confident woman. My husband is not as addicted as yours, he just is a little bit crazy about sex. The other day I was reading some makeup reviews on makeupyes.com and when he saw that I'm looking at new makeup, he instantly switched to another man. I know that he would like to see me wear makeup even when I sleep, but he'll have to deal with it. I know it sounds a little bit crazy, but we love each other despite all the craziness.
Maybe it is time for all the (wo)men to get rid of this bad self esteem. Get rid of the addiction to clothes, make up, cars big muscles etc.to feel better and confident. Everyone is all right. You are not just your body and looks. Build confidence by exploring yourself and finding balance. Confidence does not come from the outside. But I know it is difficult as young girls get told from an early age that they are not good enough. They need be pretty, wear nice clothes, look good. And men have it easier hormonally, with testosterone, but still are not thought how to hanlde emotions, they may play rough, because they are men. It might be clear that I find all men & women with make-up ugly and all people who dress up too much as well. Taking good care of yourself is something else.
Specific actions like wearing makeup or lingerie or particular behaviour-they can be a reminder of porn, but they exist in porn because they are designed to be attractive. Wearing or doing things to be attractive is not the same thing as providing consent, but can be a deliberate way of signalling attraction, sexual arousal or interest in sex. Being wary of things that are arousing 'because they are in porn' is valid, but also, a lot of things in porn are there for the very reason that they are arousing, independently of being in porn. Signalling to a man your sexual interest in him is arousing, and the hypersexualisation in porn includes that obvious and ubiquitous willingness.
Here is was tan- I had put fake bake on and instantly he was turned on. so if I am not tan- what does he think.
