Hello, girlfriend of a guy with a porn addiction - any SOs out there?

Hi Marise,

It sounds like maybe you guys should modify your plan. Also, I can almosy guarantee that you will please him when you are intimate with eachother. There is nothing wrong with you ! His brain and his sexual response is messed up because of his PMO.

Maybe this time, he could try not going hardmode, or you could read up on and practice Karezza. My husband and I have been doing no pressure touch and snuggling and what happens, happens. Honestly, we've been having a lot of sex since he gave up PMO. We're about the same age as you guys are and are at around a month today. And, I think you and I have also had a similar experience in feeling that our libido is higher than our SO's. I do think that knowing that sex is an option has helped him in his recovery so far, although there have still been rough patches here and there and I have to be careful to ensure that I continue not pressuring him. We had a bit of a snag yesterday, but overall, things are going very, very well. I know that this isn't everyone's experience, but it might be worth a try..

 

Resuming sex during a reboot isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as the timing is right. Because resuming sex is part of the rewire. We reboot by abstaining. This is meant to destroy the "new" neural pathways linking pleasure to PMO. We rewire by having normal sexual relations, which rebuilds the "old" neural pathways linking pleasure to the experience of being with the person we love.

 

The only "problem" with sex during reboot is whether or not your SO can keep porn fantasy out of his head during sex and especially when Oing and whether or not he will get a big chaser effect. Some guys have no issue with fantasy and some guys have no issue with the chaser effect. My husband didn't have any fantasy issues and we dealt with his chaser effect by having more sex.

Hardmode in my opinion is very effective for PIED but if your SO is not having issues with that then it's up to you what you want to do. After a few months of no ED improvement for my husband we continued to have sex but he abstained from O. After a few weeks of that his ED was gone and he had rewired completely.

I also thought my drive was higher but it turns out that PMO was accounting for most of his drive. His drive will recover once he's off PMO.

 

I will PM you. I don't want my post to trigger anyone

 

I'm sure there must be people on here who can give you a more informed opinion on that than I can, Marise. I think the right answer is that the "right time" is whatever time you and he decide it is, and that there is no such thing as too early. Now, there are all sorts of potential downsides -- the chaser effect, the possibility of creating some performance anxiety on top of the PIED, etc., but I think all of those can be managed if the two of you are on the same page in how you approach it.

 

IMHO, I say hard mode for two weeks. Then pursue PIV to O, but no pressure, if it happens it happens, if not, it doesn't. That'll take away the performance anxiety. After two weeks he should be really ready, and if you have been very loving to each other that should help as well.

He really needs to conquer the fantasizing. Once he learns to have sex without fantasies, to relish in the moment and not some movie in his head, he'll find it to be so much better. That might be one of the hardest parts. He has to let those images come into his mind and let them leave, do not stop on them and dwell! It starts to go away the longer you do not fantasize, in combination with NoFap it gets a lot easier.

I would also recommned just laying together, massaging and caressing, without the goal of sex. The relaxation can easily lead to sex. It's like foreplay without an expectation, but, if it happens then great. The sex will be amazing and will get better and better as he reboots.

His brain is all messed up, he could have death grip and sensitivity issues, etc... That is why I say go two weeks hard mode, then go at it.

Good luck and stay strong!

 

Yes, it could be considered edging, I guess. I've thought of it that way myself, but I personally look at it as edging to genuine stimulation with an SO, which could help to rebuild the neuropathways to physical stimulation.

 

Good advice. This also was recommended to me in therapy as a way to avoid performance anxiety. No expectations, no worries. (If only my wife would play along....).

 

I really wish you were in a place where you could tell your wife what's going on, Eleven.

 

I know what you're saying. But I'm not sure what I need to tell her, exactly. She's known about the ED for years. She wasn't really down with the "no expectations" approach when we were dealing with it as purely performance anxiety, so I can't imagine why she'd be down with it now that we're dealing with it as PIED.

 

Yeah, I know. You're in a tough situation. I was just reading your journal (GREAT job getting through Monday morning and congrats on being just 1 day away from your first 30 days, by the way!!). Have you and your wife considered marriage counseling? It might be helpful.

 

I don't mean to sound contrary, but here goes. These are just my opinions:

Snawh: it seems pretty clear from what you wrote that he is not really interested in dropping porn for you. He's shown every indication he would rather hide and justify it and that he's not convinced it is a problem. As hard as it sounds, it might be best to pack up and move on.

Marise: It might be better for both of you to stick to your guns and agree to wait until he has gone 30 days hard mode. Look, he almost made it this time. 25 days! He can do 30. Settling for something easier seems to be like it would be lowering the bar. High, but achievable expectations are what make me grow the most. I'm just thinking how happy both of you would be if 30 days from now you can be together and look at each other and know that he made it this time.

And lastly, I agree with silvaticus - counseling can be really helpful, but make sure that who you are seeing as a counselor has a similar view on the whole P thing. You don't want your SO getting justification to use P from a counselor that thinks P isn't all that big of a deal. (this happened to me and I ditched the guy)

I don't mean to offend with any of this. My heart reaches out to you. I sincerely regret the pain that I have caused to my wife, and also myself from my addiction to PMO.

 

I've definitely considered it, especially recently. We've talked about it in passing at one point or another but haven't ever done anything about it. At risk of (further) hijacking poor Marise's thread, here's my tentative game plan: (1) she and I have a dinner date on Friday, and I am hoping to tell her about me quitting M at that time, including the fact that I think it has something to do with my ED, and that part of the process involves the "rewire", which may require us to try the "no expectations" approach again; and (2) if she won't go for that or it isn't successful, press for counseling.

Thanks (again) for your insight on this silvaticus. I really do appreciate it!

 

I think that's a good plan. Also, Sorry for the hijack Marise!!

 

Great job keeping with him! Just know it isn't his fault he got into PMO, and know his mind is probably going through a storm wondering where the instant relief is that porn provided.

Also, you will not be able to reproduce what a porn star gave him on a screen. I mean this respectfully, of course. It isn't realistic, not natural, and mixing it with real sex may only confuse the brain (mixing screen porn with your physical touch Instead of his hand). What he saw is targeted to relieve him quickly with minimal energy for a reward, you need to train his mind to get that same reward from YOU. They don't say sex is a great workout because no heavy, fast breathing is involved!

 

I think it does help, and it kind of takes the pressure off of both of you.

 

Thanks for understanding, Marise, and for your constant support and advice. I'm sure you know this already based on your own experiences, but it means so much to be able to share this stuff with others without fear of judgment.