Advice needed please

I have been doing pornorgraphy recovery for over 15 years. I have never known anyone that could moderate their porn usage and control it. If you can, then you likely don’t have a problem with porn.

The problem isn’t necessarily what you do or how you do it (unless it’s illegal or causing tremendous shame for you or hurting others). The issue is when we use it and how frequently we use it. Just like porn, sex can be bad if we’re using it to escape extremely uncomfortable emotions and dependent on it like a drug to escape negative feelings. The challenge with your partner sending nudes is it’s a similar function to viewing porn on a screen and using it as porn. It can be triggering to want more and maybe more variety than just a photo of a partner.

 

Congratulations on being porn-free for 2 years! So you want to compensate for the lack of sex life by returning to porn. That's a big mistake.

The best solution would be to honestly address this with your partner. She should be willing to work with you on this knowing that she probably values this relationship.

I can relate to this. For instance, the reason why I personally don't give myself permission to fantasize about being intimate with my wife is because it tends to lead me to fantasize about others.

 

I deal with similar issues of sex frequency. Also I'm not nearly as far along as you on my PMO reboot.

I'm about 4 months clean in the last 6.

As far as what to do. I would suggest having a conversation with your wife. That's where this all starts. What you are trying to rationalize is a shortcut to get what you want by using P again.

I think the hardest part about this is with two people things take time to change. You're wife may not respond immediately to your request of more intimacy. She may get defensive and upset and go down the list of things you don't do that she wants. (What she wants matters too!) Or, things might get better for a month or two and then go back to the old ways. (I'm dealing with all of this).

I think the only real thing we can do is state our desires plainly. Then ask for solutions. Ask her if there's things you are doing that make her not want sex as much as you. Ask her if she has any solutions for what she could do as well. And if there's things both of you consciously do come to a satisfactory solution.

What I'm finding is the first conversation is hard to start. You have your agenda and it gets very easy to get upset when things don't go as you planned. If at any moment you feel emotionally triggered. Back off take a deep breath and restate your desire plainly again and say you'd like to talk more about this in the future.

After the first conversation it can become hard to see much progress. I'm certain they are thinking about it. But just as p can get us in a rut. Other things can too for them. Ultimately I think as a couple the most important thing to do is to try and find the reasons sex is a no and try and solve them. For me I want sex to be a place we run to as we did when we were young. How, why, when, where start identifying this and I think as a couple this can be fixed!

Don't go back to P. It's not worth it. That's a path that leads to you resenting your wife for not giving you what P does. But no matter how much you love P. P can never love you back. That hole will always be there without a mutual relationship.

 

Warfman, I appreciate what you have written here in your reply. This is very much where I am currently in my relationship with my wife. Our dysfunction has lasted literally decades. My frustration level is sky-high. But, just this year I am learning new ideas and strategies. It is way too soon for me to make any conclusions or plans about my future. I am currently reading “No More Mr. Nice Guy”. I need to actually do the work assignments.

This is a difficult process but, with new knowledge and new tools, and an openness to change, perhaps things will change! (?) I am hoping so. Praying that patience will lead me to better choices and whatever comes will be for the best without trying to control outcomes or other people, especially my spouse. But, the hurt and resentment are a huge challenge for me when my spouse rarely, if ever, acknowledges her role in this screwed up “dance”.

 

Sounds like we are both dealing with similar situations. No More Mr. Nice Guy is a great start. It sure has opened my eyes. I need to work through the assignments as well. I have listened to the audiobook 6 to 10 times probably. Need to get a hard copy and work through the assignments in more detail.

Keep me updated on your progress here, what worked/what hasn't. I'm dealing with similar issues. I do have to give my wife some credit, I did essentially what I suggested above in December, we had more sex than we had in a long time. Then we got pregnant (which we planned to) and now she doesn't even want touched It's been hard for me to pull back and allow her space in this way. But I'm trying. It's been a great excuse to extend my streak and work on myself though!

 

I think this is bad due to the inability to self regulate yourself. With your partner involved your unable to do so on demand like you can with P. This is why I think PMO users can start to have so many issues. The phrase everything is good in moderation comes to mind. I just don't think it's probably possible to use P in moderation similar to highly addictive drugs. It eventually will get worse and worse over time.