7 months clean and happy

Dear Fapstronauts:
Today is my Day # 210 free of PMO.
I started this fight on May 12th, desperate and depressed.
I've learned about porn addiction that same day: it may sound stupid but i did not know that i was an addict before watching Gary Wilson"s Ted Talks video.
I was 35 years fapping and watching porn like a maniac: 3-4 times per day, 1-2 hours per day. Hidden in the bathroom, next to my sleeping wife, with people in my office (just hidden by my desk), etc.
I finished one PMO "session" and I was already wanted to start over.
I was not feeling pleasure anymore, just sadness and a big oppressing feeling inside my chest every time I ejaculated, after edging for hours.
How crazy is that I never considered that this was an addiction? That this was "normal"? That "all guys do it"?
My brain was so fucked up that I could not see further away.
I could not imagine that I could not masturbate for more than a day and still stay alive.
To make it worst, I was hiring escorts and paying them for sex, and this was also out of control. I could not get satisfied anymore with them but I kept going with someone new every week. Most of them posted fake pictures in their profiles, nevertheless just once I turned and left the place when I discovered this. The rest of the times I kept going and having sex, in spite of not even liking them.
Every time I left their apartments or the cheap 2 hours motel I felt dirty and sad. I started crying many times.
I reached to the bottom when I met a famous Hungarian porn star. He was a very nice guy and told me his story: he was not gay, but he was doing this because he came from a very poor family and needed the money. He told me how the film studio exploited him lied him (even with fake HIV tests) and forced him to do things he did not want (like having unprotected sex).
I felt sorry, but nevertheless I did not stop, and I was active during our intercourse. I could see that he was suffering but did not stop.
When I left his apartment I felt like a monster. I became desperate and started crying out of shame. I asked God for help, because I knew I had became something I did not want to be.
Three days later I discovered Gary Wilson's video and Two days afterwards I discovered NoFap.
I cannot emphasize more how this changed my life. It was a breakthrough.
It was not easy, the first two months were very painful. The withdrawal symptoms were hurtful and I was tempted to quit and start fapping again every hour during the first 20 days.
It seemed impossible to succeed.
But eventually all that pain started to vanish. And here I am. After 7 months, I feel I am another person. I feel still a lot of shame for all the things I did. For all the time I spent in PMO instead of being with my wife and kids. For all the escorts i met and the sordid palaces I was.
Perhaps I will carry this shame and embarrassment for many more years. Which is ok. It is the best way never to get back to that shit.
This morning when I got up I thanked again my wife for all her support and I kissed her. I thank her for her support and for staying by my side , although she was suffering a lot too. I am blessed to have her, even if I do not deserve her.We both hugged and started crying. It was one of this 'wow" moments when I thought:" Ok, I think that this time I can feel that the nightmare is really a thing of my past".
On the other hand, I still have urges once or twice a week. They usually come when I am stressed or worried about something. The monster is still inside, waiting for me to be weak, jump and take power again.
I need to be aware every day about this. I cannot become complacent. I cannot forget the monster I was.
My Fellow Fapstronauts, as every month I need to thank you for your support. We can do it. It's worth the pain. I feel happier and more free than ever before.

Keep on fighting altogether
Fercho

 

Thank you @britaxe , you have been a great friend and very supportive every time I needed it
Fercho

 

That's great @conqueror !
It is funny that we have started almost the same day...perhaps there was something in the air, lol.
You are right, having my wife by my side was very helpful, I could have not got there without her.
Some months were quite difficult, she needed time to adjust to everything I told her about my addiction, the time I spent hiding and lying to be able to PMO, while I was telling her I was working. So many evenings that I stayed late at the office just to watch porn and fap instead of returning home early to be with her, etc.
She lost some of the trust she had on me, but slowly she is recovering it.
I changed a lot during these seven months, but she did not want to believe it at first, because she was afraid of me failing again and returning to PMO.
I am so ashamed of everything I did that this is the best deterrent not to return to that shit anymore
Keep on fighting
Fercho

 

Glad my post helped you @manwithaplan76
Do not worry, I am in my Day # 213 and I still get urges.
I was watching TV yesterday night with my wife and I saw this hot person in a TV show and I got instantly horny. I could recognize how I was closing on myself and not wanting to speak with my wife anymore.
It is that state of numbness that starts wrapping me around and try to engulf me.
Fortunately I have learned how to detect this dangerous moments and act on them. I immediately turned off the TV and grab a book until I forgot the triggering image and slept
The addiction is always around the corner waiting for a moment of weakness, we got to be very careful
Fercho

 

Thank you @A_victory
Keep doing the good work and you will be in your seventh month faster than you think.
Every time you have an urge just ask yourself:"It is better to have instant and fast gratification NOW, but be in pain and depressed after PMO? Is it not more intelligent to have some discomfort and pain now, looking for happiness and fulfillment later, and FOREVER?
This is what "cools me off" when I got an urge. I know that I will enjoy fapping, but i will feel like shit 30 seconds after I cum
Fercho

 

That's right @im_alive
We need to accept that although we feel "cured", this addiction will be inside our brain for a long time. It shows up when we less expect it (in fact, I have been very stressed at work this week, so it is not a coincidence that my urges came suddenly back so strong).
The big difference is that now we are much more aware and prepared with several tools to "cool down" and think twice before doing the stupidity of getting back to PMO
Fercho

 

Thank you @programer
Yes, this is the worst part of this addiction compared to others. Nobody thinks that fapping or watching porn is something bad, it is "what every dude does".
This is what it makes it so dangerous and can destroy us.
I tell you: all the story that this porn star told me was heart breaking. He has a girlfriend (who knows what she does), and he hates it. But the pay is good and he needs the money.
He told me how he discovered that the HIV tests that they show them are fake, they do not even send them to the lab.
They force straight guys to become passive, and they wanted to push him to have sex without condoms. This is when he quit, but now he has a lawsuit for breaching the contract (which of course he signs without understanding )
It is shocking to know that this exists in the XXI century, it is like slave trade in the XIX century.
And we are responsible for this if we keep using porn, so we are guilty by association
fercho

 

Thank you for posting @anony mous
I get goosebumps when i read it too