29, addicted to porn and escorts, looking to start real life

Like the title says, I am 29 and addicted to escorts and porn. I go through phases of seeing escorts 2-3 times a week, masturbating 2-4 times a day. Then I decide to come back to reality but always end up slipping back.

My relationship with sex did not develop like the majority of people I know. I experienced some molestation as a child. Just very fuzzy memories. I believe that this contributed to an early sexual awakening as I remember being interested in women and sex at a very early stage of my life. Eventually I discovered porn, discovered masturbation, and I was hooked.

At the time, I believe I was still mostly normal. There were girls at school and I developed crushes, texted, talked to them, etc. For some reason, I remember being so sexually frustrated, masturbating like crazy and watching porn. I delved deeper into the internet and porn and discovered some toxic forums. I ended up sending a lewd email to my sixth grade teacher. I remember the day I was in school and she received the email. Police came and the IT department were there in class looking at her email and talking to her. I was freaked out but nothing happened. Eventually I forgot about the whole ordeal.

That summer the FBI came to my house while I was on vacation. They confiscated my laptop and questioned my parents. When I returned from my trip, my parents took me to the police station. I was questioned, confessed, arrested, and released. I remember being so scared, crying and shaking. I felt embarrassed, disgusted, and ashamed. I believe the arrest was legit, but I was never handcuffed or taken anywhere. Just told I was arrested then told I was released, idk, the whole ordeal remains fuzzy. I ended up having to write an apology letter to my teacher and go to therapy. I honestly don't remember a thing from my therapy sessions, but from the time I was arrested I became extremely terrified of sex and of talking to girls.

For the remainder of middle school I remember just having immense fear and anxiety during the normal events. Talking to girls was scary now, talking to my crush was frustrating because I liked her but was scared to talk to her or ask her out. I went to a middle school dance and she asked me to dance but I was shaking so bad I had to leave.

I ended up going to an all boys high school. It was great in a lot of ways but I believe it also thwarted some of my chances to overcome the fear I had developed. I did not have daily normal contact with girls, instead seeing them at events and on the weekends became this important thing that us guys did. I remember my friends being normal and outgoing but I was always shy and reserved. I wanted to be like them, but I was just so scared.

Throughout this whole thing I kept on feeding my porn addiction. I watched porn daily, masturbated daily, and generally just developed an unreal sense of what sex was. Porn and masturbation were my only outlets for sexual energy and I had a lot of that at that time. Eventually I became so pent up and frustrated I decided to see an escort. I was 17 at the time. I had discovered escorts through the internet. Tons of "research" on how to get a girlfriend, talk to girls, etc brought me to escorts. Some forum said that sex was not that big of a deal, use an escort if I really wanted to lose my virginity. They offered a website and I started searching.

I ended up seeing an escort. She ended up being the absolute cheapest one I could find since I did not have a lot of money. Now, I am a tall guy and was always told I looked older than I am. At 17 I could pass for maybe 20-21, at least 18. I drove to the escort's hotel, nervous and terrified. Scared of police, scared of being caught, scared of being sexual with a woman. I walked to the room, shaking I was so scared, knocked on the door and was let in. I was extremely awkward and shy, but the escort took me to the bed. She laid me down, took off my pants, and just using her hands I was done within 10 seconds. I finished so fast that she laughed. I cleaned up, said thank you, and left. In and out in less than 5 minutes.

The whole ordeal was exhilarating. Sex and being around a woman coupled with the thrill of breaking the law was more than my brain could take. From then on, I would do everything I could to make money. Save my lunch money, collect cans, random labor, etc. As soon as I got $80-100 I would look to get my next fix. In between I would use porn.

That was 12 years ago. I have never had a normal relationship with a woman. I have never been on a date, never held hands, never kissed, no nothing. I never went to prom, never went on double dates, never had someone make a sign when playing sports. As I became more involved with escorts I started moving away from real life. I was still around girls here and there, texted some, even had some of them text me or message me on facebook. I just turned away to my secret life.

My use of escorts has increased over the years. In college I barely even tried to pretend to be interested in normal women. I never asked them out, never asked for their numbers, never talked to them at parties. After college I started working. Same thing, except this time I had money to spend. I saw more and more escorts, was constantly broke, but I didn't care.

Things changed with Covid. For one, I had a sudden influx of money. I was one of the internet idiots who started using Robinhood at that time. I made a pretty chunk of change off some trades. Then I was laid off and I was able to collect unemployment with the kicker. When things started to open up a little bit and people became less afraid, I hit the ground running. I had my pick of escorts and would see them as often as possible. I blew through thousands of dollars and almost became broke again. I started working again, making money and spending it on the weekends. Unfortunately, one of my grandparents died during covid. They left my a sizeable amount of money and some valuable collectibles. I quickly sold the collectibles and have blown through most of the money.

So here I am. Almost 30. I have spent almost all of the windfall money that I have received over the past few years. It might sound asinine, but with the amount of escorts I have been seeing, I have lost most of the exhilaration. There is no emotional connection, the sex is always worse than expected, and I can't help but thinking about how I could have used the money to change my life. To make things worse, most of my friends are now married or settling down. They no longer have time for me or want to do couples activities.

I desperately want to be normal. I want to have loving, caring, fun, and mundane relationships with women. I want to have a partner, I want to watch movies and be lazy, I want to go on trips, I want to go on dates and be romantic. I just have no idea how to do this, especially on my own.

I have been trying to get my shit together. Trying to stop escorts by using porn. Then I try to stop using porn. Eventually my sexual urges come and I get restless. I end up caving and starting the cycle over again. I am seeing a therapist and it has been somewhat helpful, but I think that I won't be able to stop until I start dating. The idea of starting dating at 30 is terrifying. I have zero experience, zero knowledge, I am scared shitless of trying to meet new people, let alone try and have a romantic relationship.


Anyways, that is my story. I swear I am a normal person, just not with sex and romance. I have a job and am going to try and go back to school. I have a healthy friend group and vibrant social life. I have hobbies and am involved in my community. It just feels like I still have that intense fear and shame of sex that I felt in the police station to which I have added the shame of escorts and the secret life I have been living.