Please help with action plan for husband

Sadness7, as much as I commend you for supporting your husband, I'm afraid we need to set some things straight:

You're doing all the work. This is not how it works.

He's the one who is addicted. HE needs to man up and come up with a recovery plan. Not you.

You can't "fix" his temporary inability to make love to you. HE needs to start fixing it.

Do you see where I'm getting at? Maybe I'm wrong, forgive me if I am, but to me, it sounds like he's basically agreeing to whatever you're proposing, hoping that you'll have a master plan and will also keep motivating him to stick to it. But frankly, that's not how it works. Don't take all the responsibility for his recovery. I know you want to help him, but he doesn't need a "mother", he needs a partner, one that also tells him that if things go on like that, it will have consequences. Stand straight, Sadness7, and let him know how deeply you are hurt. Don't be his cushion protecting him from rock bottom. And please educate yourself on co-dependency.

Regarding the action plan: How about encouraging him to journal in some form? Maybe even here?

Sending you strength.

 

Sadness7,

I'm so sorry to hear of your story. Please know that you're not alone. You have just found a new circle of friends.
Please consider starting a journal of your own in the women's section. There are many great people there that can give you lots of good advice, that have gone through the same thing.

I just saw @fupornwife's thread: http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.ph...t-supporting-a-partner-in-kicking-porn.67424/
Maybe that's worth a read for you, too.

Codependency: Realization is the first step to improvement! Step one, check! Don't give up!

 

Sadness7,

This journey will bring you more than what you think it will in the end.
We come here to stop fapping to porn as the "addict" or we are here just like you as the "victim". After the initial moment where we discuss the viewing and the fapping, thinking its just a bad habit, we discover that there is more to it.

An example: You did lots to adapt to your hubby...my wife barely did anything to adapt. You went above and beyond. She accused me of never being satisfied. Didnt play dress up, never acted on any of my fetishes...

I'm left with many questions on my addictions and I seek healing thru techniques learned from other forumers....I bought a book, Cupid's poisoned arrow. I will learn how to make love in a way to quench my thirst for sex by putting extra effort into caresses and cuddling, but avoiding orgasms (Karezza). There is significant others (SOs) a.k.a "the victims" that are coming to the same conclusion.

I started with "control yourself, don't touch yourself and don't go to porn sites"...
Then I learned about many things about myself.

You are beautiful Sadness7, you are truly. But what you went thru tells a tale...

I suggest that you consider, only consider, buying this book:
http://shiftct.com/reinventing-your...tive-behavior-and-feel-great-again/?print=pdf

It's cheap on amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-...6582372&sr=8-1&keywords=reinventing-your-life

$11.09!
I bought it for myself and a copy for my wife a few years back, recommended by a therapist, looking at my self-defeating schemes...that I learned early in my life. My wife had many also....the book is put up in a way that it jumps at you...the best self-analysis ever, but together in a simple and understandable way. You might be very surprised.
I am now pulling it out of the drawers again!

We are here to help, trust me...Keep talking to people, PM me if you have questions, or stay public, as you wish...

In a nutshell..you ended up here for a few reasons, you will find other reasons, you will find answers you never ask the question for...depending on who you talk to.
You need to talk to a few nice ladies here like @fupornwife , that have a good multi-talented approach. @HopeFaith , @about a girl , etc...there is very important and touching testimonies here.

Keep it up, you are worth it!

 

I came here to sort out my supposed MO problem wondering what am I doing here since I am not P addict. And it took me 2 months of faild attempts to truly realise that I did infact had a huge problem. Since my MO became under control I have learned that I have been codependant all my life, had problems with the web surfing, disconection, childhood abuse, PTSD and life long addiction paterns.

I now understand that all addictions have their rootes in internal disconection from who we truly are and now am trying to learn to reconect. But one think is sure, once we are aware of our problems...... no mater what they are... we can sort them out. And codepandancy is not such a big issue, I would argue that every addict is codependant and majority of this world relationships are codependant but people do not even know it. You are aware of it and that gives you huge advantage of doing something about it and healing.

Once you put your mind to it and invest your time in learning and reading around the problem and seek solution, life will give it to you. Most likely u will discover other issues that are causinng your codependance in the first place
... So codepandancy is a symptom just like any addiction... so head up, his is self discovery journey and as long as u are on it all is well..... no mater what you discover about yourself u can improve or recover but it takes time and perseverance.

 

And can I sugest one thing for you? You call yourself @Sadness7. Maybe this is how you feel right now or how you have been feelining most of your life....but we become who we think we are. If you constantly think of yourself as stupid this is who you will become and this is how you will act out. This is why early childhood abouse has such negative effects on people's self immage. This is why bulling and name calling other people is so harmful. It does influence people's perception of who they are. If from early on in life your parents constantly treat you as you are bad, unworthy of love, or a failure... u start believing it and acting out like you are infact all those things. So names you call yourself are very important and they will determine how you feel and think about yourself on the subconcious level.

Also sadness is a feeing that comes and goes. It is not here to stay. If this is how you call yourself you are making concious decision to keep it with you for ever as even at times when you are happy.... that name will link u with sadness and remind you of who you falsely believe you are. And you are not any of your negative emotions. If you need to identify with emotions choose a positive one ... a emotion you want to feel more of ... This is what it means leaving negative past behind and moving forward into positive future....

Part of your recovery is to learn and recognise all those malfunctioning paterns in your life and to change them.
Calling yourself "Happiness"or "Love or what ever else positive you can think of will shift your thinking just a little bit. Also, no mater what you discover about yourself.... start believing that you are recovering and that you will recover. This is very dificult at the begining when we do not know or see our way out or when enormity of our problems overwhelms us .... but believing we will get there is of paramount importance. Infact, this is often what determines success or failure in given task.

 

I agree totally. Being an addict myself the worst thing ever is to have somone else nagging at you and pushing you to give up when you do not want too! My mum was at me constantly wanting me to stop smoking and it only achieved the opposite. Untill I decided I needed to do it for myself... nothing she said worked. It only annoyed me.

When it comes to P addicts... sometimes the fear of loosing the significant other is what starts them off on their recovery but sometimes addiction wins. But for me it sounds that you are in a desperate fear of loosing your husband. This is why you will do what ever it takes for him to get better. It is ok. Life is all about facing our fears and growing. Once we do we become those amaising peope...because we realise that our fears were just keeping us prisoners. Some of the worst things we fear in life .... never actualy happen. And facing to our fears and leting go of them is truly liberating and life changing experience.

You need to take a step back and start looking after yourself here as his addiction could destroy him and you together if you allow it. Do you know what makes you happy apart from your husband? You need to do more of those things. Regardless of what is happening with your husband, there is no point in 2 peope sinking. You have to remain happy and self loving and look after yourself the best you can in all of this. As only when you are happy and standing strong you could possibly help him out.

Most importantly you have to realise if is not your responsibility for your husband to quit P. You can not feel his pain or walk his path for him. He must want to do it. So please let go of the huge burden you have placed yourself under. I know it is hard to stand by and watch somone destroy their life and your marrige and dreams ...but it is even hader to stand by and watch somone destroy his life and your own life together. Trust me I had that done to me.
There is nothing worst than to wake up and see your life thrown down the drain or waisted.

You are not responsible for your husband's addiction or recovery and nothing you do or say to him would make any difference .... untill he himself sees the damage or pain this is causing. You can of course read around the subject to find the best way out and share that knowledge with him.... but at the end of the day, it is his call and decision to walk the path.

The best thing for u to do right now is to build into your life things that are beneficial for you what would make you happy. The more the beter but even one is a good start. Also build a support network for yourself. This is why you are here and we will do all we can to help you out. You are not alone in.

 

And one more thing, it is important for you to recognise how all of this is affecting you emotionally and to face your feelings. Whether it is anger or betrayal of fear or loss of hope or sadness you are feeling .... keep on expressing your feelings. You have your emotional recovery to undergo and this is as important as the one your husband must complete. So focuss on yourself first as this is the only thing you can truly influence and improve.

 

You got it. Even if u were a super model your husband would loose interest towards you as nothing can compeat with milions girls he can see on the screen! So you can let go of any self blame or wondering if it is your fault or if only you have done things differently... His addiction has nothing to do with you or what you have done, it is not about you being too fat or too slim or not engaging is certain sexual acts or....what ever. You might be very surprised but PMO addiction has actualy nothing to do with sex either!

Your husband is using PMO or MO to escape his pain. Any addiction is in fact a malfunction in the emotional processing of our pain and emotions. Rather than feeling our feelings and self comforting them we choose to escape them by numbing them. That is all this is. People just use different things to escape their pain. Even ur codependance issue boils down to you not facing your fears and pain and using another person to fill in the internal void you have inside you.

So both you and your husband have to do the same work here but on seperate issues. That is to face your pain and horrible feeling you are both avoiding in a diferent way and rather than a tying to numb them with PMO or another person, shopping, alcohol, TV or smoking... let the pain in to be felt. Once you feel it, it will go away and with it any need for any addiction or codependance. This is a very simplistic explanation in the nutshell.

So you need to let go of your emotional dependence on your husband in the same way he needs to let go of his PMO and you both start facing up to the crapy feelings inside you and learnnig how to cope with how you feel by self smoothing and comforting your internal pain in a healthy way. It is all about stopping the running away and everything about facing up to how we truly feel inside. It is about changing how we treat and feel about ourselfs. Do we truly love who we are or are we doing everything possible to run away and district from being alone because deeply inside we feel soo bad and empty? Are we talking about ourself with love using loving adjectives or are we calling ourselves names, self criticising, judging, blaming and feeling that as people alone we are worth absolutely nothing? Do we feel uncomfortable alone?

Healthy people do not need to run away from who they are as they cried their tears and faced their fears and establish truly compassionate view about themselves so they are happy being who they are. Only by facing what is inside of us we can truly recover. Otherwise people just swap one compulsion for the next.

 

This was my first thought. How is he going to overcome this habit when she is doing all the work? After all, no one can physically help you overcoming this, when he is the one who is doing it (or rather not doing it). The only way you can help him is by mentally supporting him and facilitating a safespace by whom he can secure login details etc.

The main thing your husband might need to realise is that this addiction or habit (whatever you want to call it) is fundamentally different from every other addiction. The effects on the brain are as strong as cocaine or heroin, but they aren't as easy to oevrdose and kill you. It is possible (a man once died after he masturbated 42 times a day), yet very unlikely. The drive for P is equal to sex, yet P is a hyperstimuli and thus more interesting for the brain than sex. This natural desire for sex is being fulfilled by an unnatural stimuli.
The conclusion in this is that PMO slips in between different form of habits/addictions: between synthetic drugs as cocain, or food addiction. That is what makes it so troubling.

The worst thing about is, it the rational realisation that the thing that feels good ultimately is bad for you (and the other way around for PMO addiction.) This is the contrary to what our instincts believe.

 

I am so very sorry for your pain and your situation. There's so very much that I could say, but I want to focus on this right now.

This is scary. His behavior borders on abusive. Is he purposely isolating you from others? Please read this from http://www.ncadv.org/need-help/what-is-domestic-violence

What may start out as something that was first believed to be harmless (e.g., wanting the victim to spend all their time only with them because they love them so much) escalates into extreme control and abuse (e.g., threatening to kill or hurt the victim or others if they speak to family, friends, etc.). Some examples of abusive tendencies include but are not limited to:

• Telling the victim that they can never do anything right
• Showing jealousy of the victim’s family and friends and time spent away
• Accusing the victim of cheating
• Keeping or discouraging the victim from seeing friends or family members
• Embarrassing or shaming the victim with put-downs
• Controlling every penny spent in the household
• Taking the victim’s money or refusing to give them money for expenses
• Looking at or acting in ways that scare the person they are abusing
• Controlling who the victim sees, where they go, or what they do
• Dictating how the victim dresses, wears their hair, etc.
• Stalking the victim or monitoring their victim’s every move (in person or also via the internet and/or other devices such as GPS tracking or the victim’s phone)
• Preventing the victim from making their own decisions
• Telling the victim that they are a bad parent or threatening to hurt, kill, or take away their children
• Threatening to hurt or kill the victim’s friends, loved ones, or pets
• Intimidating the victim with guns, knives, or other weapons
• Pressuring the victim to have sex when they don’t want to or to do things sexually they are not comfortable with
• Forcing sex with others
• Refusing to use protection when having sex or sabotaging birth control
• Pressuring or forcing the victim to use drugs or alcohol
• Preventing the victim from working or attending school, harassing the victim at either, keeping their victim up all night so they perform badly at their job or in school
• Destroying the victim’s property

If any of that sounds familiar, please read more here. http://www.ncadv.org/need-help/get-help

You can also call their hotline. For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).

Secondly, on the self harming. I am so sad and worried for you. I wish I could give you a hug and make all this better, but I can't! Please contact someone for help. A doctor. A therapist. Perhaps call a hotline.

According to this website: https://www.safehelpline.org/effects-of-sexual-assault/self-harm-injury

"Some victims of sexual assault may use self-harm as a way to cope with difficult or painful feelings. Deliberate self-harm is when an individual inflicts physical harm on themselves, believing it will help them cope with their experiences and emotions. Self-harm is only a temporary relief, which can lead to permanent damage to the body and add more psychological problems that hinder the healing process."

Call the Safe Helpline at 877-995-5247

I know you came here for an action plan to help your husband. But you cannot fix his problems. He has to fix it and he has to be willing to fix it. Which is not to say you need to just live with it. You need to help yourself, first and foremost.

We do have a group for the SOs of PMO addicts. I will invite you. I'll also respond to your private message.