I shouldn't still be struggling with this... I should have overcame by now

He alone can help and satisfy us. Nothing else ever will.

We cannot really know what it means to trust in God until we come to the end of ourselves. When we are completely out of energy and exhausted to our core, when we turn to him in that moment and see him do for us what we could never do for ourselves, then we begin to believe. Then we begin to trust. Then we begin to learn what it means to let him fight for us and to stop striving against his good work within us by "trying our best."

HIMSELF
by A. B. Simpson

Once it was the blessing, Now it is the Lord;
Once it was the feeling, Now it is His Word.
Once His gifts I wanted, Now the Giver own;
Once I sought for healing, Now Himself alone.

Once ’twas painful trying, Now ’tis perfect trust;
Once a half salvation, Now the uttermost.
Once ’twas ceaseless holding, Now He holds me fast;
Once ’twas constant drifting, Now my anchor’s cast.

Once ’twas busy planning, Now ’tis trustful prayer;
Once ’twas anxious caring, Now He has the care.
Once ’twas what I wanted, Now what Jesus says;
Once ’twas constant asking, Now ’tis ceaseless praise.

Once it was my working, His it hence shall be;
Once I tried to use Him, Now He uses me.
Once the power I wanted, Now the Mighty One;
Once for self I labored, Now for Him alone.

Once I hoped in Jesus, Now I know He’s mine;
Once my lamps were dying, Now they brightly shine.
Once for death I waited, Now His coming hail;
And my hopes are anchored, Safe within the vail.

 

This is a long and difficult journey for most people, because it is an addiction. I myself have struggled for 12, maybe 13 years at this point. Since I was a kid. It is exhausting. It is frustrating. Resets can even often occur without any real arousal or desire, because it's just what one does to fill the time or the gaps in their heart.

If you have repented and placed your faith in Jesus as your Lord, who died and rose for your sins, then you are saved. You have been set free. But freedom doesn't mean we don't still run back to our old chains sometimes, because they are familiar. And we still have a sin nature until we have a new body in Heaven and we are made perfect. But you are free and you have a choice to walk in that freedom. The struggle towards it is part of sanctification. You have recognized that what you do is wrong, that God has a better way, and that you must change your life in that direction. And you are wanting it and working towards it and praying for it. Compared to those who hate God, who don't care about his ways and indulge whatever desires they have, who objectify others and themselves, who feel entitled to carnal pleasure, who lack self-control, who love their chains, who mock those that want freedom... you are free indeed. You are a new creature that is capable of greater things through God's strength.

Those who go 500+ days are not perfect. They still battle temptation and many wind up resetting even after many years. And yes, perhaps some will truly never reset again. Hooray! But that fight to get to such a point takes time and lots of prayer. Maybe some achieve their goals sooner than others. But we each have our own walk with God and can't compare ourselves to others. I know this is hard. I compare myself sometimes too. But we all come from different backgrounds and different challenges in our faith that affect our journeys. We must pray and strive to be more like Jesus, not more like our peers.

For many, the root of this addiction is not in sexual lust, but in pure and good desires that have been twisted and corrupted until they become lust. At that point, it is difficult to recognize why we even turn to PMO to begin with. "Why do I do it even when I have no real desire?" Without arousal or even enjoyment, is it truly lust alone that is driving you to sin? No, it is likely something deeper. Much like how alcoholics may drink because they enjoy the buzz, but deeper down, they really just want to numb and forget their pains and sadness. Or maybe they think it's the only way they can "let loose" when they feel so tense.
For those of us who became addicted while we were children, through early exposure to sexual subject matter or porn, our development during the most vulnerable part of our lives was attacked. It creates trauma and ill-adjusted coping mechanisms, especially if we had other issues with parents or peers while growing up. It goes far deeper than mere lust and attraction. Based on the age in your profile and how long you mentioned fighting this addiction, I'm assuming you became addicted as a child. You are not alone and there are many here who have struggled the same way. The enemy got his claws in you very deep for a very long time. You probably have a lot of self-reflection to do. Lots of prayer. But God will heal you, as he is healing me and the many others who have suffered the same loss of innocence. Perhaps you can start a journal if you haven't already.

You mentioned wanting to love someone and take care of someone. That's a good and pure thing to want. Such desires can be twisted by this addiction, in which you may turn to PMO to fill that need. PMO cannot satisify that. At all. It's fake and distant and leaves one hollow.

If you are feeling lonely, please know that it's okay. God is enough for us, but he still created us to desire the love and company of others. When God created Adam, everything was perfect. There was no sin and there was perfect fellowship with God. But God still said "it is not good for man to be alone." Adam had full access to God and yet... God said that creation is not quite complete! Is God enough for us? Yes. Must God come first and center in our lives? Yes. Does God still place in us the desire to be in a community with other humans and to love each other because it's part of his will for humanity? Also yes. I say that to encourage you not to think of your desire for loving someone to be wrong or indicative of a lack of trust in God. Although you should not attempt to fill your loneliness with PMO, or become obsessed with loneliness and wallow in self-pity, it is acceptable to desire that your loneliness be met and for good, godly, and loving people to come into your life. Search for Bible groups in-person and ask God to guide your search (I’m not suggesting this as an easy or quick fix, but just a reminder that it’s good to be open to community!) It can take a lot of time to find the right people. That happens. Turn to God and let him know your needs and your pain. He understands you! It can be frustrating to wait on his timing, but he has what is best for us. And let him continue to work in you and through you and heal you.

I recently had this channel recommended to me and it has helped me tremendously so far. Perhaps you can consider, if any of this applies to you. Apologies if it doesn't; I don't mean to assume anything about you. I usually offer advice with things I'm familiar with and just hope it helps



"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:15-16

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

Keep going! A better life awaits.

 

I was trapped in PMO for 25 years before I took it seriously. I have been fighting actively now for over a decade. In that time, I have had long periods of freedom, shorter periods of going back into captivity, and many ups and downs. I know who I am becoming in Christ. I know that if I choose to stick close to him and choose to go his way in each moment, I can be be free and at peace. I often choose to do otherwise, but I am reminded each time of what a dead end sin is. I am, quite possibly, the slowest learner of all time. God remained faithful and merciful, even when I choose to go my own way. He has always welcomed me back when I have come to my senses. The prodigal has left and returned home many times over.

This is not a question of God's goodness toward us. It is 100% a question of our desire to be with him and live his way. If we stray too far and for too long, I think we will eventually lose all desire to return. We will indeed be lost. And that is a hard way to go. There is a much better one open to us. But we must choose it. I am confident he is slowly transforming me to be like him.

My question for myself each day is this: What sort of man do I want to be? One who preys on others and turns human beings into objects? Or one who denies the worse parts of himself so that he can live a reasonably happy life? Do I want to be guided by God's goodness within me or by the weak, dying old man who also still lives there?

Choose this day whom you will serve.

John 16:33 - “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

 

Great discussion here, everyone. Thank you, @Tao Jones, for continuing to share your wisdom. Thank you, @Faithe, for a truly wonderful and encouraging post.