NoFap

Age 41 – After 30 days of quitting porn

Gentlemen and ladies,

I’m obligated to give a 30-day report, for reasons I will explain. Also, I know it will help me feel awesome.

With regard to superpowers, I’m not running my own company (yet) or making fashion models drop their shopping bags in awe, but I am having consistent small successes and victories in my life which, taken together, do add up to the miraculous, especially relative to how I was living and felt 31 days ago.

Most days, I don’t feel my life has changed that much (other than no PMO). But I have a sense that a seed is planted and swelling to life, that a tide has turned, and that massive, massive change is afoot. I glimpse it in small (yet huge) ways almost every day.

I think the foundation for all of this higher self-esteem. Not arrogance, or even confidence much of the time, but a stronger sense at my core that I am valuable and that I can handle life. You feel it too, because you’ve made the same decision I have.

The result of this feeling is small-but-better decisions throughout the day, which are rapidly adding up to a better experience of life.

I “find myself” doing the following:

  • Getting up in the morning
  • Exercising every day
  • Looking women in the eye and speaking more confidently with them
  • Opening small conversations with strangers
  • Turning off video games in favor of something more productive
  • Closing internet tabs that are a time sink (YouTube, news sites, etc.)
  • Choosing to make that phone call to a friend, or answer the call that’s coming in
  • Choosing to go to that hobbyist meeting I’d been considering
  • Choosing to come clean with my therapist that I have a porn problem
  • Taking small steps on a half-dozen projects that I’ve intended to start for a long time but never have
  • Standing up straighter, holding my chest out a little more
  • Generally choosing, moment-to-moment, to move toward healthy/positive things and away from unhealthy/negative ones

Before, I would stay in bed all morning, or read internet bullshit for hours (often leading to PMO). Now my brain says, “You’re better than this,” and I get up, get out, and take positive action.

Then, immediately, my brain witnesses this change, and thinks, “Whoa, that’s new, that’s good” and my self-esteem gets another little uptick. Ultimately, I seem to be in a POSITIVE FEEDBACK LOOP, rather than the negative one that PMO created and gradually wore me down, down, down for, well, decades.

To be clear, this does not happen all day every day! Last night I wasted lots of time playing Plants v. Zombies! And I felt shitty about it. But I also did a shitload of productive things yesterday. And it’s the latter that resonates in my consciousness, which is what got me up this morning and writing this post to help you guys/gals (and to help myself!).

I have had a few external things that are inexplicable, but real:

  • I have had men at events/gatherings introduce themselves to me
  • I have had attractive women start conversations with me, and even blush at their own awkwardness (bizarre!)

Sexually, I’m basically dead. I’ve been more or less flatline since Day One, with only a hand full of half-mast erections. (Not literally a hand full, fuckers. I meant “a few”.) Actually this morning I had some wood coming and going that was stronger than I’ve felt yet. Mentally, I’ve very attracted to hot women, and check them out (not creepy tho), but I have zero physical response and no sense that I could perform if I got the opportunity.

But I don’t care! I mean I do, but I’m being patient. I’m actually grateful for the serenity and quiet, when so many of you are struggling every day to fight urges. My willpower has historically sucked, so I’m not sure I could stop myself.

So….so far, so good. I’m enjoying the slow awakening of my positive self, and hopefully, a new sexual self eventually. I feel hope for the first time in a long time. I’m sensing the early tremors of a massive life shift, and I hope it’s real.

Now, let me close with this:

The MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do for your recovery is to GIVE to others in recovery, and I’ve found no place better than here. YOUR opinion and experiences are valuable to others here, no matter how freaky or “unique.” In fact, the more oddball your experience, the more likely you will help that other oddball that is just like you and feels totally alone. YOUR support matters to someone else here, no matter how small or weird you feel on any given day.

If you take nothing else from this post, take this: Comment regularly on NoFap, especially a little deeper on the New pages on posts with zero comments. Also, post your own experience regularly on NoFap, both your victories and your struggles, ESPECIALLY as you get into longer streaks. There is a high percentage of Week 1 people here, and they need the insight, support, and inspiration of longer-streak folks.

Go support someone in the New section right now. I mean it!

Stay frosty, Faptains.

NoFap results originally posted by NoFap user iampowerlessover (source)

Comments

  1. Quitter says:

    I fell back into the trap late last night. I think I’m addicted and have never actually admitted that before. I’m 40ish and I guess you’d say shy with women. It used to be so much easier to run home to my comfortable porn about 18-20 years ago and i was a late bloomer who eventually found his girl and married.

    I haven’t had to address this problem in probably 15 years and even back then I was never fully caught, just some bad googling left behind.

    Lately, I’ve been running back to my old fantasies. I have such mixed feelings of excitement, arousal and guilt all at the same time and I know it’s inherently wrong BUT I struggle with the fact that I go very long stretches (months and months) that sometimes involve actual, although I usually perform horribly, sex, between these failures. So since the time between is so long I almost convince myself I deserve it.

    I think I’ve almost got this conquered, but I’m so depressed in a successful, self imposed only… Stressful job.

    I have several culture changing inventions/ideas that fall flat always because of my social anxiety that I’m sure is related to this secret addiction.

    Since I’m going full confession, might as well mention the daily pot use, while maintaining what you would consider a very successful career, for the past 25 years.

    I know it’s all related, I’m very depressed, it at times leads to masturbation and pornography I don’t know how to tell a doctor or therapist and it gives me anxiety even thinking about it.

    I’m trapped at the moment and pray daily for help. Some days are better than others. I love my family dearly and want to be normal for them but I don’t know how yet.

  2. Nirav says:

    Very nice i like it

  3. Ancientmariner says:

    Thank you for sharing I hope it helps you to know you’ve helped me to recognize and acknowledge my own failings and frustrations and to focus on the positive

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