Nerds will recognize the name immediately. Gaius Baltar is a confusing and divided man. A man of science. So he is not stupid. A womanizer, so he gets the girls, specially the Hot Cylon Blonde. He knows about falling in love (with the Cylon). And he gives the Cylon the access codes to the mainframe and then the world ends and the tv series begins. Ah despite all of this we don't like G.Baltar. And we don't like him because he is a coward and because he is selfish. I don't like him either. But the SOB resonates with me somehow (no I'm not a womanizer and no I don't get the girls). Nerds will also remember the spiritual voyage of G.Baltar. He was the ultimate atheist but found God, he was deeply flawed and yet he became a preacher. He was a coward but he saved the only girl that mattered (Hera). Oh and in the end he gets the only girl he loves the hot Cylon babe. Hero? no far from it. Human? oh yeah. Now why am I here? You all heard parts of this story in one form or the other it is becoming a cliche! Basically I gave the access codes ... well to Satan! But like the original Baltar I did not know what I was doing! If only I knew...... 0) I'm clinically depressed for about 7 years. 1) Dick stopped functioning properly about 1 year ago. ED with a gorgeous girl. WTF? 2) Tried 4 times and it didn't work. Maybe it's the depression maybe its the anxiety? maybe it's the meds maybe it's this it's that. Ok let's google this shit. 3) Found YBOP and r/NoFap. Oh shit! I'm f**d ! 4) 1st Reboot. My way because I'm so smart ! . Cut the P not the P substitutes and no way Im cutting MO ( these guys must be crazy). The dick became a little better after 7 days. The anxiety and depression got way worse around day 20. Now I'm scared. f** this shit. Relapse. Binge somewhat. Note that I (used to) like my P varied, from the extreme (you know what I'm talking about) to the vanilla to the mildly erotic, erotic stories, to online cams, to girls fully clothed to movies with some of erotic content and even girls feet. And no I don't have a foot fetish but I find them highly erotic! 5) Cycles of half ass mode reboot and abstinence and relapse 6) I went through Hell in the month of July. Panic attacks, could barely work went to to Doctor ---> more meds. Then I got some vacation time. Finally!!! 7) About this time my journal has no more jokes in it! I'm pissed. I'm scared but then I admit to myself I have a serious problem! I'm an addict! Followed by how could I ever been so stupid! 8) Then I started reading more deeply! YBOP NoFap the stories, the journals, the voyages from hell to heaven and back to Hell again. There are no coincidences in medicine! The stories were scaring and yet so similar to my own. The problems in bed, the ED, the PE, the PA, the problems with girls, with rejections, why did they dumped you, the induced fetiches and so on. 8.1) When so many straight guys are watching gay porn and gay men and lesbian women are watching (guess what) straight porn! something is very very wrong. Hey at some point I admitted to myself that maybe I'm bisexual or gay. It's ok really! I just wan't to get better. I'm all about freedom. Freedom of speech, freedom of belief and religion, sexual orientation freedom. I have no problem with that. I don't make moral judgements about that. But I do have a problem with slavery! And here I was... A slave to P to MO to PMO to XMO to FMO (X as in P substitutes) 9) Then I tried a Reboot with no O. I cut the P and left only the mildest X. I didn't cut the M. And I cut the extra dose of meds the doctor ordered also. 30 days. Hey this was not so bad. I made it! I don't miss the P. 10) Had wonderful sex with a girl! Finnaly! Wow mind-blowing, intense and so much better than PMO. 11) Ok I'm better but I don't have the famous superpowers and I have the same depression of the last 7 years not much worse but not feeling better either. 11.1) And I cried and I cried and I cried some more and then I would watch a movie about some love story, any movie with some love in it and it would make me cry. WTF I'm I crying about??? I actually cried more in the past year than all of my life. But guess what real MEN cry! 12) Went into a reading frenzy. Books about depression, about woman, about PUA about this and that trying to make sense of my life and WTF went wrong with me. Some were technical, one about CBT helped a little. I knew I had to silence the "inner critic". The MTF has been waking up with me all this time and I believed his bullshit!! So I have low self esteem! But why? Is the PMO the cause or is it the symptom? Then I went rogue. Self help books! Some helped and gave me some insight. Some not. I even read "The Secret". I also read more books in the past year than in the previous 10. 13) I could not forgive myself for what went wrong with my life. I didn't like me! I did not love myself! But one little book made the difference! Go figure! borderline spiritual stuff. "You can heal your life" by Louise L. Hay. Somehow the message got hold of me. A message of Responsibility but also Forgiveness and Compassion and Love for oneself. 13.1) Let me tell you what worked for me!(based on one of her exercises) Inner Dialog: Ok I hate myself. I am responsible for all the shit in my love life and I don't like the way I acted on certain occasions. 13.2) What about 10 years ago? Do I still hate myself? yes! But I also accomplished shit that I'm proud of ! true... but I don't forgive the rest! 13.3) Ok What about 20 years ago? And what about 25? I also accomplished shit that I'm proud of ! meh I still don't forgive. 13.4) Ok what about when you were a little boy! Do you still hate him? 13.5) Silence......... WTF just happened? 13.6) And this changed everything! I started to cry and I yelled "Of course not! you MF! He is just a little boy!!! I love him!" 13.7) So there you go dumbass you and him are the same person! 13.8) Ever since then the inner critic silenced himself. Not right away but eventually he just gave up and STFUP 14) I went back to the PMO issue! Let's read more about a "hard mode" reboot. I read this line on YBOP "Symptoms and feedback indicate that eliminating or drastically reducing masturbation produces a deeper withdrawal and shorter rebooting period" 15) Ok So let's see what it looks like! Test the waters! 7 days "hard mode" 16) Holly shit. I barely made it! Only 7 days. "deeper" is a huge understatement. If I had any remaining doubts they disappeared in that moment. Because huge withdrawal symptoms mean a strong addiction! 17) Read some more. Braced myself ok let's go hard mode for as long as I can mentally withstand! 18) Withdrawal. Hell! more withdrawal more hell. getting better ? Fuck no! I'm worse. But then I thought. Fuck it I'm going if it's withdrawal than this is the way. 19) It is no longer about the dick! Or erections or sex or girls or getting laid! I could not care less! It's about being a real man instead of a coward. It's about my life. I don't care anymore. 20) It has been 30 days since my last (very intense!) O reading some sick P story! Ever since that day I have not O I have not watched P or any substitutes whatsoever I have not M. And now I finally understand! 21) Huge withdrawal symptoms but also huge clarity moments. Now I see what went wrong with my life and above all else the WHY! Was it all due to the PMO or the XMO? I doubt it, maybe it played a critical part dunno. What I do know Is that I was self medicating all these years with a very nasty POISON. 21.1 "M will make you blind!" . Of course it will! Not literally of course. Blind to love! 22) I know I'm sick but I'm getting better, one day at a time just one more day... 23) I'm not alone in this. Most of you are sick too. But you know you are sick and you are trying to get better. I suspect a huge number of people are sick and are completely oblivious....but time is not on their side..... 24) The real sad part is that girls are getting sick too. Some to PMO, some because their men are into PMO. And that is just sad! Girls still remember the song of love. They remember Men. Not the alpha males, not the jerks or the bad boys with great abs! but real Men! Brave Men with a heart and a brain! But slowly they are starting to forget........ they are slowly giving up.... they are slowly letting go.... like a dream half remembered of a song 190 000 years old..... 25) Final thoughts. I'm sorry for laying down my burdens with you. I needed it. Hey maybe this will help one guy, or one girl! just one is enough!. You are the real heroes and heroins of this horror movie! You are not weak! You are pioneers! all of you... the ones with the big counters the ones that keep trying and keep falling... I'm proud of all of you. All brave men. Because I know that if you knew what you know today you would probably not touch your dick to MO and certainly not to PMO. 26) Forgive. Love. Simple. Sound's familiar? It is related to the number 2016 and it is in the the ultimate best-selling book of all time. Forgive. Love. Somehow the words lost their meaning and yet were always there for anyone to read. Forgive. Love. Start with yourself. One day you will forgive yourself, one day you will love yourself, and one day you will fall in love with a girl and a girl will fall in love with you. How do I know this? Well you see once I knew true love. The stuff of movies. Real intense and reciprocal..... and then I broke my own heart and hers in less than 5 minutes. If only I had not spoken those words.... But I was already poisoned. That was 14 years ago and that is why forgiving myself has been so difficult.
Devoured your story. Your spastic enthusiasm is awesome. Lol You have all the facts and information down... Porn is poison you know it. I am going through this journey with the love of my life. My bf is the addict. He's 90 days clean of PMO and MO. We are closer now then ever before. Sex is amazing!! I wish you the best and it sounds like you've finally had enough and you will triumph over this and finally get your life on track.
Thank you very much for your kind words I know (now) how this thing can be so corrosive/deadly to relationships. It really helped me a lot reading the female perspective on this. It allowed me to see the bigger picture and what we (men and women) really want. Good luck to you and your bf. I wish you both a speedy recovery and reconnect.
Thank you! He's so much better. He still suffers from anxiety and depression but nowhere on the level he use to. He has some childhood abuse issues he needs to tackle yet. I'm pretty sure that's one reason he was more susceptible to becoming an addict. I'll be looking out for you, hope you visit often.
I understand and lived every point u mentioned. The one that resonates the most with me is point 24. We do give up after a while and forget what real man are like. How far are you with your reboot? You are right! It is about your life and not about just sex. Your depression should improve but it might take some time and emotional processing of your pain. Keep going through the withdrawals as this is the only way out! U know it well I can see!
Thank you! I am on day 31 "hard mode". I don't have any urges and could not care less about sex and don't miss it either, Flatline? dunno. In the last days I had this crazy boost of energy both in my mind and body. Not used to it! feels kind of weird. Yesterday I was working out with the same load of weights I've been using lately but didn't even got tired even after I increased the reps The only thing I really miss is physical contact…. something like cuddling. So I'm not a complete monk !
Thou art brave. Keep focussing on your dreams and goals. I am on hard mode too after I hit the lowest in my life listening to the monkey in my head telling me what to watch, when to watch and how to hide it. I have a lot of urges but I'm keeping my hands off. Good luck!
