i hate my life. i've done stuff i've always regret in life. so i think i dont deserve happiness, so i might as well watch porn. no matter how much i confess i am unable to clear my conscience. thus i end up watching porn. for me i watch porn to punish myself as i think it's all i deserve.
The world is not fair, therefore you don't have to punish yourself for whatever you think you've done or not done. You can just make your life better instead of trying to "even out the books".
It's when we hit rock bottom that we often strive for change. Perhaps soon you'll have an epiphany and decide you've had enough of wallowing in self-pity. That's why I keep getting back up, anyway.
And see that it's doing you no good at all and you deserve better for yourself. This is such an insidious addiction.
Also, you might want to look at this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negativity_bias Negative events have a greater effect on us than positive ones, even if the positive ones actually are more impactful..
Thanks for the replies. I am not able to forgive myself for the things that i've done. it's easy to forgive others as then we go on a higher moral standard, but when we have to forgive ourself, it's like admitting to our mistakes. i keep on justifying my mistakes instead of admitting that i was at wrong. its like i'm stuck.
It sounds like you hit pretty low, I don't know your history on what you have done. If it's all sexual related then you most likely have a sex addiction problem. I would suggest trying to reach out to a physiologist that specializes in sexual addiction. A book that helped me is "out of the shadows" from Patrick Canes. It will help you realize that your not alone and maybe find the reason your doing these things. It took me over 2 years to get where I am, be true to yourself you can do it. Be honest with your Dr or he/she can't help you! Take control of your life one day at a time!