Hi. Random person here. I want so much more out of life then what I have. Masturbation, porn, spontaneous sexual behavior has ruined me. My life is in shambles. I barley can afford to be alive let alone live. I feel constantly haunted by the things I can accomplish. They sit in front of my eyes dancing to their song. I want to join but I cant seem to get up. I get up and fall back down. About 2 weeks ago I attempted a reset. It has ended in disaster. Something about giving it up makes the problem gain strength. As if it has a mind of it's own and say NO, you must stay with my. You cannot leave me. My sexual appetite rises to a place I am disgusted with. I want to love myself and the world around me. I need to change. I know this is going to be the most challenging thing of my lifetime. For perspective, I have had a problem with sex addiction/porn/masturbation for 13ish years. 13. Wow, it is hard for me to grasp that number. More time with a problem then not my entire life. Basically since I was 7 until now at the age of 22. 15 years actually. !$@# I don't know how I will do this. I don't know what I will do. $@%# so much life lost. I feel like I can. And I feel like I can't. I feel like I must. I feel like it's time to reevaluate what the hell I am doing and get serious about this. Life, money, finds, adventure, just everything. I am a person living a double life. A happy smiley excited kind and uplifting outside with a sad, hollow, exhausted, stressed, impulsive, and problematic other half. A half I can not recognize and do not want to live. TLDR: I have had a sexual addiction since 13 and now until 22. I feel like I can and can't do this. I want to feel alive and live life. I want my real self to come through. This addiction has corrupted and walled off my real self.
That was a close one. Almost relapsed. My impulsiveness is bad. Not this time. I'll come back and message to stop myself. I can't do that anymore. Gotta find something else.
We got this brothers, this time we all got this. Stay strong and keep yourself distracted with beneficial stuff.
Okay one day. I have gone one day. Wow, that is so little. So that takes me to a nice 1.82x10^-4 ratio over these years. I mean to say that 1/5475 days has been accomplished of total addiction days. (It is a little more then that, just perspective I suppose.) Yeah, today was not bad. I had a couple moments earlier in which I nearly relapsed or lost control. Something about being able to speak mind about the issue helped me a lot. A stronger reminder of why I can't do that anymore. That is day one. 5473 days to go.
Okay. So internet/youtube/electronics before sleeping. Bad idea. Better to read an actual book, work on a project. Something non-digital. Will go ahead and implement this now. Also, I have logged a fail. Day 0.
