Are you still there Sam ?

Sounds like your going through a healing process mate. Whenever we change/heal/grow it dislodges stuff that has been repressed/hiding/lurking in the shadows and brings them to the surface so you can let them go. And anything can come up at any point which causes you to feel emotional (the whole range) which is literally energy-in-motion because you are you are 'moving' beyond what you were. The fact is that we are all changing always and men in particular have a problem with that because we resist energy-in-motion and its resultant 'emotions' because 'boys don't cry' and we are 'real men'. No wonder the worlds so fucked when its full of people resisting change (the ONLY thing we can rely on!) and the e-motions that accompany it whilst trying to prove to everyone else just how in control we are because that taken to its extreme creates wars, period! We need to grow up as a race which, surprisingly, doesnt mean becoming more 'adult' like, it means regaining the childlike innocence that we have lost, that has been stolen from us via 'education' and our 'domestication'.

What you are experiencing might be similar to when you have a pile of really soiled and dirty dishes (your brain on porn!) and when you come to wash them you will find that the water gets dirtier before it gets cleaner as there's a lot of shit and grime to be removed. And this is when most give up , because they thought things were getting worse when in fact it was inevitible they would as the shit rises to the surface. But in the darkest hour the eye begins to see so even when it feels like theres no light at the end of the tunnel you've just got to buckle down and keep going because it will appear, however dark/confusing it appears sometimes. And the thing is with addiction is we use our 'fix' (whatever form it takes) to run away from change/growth or more accurately to keep us well and truly in our comfort zone which is a scary place to venture out of but venture we must if we are to move beyond the shit that keeps us down.

There an old zen saying that I love...

The three necessary qualities for training

1. Great Faith
2 Great Doubt
3. Great Persistance

...and when you undertake any kind of challenge/training Great Faith gets us started and nothing is going to stop us. But then the repressed stuff, and the doubts, fears, anxieties, regrets etc start to kick in to self-sabotage our efforts. And this is where most people fall. But for those of us who understand (usually instinctively) the three qualities this is where Great Persistance kicks in (like a super-hero) to 'save the day' and bring us right back to Great Faith until the inevitible Great Doubt kicks in and on and on, round and round it goes as we keep going, not towards a final destination but purely for the joy of blending, flowing, and moving with the natural changes which the fear of cripples the majority of people literally stopping them 'dead' in their tracks!

So I reckon its interestimg to observe what comes up for us, coz everything is our teacher, everything! We just have to be open to receive the lessons and like Richard Bach once said, 'never mistake the wrappimg for the gift.'

Ahem! I dont know where all that came from but I've said it all before but it was worth repeating

And I've said this before but here's a little tribute to Great Persistance...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGx94VPb8V8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

 

No worries man (and I love the play on words!) and you'll have to excuse me as I have the tendency to go off on one now and then And yes, I know loss as I split from wife last year but like you said earlier all we have is now and as long as we learn from those losses all's not lost

 

I have been in this situation before and the life has always bringed me the oportunity of meeting better girls than before, so why not could it happen to you aswell?

 

I... know that. And I think I wont be happy with a girl until I meet her again and make things clear. Make clear wether its real or just a weird dream that took total control over my mind. I mean... I dont know her, I know nothing about her, we never really talked. Now shes gone for almost 4 years. I think I have her email-adress, but what you write to a total stranger?...

 

Thank you. Well thats exactly my problem: it would be very very creepy to try to contact her. But I cant help it. Shes the aim of all my aspiration. And I dont even know wether I love a real person or just an idea of someone who never really existed. But I imagine that in all of my future relationships I will think: You missed the perfect girl and know youre together with that substitute (pun intended), shame on you.

 

ok I respect it


...altough my own experience tells what I have said yet, and I have known very special girls too.

Aniway the future is open.

 

Very insightful story man. Kinda makes people wonder what kind of decisions they should make and weather they should or should not trust their gut/intuition.

I am 21, never had a gf, probably because of my own stupidity. Here's just one of the stories:

I remember back when I was 7th grade I liked a girl that was in the classroom next to mine. I asked a friend who she is and he gave me her number. I started messaging her. She was all like "who the heck are you" I tried to not tell her who I was, but eventually gave up and told her that I'm from the neighbouring classroom. She then found out who I was and when she wanted to see me I chickened out. I asked that friend of mine if she liked me or not. He said he wasn't sure(probably lying) and so I let it go. BUT she did want to tell me something while I was walking along the hallway - she was all like: "No wait, let me tell you something" - but me, being the dweebapuss that I was I didn't want to talk to her anymore, because I believed she wouldn't like me. I'm pretty sure I was mistaken.

Nowadays I found her facebook by accident, and saw that she is single...with a baby in her arms. I guess she ended up with a douche that treated her like shit and left her pregnant...


What I've learned is that people like me should have more initiative...cause you never know who they might save.