Suffering wife seeks support as her marriage (and life) gets put back together

Thanks for the well wishes, @DanVT. I can only speak for myself but I think I can safely say that I'll need more than those first 5 sessions. Our couples counseling gets financial priority though. We're seeing the same therapist for our personal counseling, and she operates on a sliding scale. Once we both finish up our 5 sessions we'll have to crunch some numbers and assess the feasibility of continuing personal counseling. Fingers crossed!

 

@Garnadaan and I fought last night. Emotions are running high on both ends, as are our stress levels. As a result of this communication barriers are up. I hate it when we fight. Before all this happened we fought maybe once in a blue moon - it's happening a lot more frequently now (which makes sense but is still lame). Looking forward to couples counseling this evening....I'm a little weirded out at my excitement toward it but I think the excitement is there because it's a step we're taking together. Lately it's felt like we've been both pursuing our own individual recovery paths (him with going to weekly SA meetings and solo counseling, me with weekly S-Anon meetings and starting solo counseling tomorrow)...I think it'll be nice to be jointly taking direct action on repairing our marriage.

I didn't end up going to the movies yesterday. I'm planning on doing that today instead! The water is going to be shut off for 4 hours at our apartment complex for repair reasons. Seems like an ideal time to get out of the house! The movie theater is attached to a mall....oh no...curse you, mall! You and your siren song...my credit cards are cowering in fear.

 

Hi there, @The Eleven! I'm definitely curious about meditation. I've tried it once before, a long time ago, but the situation is (of course) a lot different now. I'm definitely interested in more information! Thanks for the suggestion.

 

Been an interesting past couple of days. @Garnadaan and I started couples counseling Thursday night...we really like our therapist. I think the counseling will be helpful to us both - there are certain parts of our situation that are definitely going to be uncomfortable to revisit, though (namely Garnadaan's physical attraction to an employee of his). I started personal counseling on Friday also....that'll really help me as well, I think. Due to Garnadaan's work schedule I'm going to start attending S-Anon meetings on Monday nights instead of Thursday nights.

Remember how I mentioned I was going to go shopping at a mall in one of my previous posts? Well, malls make me extremely anxious right now; they're apparently a trigger for negative emotions. Provocative ads + other women dressed provocatively = me feeling bad about myself. I feel like they're all telling me, "Hey, look at us. We're WOMEN, something you're not. We're better than you. Your husband shouldn't be wasting his time by being with you. You're worthless." I had a total meltdown on the way home - full blown panic attack. Social anxiety is definitely a thing for me now. I'm afraid to leave the house sometimes. For me, the worst thing about what's happened with @Garnadaan (aside from the betrayal, trust, and attraction to the aforementioned employee) is my feeling worthless, like I'm less than a woman...less than a person, even. My (admittedly already somewhat low pre-PMO disclosure) self-esteem as well as my feeling connected with my womanliness are practically nonexistent. I don't feel like I belong to the female gender anymore, which makes me feel more isolated than ever. In short, I feel terrible about myself.

Our couples counselor gave us homework: do an activity together outside of the house between Thursday and our next appointment (tomorrow morning). Last night we had a "date night" - we went out to dinner (Mediterranean food, yum) and saw the movie Inside Out. Today we went miniature golfing, which was really fun. The weekend has been great but I'm afraid of what this week will bring.

 

WOW, I had no idea that it's been so long since I posted! Holy moley! Life has been a bit bonkers but really positive lately.

As far as @Garnadaan 's and my relationship goes, things are improving more and more with each passing day. I think the couples counseling is really helping; we go back for our next session tonight. We still have "bad days" on occasion (fighting, negative emotions being experienced on both sides) but those days are getting fewer and farther between. The tradeoff is that when the bad days DO happen they're more severe (for me, at least). It's almost as if they're making up for lost time or something. When the good days happen, though, they're REALLY good. I'm not able to trust him yet; my wanting to be able to trust him, though, has always been present and is increasing exponentially.

My individual counseling has been beneficial as well. My counselor has been giving me tips and techniques to help manage panic attacks when they occur (which thankfully hasn't happened since the mall incident mentioned previously) as well as what to do when I get triggered. I'm still feeling pretty poopy as far as the whole "feeling like less of a woman" thing goes but it's improving. Baby steps, Gamerwife. Baby steps.

We're going to a wedding out of town this weekend. I think the trip will do us both some good; I'm nervous, though, about being triggered while we're gone and potentially making a scene in front of Garnadaan's family. We both have a plan in place for what to do to prevent that from happening though. Prepared minds prevail!

Separate from the PMO recovery-related stuff, there's a decent amount of stress going on in my world. I went to my OBGYN for my annual lady-parts exam on Monday. A couple weeks back I’d noticed some tightness/lumpiness in my right breast, and when my doc examined me she was extremely concerned by it. SO I’m scheduled for a bilateral mammogram and ultrasound on the 18th. I’m trying not to freak out too much about it but given everything that’s happening with my mom right now (she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and starts chemo next week) emotions regarding anything boob-related are running a bit high.

Garnadaan is so close to 60 days! I'm so proud of him.

@Rookie_Wookie - Thanks for the kind words! I wish you and your girlfriend all the best.

@Strugglesaurus - Hi there! Thanks for posting in my thread and serving as a reminder for me to post here.

 

Well, life just got a ton more difficult. The mammogram/ultrasound I mentioned previously? I was able to get the appointment moved up and I am SO GLAD that I did. A mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy later...it turns out that I have breast cancer. At the age of 30, no less.

What hasn't helped lately is that before the mammogram/ultrasound happened there was some miscommunication to me on @Garnadaan's part about an interaction he'd had with the coworker he's attracted to. Any trust that had been starting to be rebuilt these past couple of months was obliterated, and he and I are pretty much back at square one. Now that cancer's part of our lives I feel that everything pertaining to our PMO-related recovery as a couple has to be put on hold. My partner is supposed to be my prime support person as I embark on this "healing journey"; how can that be the case when I don't trust him and am terrified that all this will scare him off/make him stray again? If I lose a breast and/or my hair during the treatment process I fear my husband won't find me sexually attractive ever again and that he'll relapse (or even worse, find sexual release with someone else). This all ties into/adds to the "feeling like less of a woman" thoughts I was experiencing a short while back. I definitely feel like even less of a woman now. There's so much going on now I feel like my head's spinning.

I'm not sure how much more I'm going to be posting here on Nofap. I know this isn't the place to post about cancer - after this I won't mention it. If any PMO recovery-related updates transpire I'll update this thread accordingly.

 

Hi Blondewife! Always a joy to hear from you. I truly appreciate your kind words, they mean a lot. Thank you so much! You've brightened my day.

 

Thank you for the words of support. We're still finding out further details about the cancer...hopefully it hasn't metastasized (spread to other organs). If it hasn't then the odds will be more in our favor and we will beat it. Fingers crossed.

 

These past 11 days have been CRAZY for us - a whirlwind of phone calls to our insurance company and doctor's offices, appointments with surgeons, and stress. It's all been pretty surreal. I still have a hard time saying/typing the words: I have breast cancer.

I dropped all of my college classes for this semester (I'd enrolled in 14 units); that wasn't something I wanted to do but it needed to happen. From what I've read so far, cancer treatment requires A LOT of flexibility as far as scheduling goes; the idea of juggling school and treatment wouldn't have worked from a logistical standpoint. At this point my treatment plan is as follows: chemotherapy, followed by surgery (lumpectomy), then radiation. I might have to go through another round of chemo post-radiation depending on the results of a test we're waiting on. Garnadaan has been a champ; he's helping out around the house a lot more than usual and put himself in charge of handling all the important cancer-related phone calls. Since the diagnosis he's gone with me to every medical appointment as well. I'm truly blessed to have him by my side during this huge ordeal.

We have an appointment with an oncologist (cancer doctor) next Thursday, the day that @Garnadaan returns from the work conference he'll be attending next week. I remember a couple of months back pre-cancer diagnosis (cripes, has it really only been a couple of months? Feels longer than that, sheesh) that this annual work conference was a huge obstacle for his personal PMO recovery as well as our marriage's recovery. Even with all this cancer stuff the conference is still a big worry of mine but not as much as it was in recent months. I still don't trust Garnadaan much; I know that's the root of my conference-related worries. The conference is held in Las Vegas of all places, which doesn't exactly ease my mind! LOL. I do have to say, though, that Garnadaan has been doing so well with his reboot so far; I'm really proud of him. He's so close to his 90-day milestone; he's confident that he'll reach it and so am I.

Once chemo starts our sex life is almost guaranteed to take a hit. That's one of my primary concerns going forward. There will definitely be some adjustments to our, uh, activities, that'll have to be made. Those feelings I'd mentioned in previous entries, of feeling like less of a woman, are going to go into overdrive once I lose my hair. Ha, I definitely won't feel very sexy then! But we'll make it work.

That's all from me for now. Stay strong and vigilant, everyone!

 

Thank you for the kind words, @AnotherAnonymousWife. Your words warm my heart.