My Journey to Happiness and Peace

90 days. It almost sounds too good to be true. 90 days ago, I thought my world was falling apart. I thought I was losing the most important person in my life...little did I know he wasn't who I thought he was at all. NOW- he is more of a man than I could ever ask for. He may not be the most romantic guy in the world but he is sure showing me that he loves me! I asked him what he wanted me to make him for his 90 day celebratory dinner for tonight, I should've known he would say pizza. Ha! So i planned to make him a pizza for dinner tonight. Well, one of the cats got sick last night and had to go get Xrays and other things done this morning so I didn't have time to prepare pizza dough before work so I improvised. I called the pizza place right down the road from us and asked if they would do a pepperoni pizza (his favorite) with the pepperoni shaped in a "90". They said absolutely. This was a nice surprise for him! I am so proud of him, I can barely contain myself. He asked me if I thought he would actually make it this long, and to be honest, I really did not. He has proven to himself that he can do this and that it is worth it, not just for us but for his general well-being.

Some of the things I have noticed in 90 days(just a few because I have to go prepare tomorrow's breakfast )
-He is so much more confident
-He has a much higher sex drive (for me!)
-His voice has gotten slightly deeper
-His erections are rock hard
-He listens more
-He doesn't complain about doing little things
-He is happy in the morning
-He isn't always tired
-No depression
-He is respectful of my feelings
-He shows me that he loves me every day
-He is SO happy
-He smiles with his heart (instead of having to force a smile)
-He is so playful
-His work ethic has improved
-He is sexier to me now- now that I know he is saving himself for me

.......Man I could go on and on. The most important thing is that he is living life now. He is no longer hiding behind a computer trying to self-please himself. He is a man. He is a real, true man. He has emotions now and is learning to deal with them in a healthy way. I am very proud and I know he is too! I will encourage him to not let his guard down. Just when you think you have it beat, it can creep back out of no where. I do not want this to happen to him. He is worth more than that and I think he is starting to believe that too This is a major milestone in our lives and I could not be happier!

Stay strong everyone, wow, it is worth it.

 

Thanks Marise! I would strongly encourage you keeping a journal. Everyone here is so welcoming and supportive. I like to look back every once and a while when I'm having a bad day and see how far we have come and I feel very grateful to Haggis for his desire to change and I can remember that when I read it

I know it hurts when your boyfriend relapses but I think you are very loving to stay with him and help him. You need to remember to stay healthy yourself though! It is very easy to get caught up in being worried about him but make sure you take care of yourself too I became very unhealthy- physically, emotionally, mentally and it made everything that much harder. I have starte taking care of myself now and I feel worlds better. A lot of it has to do with talking about how I am feeling which I would also encourage you to do. I'm thinking about you!

 

Thank you, as always, Eleven! And woah! 53 days! That's freaking aweeeessssooome!

Well, I'm officially sick. I have my first final exam tomorrow and I am sick. Oh well, powering through it. I had class this morning and then work, had to leave early to get the cat to the vet and then had to rush home to meet Haggis' family for dinner. I sound horrible and feel pretty rotten too but enough complaining about that.

Haggis got sent P to his inbox today and it has had me freaked out since I found out but he said it didn't tempt him so I will have to take his word for it. I guess its all in all been a pretty blah day but I think that has a lot to do with how busy I am and that I got sick on top of it. Neither of us journaled yesterday because we were at one of my friends houses until late so we came home and went to bed. He had some ED yesterday but I really am not giving the poor guy a break so I get it. It bothered him again though and honestly, I'm still trying to not let it bother me because I know I still have a bit of resentment built up from the whole thing. I try to not let that emotion bubble up though. I do not like emotions such as resentment coming up in me. I feel it is a lot like holding a grudge and I don't like to do that. Once a problem is SOLVED I think you should do your best to let it go. I guess my brain is saying to give it a bit more time before I call the problem "solved".

I feel he has been quiet again the past couple of days. I'm not trying to bring it up real often though. We went to my friends house yesterday and there were about 10-15 people or so there. Haggis knew a few of them but didn't really talk or anything.. I guess he felt obligated to go with me. I don't know.. I read into stuff too much. Point being, he has been quiet and most of the time the quietness doesn't bother me but sometimes it does.

Everything seems bigger than it really is because I am sick so I should probably stop rambling. I am still very proud of him and he didn't do anything wrong today for me to be so negative. It wasn't his fault that he got sent that picture today and he said he was strong and that he didn't get excited by it. I love him and will trust him. I hope he really does know how much I love him. I complain to him a lot or what I feel to be a lot and I don't know if he fully grasps just how much I love him. I just want him to be happy and I want to be happy. I know we can be happy together.

Should probably go brush up on my Nutrition study guide so I can be fully prepared for tomorrow!

Stay Strong Everyone!

 

Still sick today.. had my first final exam today, the rest are next week. The final went okay minus the ugly looks from people when I sneezed or coughed :/ Oh well, I had to be there. Took our kitty to the vet for the 4th day in a row and had to have him hospitalized. There is a chance we may have to have him put to sleep (he is only 15 months old). This is hitting Haggis very hard, I love this cat very much too but I am in the veterinary field so I know these kind of things happen so I guess I was a little more prepared.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS------------------Other than the kitty situation and me being sick, everything is moving along. We had a nice morning "session" (ew even though I'm sick.. hah) and I think that started both of our days off nicely. I am enjoying sex a lot more now, I don't feel like I am "forcing" it anymore. I also don't feel as self conscious to have him see me naked which is a nice change. He likes to try a lot of different positions and a lot of them have me in some strange positions so I would definitely feel too exposed in the past but now I just roll with it. If he didn't like the way it looked, he wouldn't ask me to get in that position in the first place.

Our house is pretty grim right now because of the decision we may have to make about our kitty but we will be here for each other and Haggis says he is feeling very strong. This tragedy in the past would have caused him to look to porn to solve his sadness but now I hope he turns to me.

Sorry about the depressing posts, I'm sure the good ones will be back soon.

 

Yay! It's Friday! Our kitty is still in the hospital (we still don't fully know what is wrong with him) and we had a very emotional day knowing the possibility that he could be dying. We got some cautiously optimistic news today so we'll see Got everything done today that I needed to and I will sit down tonight and paint 2 canvases for the wonderful doctors that are working on our boy.

It was an overall good day. A couple stupid thoughts poked into my head for a little while but it's getting easier to push them out. I am very pleased with how things continue to go. I have been 93 days with nothing but water, my original goal was 90 days and I said on my 90th day I would have a glass of orange juice. Well I didn't want to break my streak so I haven't. I would actually really like a glass of wine. Honestly any alcohol. haha. But who knows, maybe I'll let myself splurge one night soon. I continue to heal and Haggis continues to amaze me. He really truly (at his true self) is a hell of a guy. He is so funny and sweet and tender and goodness he is smart this I have known all along- I always have to ask him what words mean that he uses in sentences. Hhaha or I'm just that dumb...either way, to me he is super duper smart. But the smartest thing he has done so far is NoFap. I wouldn't say it made him the man that he is but I think it (the NoFap community) gave him the tools to do it himself.

I made us a nice healthy dessert but still so delicious and he deserves some game time! We are getting up early to go see the kitty tomorrow and hope his fever has gone down so we can make some decisions. I will probably poke around on NoFap for a bit but I think this is all I have to say about this today!

Thank you for your continued support

PS. Tonight will be the first night in about 17 years that I will not be taking medication to help me sleep and manage my "mood disorder". I am excited and nervous, mostly because I don't know how I will sleep but it is going to be worth it. Taking medication since the age of 10, I don't feel like I've ever been able to truly be myself. All the drugs that I was on alter brain chemistry... anywho, I have been tapering off of it for a month now and last night was my last dose.

 

I broke my water streak last night. I don't know why I feel guilty about it because woah, that's a lot of water! I had 2 glasses of wine last night and am having my 3rd tonight. Tomorrow I start another 30 days of water.

I really don't have a lot to say tonight and most of it is very positive.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS------------------Saturday I woke up feeling horny... usually Haggis isn't ready for that stuff as he doesn't wake up as quickly as I do. He pleased me for about 15 minutes and stopped being hard, didn't affect either of us. I was pleased. I didn't sleep well Friday because I didn't take any medication (as I had planned) and I didn't get as much done as I would like yesterday but enjoyed a couple glasses of wine (and felt it much more after 94 days of nothing but water) and felt relaxed when I went to bed.

Haggis woke me up about 11 pm and told me that he was headed to the ER because his ear had a lot of pressure in it from water and he was going to head in. I said I would go with him, he resisted but of course I insisted, I love this man. They fixed him up and we were home by 3:30 am. We slept until about 9:30-10 am and went to breakfast and then went and saw my mom. She is a hard working nurse, and today was her first day off in 2 months. She was laying out in the sun in her very skimpy bikini. My mom is almost 55 but has a body of a 30 year old. It's very impressive. Haggis and I sat and talked to her for about an hour. At first I was a little weirded out because of how my mom looks but Haggis said he was good.

We had to clean the turtle tank today (75 gallon) and Haggis usually is very quiet and almost angry when he has to help me. Today he was the one that actually reminded me. He was not in a bad mood and was actually laughing and joking the whole time. He hasn't complained this weekend at all (except about his ear). He cleaned litter boxes and dishes tonight. He did a couple of loads of laundry yesterday and has grilled for the past 2 nights dinner. He is a wonderful man and I always knew he had it in him. No, it isn't about what he does to make me happy it is about how he feels about himself. If he feels good about himself, he will feel good about us. I am so proud of him!

 

One more thing... my husband has been on the phone (for about an hour) with my little sister (25 y/o) who is a registered nurse and one of the smartest people I know. She is having a hard time with her boyfriend... he is not living up to what she thought he would be... anyways.... Haggis just opened up to her and told her about his problem and WOW. He just opened up and the flood gates completely were opened. I hope he knows that he is making the difference in other peoples lives. She just said "Oh... yeah, I feel the same things as "Blondewife" does...." He is still talking to her and is making a huge difference as I have believed for years that she is dealing with.." Haggis, continues to amaze...

 

We got our kitty out of the hospital today! He is back home and happy.

We had a good night last night but both of us are pretty tired tonight. We will probably make it an earlyish night. I have a final exam tomorrow and then am hoping that it is sunny because I want to get some sun!

So we may be playing with fire here... Haggis and I have always taken photos of our experiences together. We stopped for a while after he told me about his problem but started taking some more again. He promised that he wouldn't look at them unless I was there. I wonder if this is a really bad idea. He says it isn't and he won't let anything screw this good thing up that we have going. Only he knows how he feels and if this is going to be bad for him. I enjoy it very much and I like looking at them together with him. If I find it is causing a problem, we will stop.

Stay strong everyone!

 

The Eleven, I appreciate you being candid with us. I would hate to see it destroy any progress we have made, so maybe we should stop. I would find it very difficult to forgive him if he let those pictures of us make him relapse. I will talk to him about it tonight.

 

Thank you Limeaid, I will talk to you a bit more about this tomorrow

I have to be up in 6 hours to go take another final exam so I will make this short for tonight. Haggis is a very brave man. He just opened up about some stuff that he doesn't even like to open up to me about. I encouraged him to open up on here and I think he is glad he did. It took some huge balls to do that and I am PROUD to call him my husband. I will post longer tomorrow. Thank you all for the continued support.

Edit: when I say I'm going to sleep because I have a final tomorrow, I should go to sleep and not poke around on nofap!

 

It's been a few days since I have posted, My final exams are over and I can finally take a deep breath.

It has not been a great day. I woke up sick to my stomach this morning (3rd day in a row). I have been mad at Haggis for no reason today. I am having severe body image issues... as a recovering bulimic (8 years clean) this worries me and also seems perfectly normal at the same time. The past couple weeks the urge has definitely been there but I'm not giving in. I have felt quite out of control today. I didn't get much sleep last night and woke up puking this morning-maybe tomorrow will be better :/

I am still very pleased with all of the progress that is being made in our relationship and am very proud of Haggis- I don't know where these thoughts are coming from.

Tomorrow we will go get some sun (weather permitting).

I love my husband and these feelings are temporary.

 

Marise- Thank you for your reply. I am sorry to hear what you are going through with the eating disorder, it's rough. I think some of this stuff between Haggis and I is what has made me start contemplating it again but i refuse to give in. I was never a "binger" I would eat regular portions of food but felt guilty immediately after doing it (and I hate feeling full- still). This was extremely unhealthy and at times caused me to have electrolyte imbalances where I would get dizzy and weak. It didn't help that I was also on medication that caused electrolyte imbalances... I'm a ball of mess! I wish you luck in beating this nasty disease again, you can do it. If you ever need to talk, let me know, I'm here for you.

 

Today was much better than yesterday. Much, much better We got to sleep in a couple hours today and then went to breakfast. We did some cleaning and then went to my moms and got some sun- I got to see my little brother too, that's always cool. We got home, washed my car and prepared some food for a cookout we are going to tomorrow. I still get nervous about going around other women with Haggis, especially when the ladies are a tad skanky. Oh well- he loves me and says he is over all that petty shit and being a douchebag. I believe him

We don't have any huge plans tonight. Just hanging out and relaxing.

Stay strong everyone. Some days are going to be really bad but when the good ones roll around again, you will find out it was all worth it.