Ze'ev introduction

Hi all!

I guess I'll start by saying that I do feel a bit strange posting here. I've had a very up-and-down relationship with porn, masturbation and sexuality in general, so wrestling with my motivations and reasons for taking this step is a process I'm still coming to (slowly) more fully understand.

I'm probably going to ramble a lot, so I apologize in advance.
I'm a college student, about halfway through my college career (give or take). I've been masturbating in some way, shape or form for almost as long as I can remember, but I discovered porn probably some time around the age of 14. I was raised in a relatively devout Evangelical Christian household. My grandfather on my mother's side used to be a preacher, and my other grandparents are conservative (though not Fundamentalist) Baptists. I did fall away from the faith for about a year or so (probably around age 14 as well), but other than that, have been Christian all my life (more about this below).

I guess I only slowly realized what masturbation was, and what I was doing. We had rudimentary sex ed in 5th grade (which I still feel was a little early, but whatever), but masturbation was never discussed, so I never put two and two together until much later. I was walked in on by family members a couple of times, but I hadn't been looking at porn yet, and at that time I usually dry-humped, so I wasn't "found out" per se. When I was in 7th or 8th grade, I had mostly become aware of what I was doing, and felt a good deal of shame about it. At a church camp, I talked to one of my youth leaders (whom I have since fallen out of touch with) about it. At the time, I suppose I needed to let it out. I thought I was the only one, or part of a deviant smaller group of the population. My leader talked about repentance and forgiveness, and offered to be an "accountability partner". I accepted his offer, still dealing with a deep sense of shame.
It turned out that he had struggled with similar issues, but those struggles (at least in my case) hindered his compassion rather than strengthening it. He was always ready with smooth words about God's forgiveness, but they always rang false, and I sensed an underlying current of pride behind them. He was also very conservative on theology in general (KJV-only, no inter religious dating (which was rough on me because this one girl I really liked was a Neo-Pagan), etc.). My other youth leader (who was and still is my closest mentor) was more supportive, but chose to keep a certain distance (for which I am now grateful). He offered me advice on quitting, but other than that let it be.

A combination of the first youth leader's approach and general teenage questioning led me to try and find another spiritual tradition. I was drawn to Buddhism for quite awhile, as well as Hindu-inspired spiritual practices (being from a city that was a major New Age center in the 60s). I even tried Neo-Paganism for a week or so, but found I couldn't dedicate myself to a god or goddess, so I gave it up.
Around the same time that this was happening, I discovered that I had some attractions to men. Most of my porn ended up being gay porn, though there was some other stuff too. I felt doubly condemned for both masturbating and having these inclinations.
Throughout all this, my second youth leader encouraged me to find the place where I was most spiritually fulfilled, and didn't interfere with my explorations. I didn't tell him about my sexuality until much later, but he was accepting of that as well.

I had very brief talks about all of this with my family, but it tended to just kind of lapse into silence. Most of the talks were over email, as I was too ashamed to discuss it face to face. We've mostly been silent on the issue ever since. It's not perfect, but I accept things the way they are.

I eventually came back to the faith, and became a mystical Christian. I realized my problem was not in the faith itself, but in the way it had been presented to me. I explored a lot of contemplative Christian spirituality and ancient forms of prayer and practice.

All of this brings me to the last year and a half. A few months before I left for college, I "came out" to my parents as bisexual, after talking to my youth leader about it. I put the words in quotation marks because I didn't really identify with that, but felt the need to put a label on what I felt. Since then, after much thought, I rejected that label, as I now reject labels for my sexuality in general (at least in terms of the sex part). I am definitely heteroromantic, and can only see a long-term romantic relationship with a woman. Whatever else can fall where it may. I've also thought a good deal over this time period as to my religious views on masturbation. After many conversations, I've come to the conclusion that it isn't a sin in and of itself (neither is a not completely heterosexual orientation), but that it's one of this things, like alcohol, that can trip up some and not others. I've decided that it is not given to me (at least at this time) to indulge in it, and I want to quit primarily for spiritual/religious reasons. The other major development in my life is that I have decided to become an Orthodox Christian, and join the Orthodox church. I know that their views on masturbation are stricter than my own, and though we may have different religious reasoning, I want to quit so that I can stand pure and strong before my priest/spiritual father when the time comes and say that lust is not on the list of sins I have committed.

The name "Ze'ev" is Hebrew for "wolf". Hebrew has strong associations of holiness to me, and the wolf is an animal whose archetypes I resonate with and draw strength from. I recognize I'm going to need all the strength I can get, so I chose the name as a reminder.

Anyway, sorry for the long ramble (I know a lot of other people do shorter intros), but I'm looking forward to the support of this community, and I appreciate you taking your time to listen to a young wolf who still has a long way to go.

Blessings,
Ze'ev.