Yup... Guess it's me too

It's been a long time coming... And could really use some support or just someone to talk to that gets it.

For a long time I didn't think anything about it. I have been in recovery from alcohol addiction for 7 years which has been my main focus but because of my program of recovery and the journey that comes with it, I have found that there is more to work on, and I'm finally reaching out... I fantasize about sex all the time, It started in Highschool and through collage but I told myself "that's what boys do, look at porn and wack off" (also similar to what I told myself about drinking, it's suprising the similarities). Years later and I still I want to believe that it's ok, that masterbation is a healthy thing, that it's just a stress release, that the wack off session helps take care of the fantasies, that the porn is an fun and let's me expirence the fantasy, and even if that's true for Others I can't lie to my self any longer that it's ok for me, I don't seem to be able to have a healthy relationship with sex. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for the last year-an-some-change and the first time I have been in a serious relationship. I have slowly let her in but I sturggle with intamacy and finding her arrousing... I figured that it just was because she didn't fit my ideal... But my ideal isn't real, it's a fantasy! I am in day 1 no masterbation and day 10 no porn. I want to be a good man, I want to be a good boyfriend, and I want to not live in shame anymore.

 

Preciate that brotha!

Thank you for the warm welcome and what you said is very true! I will continue to reach out to learn, gain strength, and give back when/how a can. Wish you all the strength in your journey also.

 

Yo Mike!

Thanks for the message! Nice to know Im not alone and how you feel the same! I get it man and I will say that I have allot of hope that knocking off the porn and wankin-it will help rebuild the intimacy or at the very least allow me to feel like I gave everything I could to make it work, and faith that i am better suited to meet the next one. I will also say that I just got off the phone with the Lady where I spilled the beans and found that she was supportive... cant tell you how hard it was sacking up and coming clean but I feel better having done it. I have picked up one or two things in my recovery but one that has always stuck out to me is knowing that without a doubt our secrets are our worst enemy. By no means telling you that you should do the same, just sharing what ive done, and most importantly thanking you for sharing what you have!

 

S.K. I am currently addressing things with my sponsor and potentially working the 12 steps around it... I agree it could be very beneficial.