year three on the mountain

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Applehead, Dec 24, 2017.

  1. Applehead

    Applehead Fapstronaut

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    Day 31: I have decided to make another journal to keep up the trend of one journal per year. My old journal is year two on the mountain and the one before that is back on the mountain.

    Things continue to go pretty smoothly. I spoke more with the wife about family issues and felt better again after the conversation. Sometimes I feel that accepting things takes time, and there is no way around that time. I guess that is pretty obvious but at times can feel doom-y, as if there is no way oh but to wait.

    PMO goes well still and I am into the next 30 days. I began my previous journal at 302 days and this one at 31 days but although the number is lower in some ways I am further.

    Urge level as of writing: 1/10

    Yesterday’s mood score: 5/10
     
  2. Applehead

    Applehead Fapstronaut

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    Day 32: PMO seems to still be going well although there was a huge urge to fantasize in the middle of the night. In other words there was a temptation to play back some kinds of porn scenes in my head. It is probably due to the fact that I am inexplicably sick yet again. This is extremely frustrating because I feel that I cannot work out or do anything but lay around. I have found that sudafed seems to help but also alters my state of consciousness a bit.

    Mrs apple and I also had a fight because I was upset with the way she was talking to me. I try very hard to sit back and not say anything when I feel she is being disrespectful but at times (perhaps now that I am sick) it is very hard to just let it go.

    Urge level as of writing: 2/10

    Yesterday’s mood score: 4/10
     
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  3. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    Glad you started Year 3, my friend! Welcome to the new life. Glad you have this 2018 thread :)

    One of my arguments lately (not exactly a "fight" in my case) with raised voices and such was me complaining about being interrupted in front of kids. We weren't really getting along Christmas Eve night as putting out presents and chores wore down on patience. Well, *I* wasn't getting along with her. I apologized. She's a gem and let's me.

    Why are so many of us ill right now?! I think it's stress and then the downtime makes it catch up.. madness.

    There was a conversation recently with a teen about what the word "brooding" means. I had that problem since being a teen, as well. My wife makes me happy. But, life does lull the doom-y back out more often than I like.
     
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  4. Applehead

    Applehead Fapstronaut

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    Day 33: Drove all day and now there is no time for a serious update. I should just record that there were many urges today while driving, and I think it was due to the fight with Mrs. Apple. Once we made up, the urges got better.

    Urge level as of writing: 3/10

    Yesterday's mood score: 3/10
     
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  5. Applehead

    Applehead Fapstronaut

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    Day 34: getting ready for a big day of driving. At least while driving and vacationing I am taking a break from work.

    After making up with Mrs. Apple last night I felt better and, as I mentioned, the urges were much smaller. This indicates that the urge to fantasize really was related to getting in a fight. I guess it is clear anyway that PMO is really an escape mechanism.

    I found an app on my phone which shows me news. After looking at it for a few minutes it was clear that I was just looking for news that would include any racy pictures, so I went to bed. It is quite annoying how sneaky the addict can be.

    I am feeling happy to be coming up on 5 weeks but also worried about the possibility of stumbling. I should really just get it out of my head. I have started to try to do some Collins-style dialogue with the addict in times of trouble. This has been pretty helpful.

    @vxlccm thanks for the comments! I do certainly brood quite a bit, as long as I am understanding that correctly. According to the book Hold Me Tight, it seems it is a reaction to feeling distant from the partner. This feels correct in my case but it is not the best reaction for me.

    Urge level as of writing: 2/10

    Yesterday’s mood score: 4/10
     
  6. Applehead

    Applehead Fapstronaut

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    Day 35: today is five weeks. The urges have died down a little and I am feeling better. I can’t help but think it is related to my dialogues, Collins style. I will try to elaborate on this later.

    I am still on travels and am getting more healthy. I finally worked out, and it felt nice. I started reading do androids dream of electric sheep, and it is good so far.

    Urge level as of writing: 2/10

    Yesterday’s mood score: 5/10
     
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  7. I Am that I Am

    I Am that I Am Fapstronaut

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    FUJI OR RED DELICIOUS!
     
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  8. Stopitjack

    Stopitjack Fapstronaut

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    Hi Apple - Hope all is well. Nice going of the 35. I am glad you are feeling better.
    Cheers
    Jack
     
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  9. Applehead

    Applehead Fapstronaut

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    Day 36: No time tonight, and we will be driving all day tomorrow to go home. PMO is going well despite having tons of PMO dreams last night. I am feeling pretty steady and good. More tomorrow!

    Urge level as of writing: 1/10

    Yesterday's mood score: 7/10
     
  10. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

    Ever find a way to alter dreams? I don't mean within, necessarily. Dreams are different for me, intensity and types depending on what I eat and how late I stay up.. just for example. Earlier this year, my dreams were unsettling, seem to have simmered down now which is a nice reprieve. Deeper sleep from exercise might be a thing, too.
     
  11. Applehead

    Applehead Fapstronaut

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    Day 37: another quick update as we drove all day. PMO is going well and I will say more tomorrow.

    Urge level as of writing: 1/10

    Yesterday’s mood score: 5/10
     
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  12. Applehead

    Applehead Fapstronaut

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    Day 38: I am coming up on 40 days, or close to 6 weeks. I remember several years ago I went 6 weeks without PMO and when I did it again I felt like I almost forgot about the hidden world out there. This time there have been no violations, fortunately, and I have been relatively calm. There was a rough patch several days ago when I was tempted to fantasize, but I am feeling better now.

    We returned from our trip and are getting used to normal life again. There was a decent amount of arguing on the trip, and this was due to family issues. Every time we see family, there is a lot of arguing leading up to the trip and then the trip is usually good. It goes to show that most of what we are afraid of is just in our minds.

    I am feeling pretty good, and a lot of the anxiety I had over the last few days is better. Hopefully this means smooth sailing for a little while, as far as PMO is concerned.

    @I Am that I Am good name! I usually eat Fuji, and there are some good variants around where I live that I enjoy. I try to eat an apple each day.

    @Stopitjack congrats on your long distance from the drug! Thanks also for the encouragement!

    @vxlccm this is a good question about dreams. A while ago I was having lucid dreams all the time. I find that I dream about PMO the more I fantasize. If I go to bed and think primarily about history, music, and other things, then there is usually a small chance of PMO dreams. On the other hand if I am tempted to think about women, then I will have a higher chance of PMO dreams. I wonder if we will ever figure out what is going on in and with dreams.

    Urge level as of writing: 1/10

    Yesterday's mood score: 7/10
     
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  13. Applehead

    Applehead Fapstronaut

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    Day 39: no PMO dreams or issues last night. A couple times I thought ``should I think about sexual stuff?'' Then I thought that there is no point.

    I am back and trying to rest up before work starts again. I am feeling pretty good overall and listening to great music. I need to get back to watching Mark Queppet; I will try to do this later.

    Not much to say now. Keep up the fight everyone!

    Urge level as of writing: 1/10

    Yesterday's mood score: 7/10
     
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  14. Applehead

    Applehead Fapstronaut

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    Day 40: coming up on 6 weeks. I am back at work now and put a couch in my office. Now I can work in comfort.

    I had some urges last night in the middle of the night. I think these were accompanied by PMO dreams. I have successfully avoided searching for any triggers since the beginning of this run, and I will not cave in now!

    I am feeling pretty good, and things are going well with Mrs. Apple. We have been playful, and this is nice. I was feeling very overwhelmed a month ago, but I think having a long break (which included a lot of driving) has helped to calm me.

    I am watching Mark Queppet's video on barriers to relapse. He is talking about setting up rules to break our standard patterns that lead to PMO. For instance, he says that if surfing the internet leads to relapse typically, you should set a time limit, and avoid random clicking. This will keep you from going into autopilot. I have really found this to be true: when I go into autopilot, it typically does not lead to anything good. Another good idea he has is to set up a safe place for computer use, like at a kitchen table.

    I had a friend who realized he had a porn problem and replaced his bedroom door with a glass door. I wonder what ever happened to him, and whether this worked.

    Urge level as of writing: 2/10

    Yesterday's mood score: 7/10
     
  15. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    He was caught masturbating, and subsequently arrested. ;)

    I'm curious about the PMO dreams that you mention quite frequently. Do you mean they are actually dreams about porn/masturbating, or do you mean they are dreams that have sex or something sexual in them?
     
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  16. Applehead

    Applehead Fapstronaut

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    Day 41: I am writing this in part to recognize that I feel that I am on the verge of going downhill, and I am going to turn the ship around. Last night, again, in the middle of the night, I started to fantasize about porn scenes. Then during the day today I had a strong urge to fantasize and did for a few minutes. Fortunately I did not go to the computer or look at anything bad. However, the signs are clear --- this is always where the relapse or bad behavior starts.

    There are two main questions: (a) what is the reason for this temptation to fantasize and (b) what to do about it? As for (b), I have started inundating myself with Mark Queppet videos again. It has been quite useful for reminding me once again that porn and fantasy are both escape behaviors, and that part of me is trying to run away, instead of facing my problems. As Mark says, if you have a porn problem, you are in a prison. The only way to get out is to get stronger, saying no to the urges, until you can break out. Fortunately, as we have discussed, it gets easier to say no as time goes on. As evidence for this, I am at 41 days without any Psubs or PMO, and this is progress, since my last 200+ run included Psub problems every 30 or so days. Also when I am actively redirecting, I notice that after a couple of days, the thoughts of porn do not plague me so much. The problem in the moment is that the fantasy and porn thoughts seem like something good, but in reality they only bring me back to the prison.

    As for question (a), what is the reason for this temptation, I think it is once again frustration with my lack of desire to have true intimacy. It is so much easier just to look at pixels on a screen. However, if I do that, I am essentially living a sad solitary life. I imagine it a little like walking into a room and seeing a person (maybe in some dystopian future) hooked up to a machine with a button, and each time they press this button, they get a jolt of happiness. As far as we can tell, this machine is not ``reality,'' in the same way in which reality is. So it is an escape mechanism, and a way to get away from real life. Anyway I think I am trying to flee from my feelings of discomfort centered around intimacy. (Let me remark that I did not even know I had these problems until embarking on this quest.) When I think about having real sex and, say, looking at Mrs. Apple in the face, I feel extremely squeamish, and want to crawl back inside myself.

    What will I do about it? I think a good step is to try to give Mrs. Apple a massage. I mentioned this last night and she was amenable to it. So I will try this tonight. It will be my first step away from the fantasy, and toward intimacy.

    As a side note, I remember that a therapist in the past, after I told them that I looked at porn every day, recommended that my wife and I try some kind of rubbing with oils. I immediately thought ``there is no way I will do that.'' As time goes on, I guess we have to face our problems and step out of the comfort zone.

    Anyway I feel somewhat better and less on edge after having watched some Queppet and having written about my problems here.

    @Strength And Light thanks for the comments! The dreams that I mention kind of range all over the place. Sometimes they are sex dream with people (and sometimes including Mrs. Apple), and other times they are more porn-like. It is rare that I dream about actually doing a PMO, but the way PMO figures in is more strange and confused. For instance I may be sort of half-in and half-out of a porn movie. I mean that maybe I will watch one in my dream and then become part of it for a while. I do not think I had PMO dreams last night, but I will try to remember what type they are next time.

    Urge level as of writing: 3/10

    Yesterday's mood score: 7/10
     
  17. Shykneeb

    Shykneeb Fapstronaut

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    Hey Mr. Apple. I've found your writing a real comfort and inspiration. Never forget that although writing your experiences helps you, it has also helped me. Your journey strengthens me and I really appreciate your thoughtful posts. Keep it up brotha!
     
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  18. Applehead

    Applehead Fapstronaut

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    Day 42: today is six weeks and things went well today. I will ha e to update more tomorrow because I forgot to today.

    @Shykneeb thanks for the support! I am glad that my writing has been helpful for you. I looked at your journal and am really interested in your journey. I will be following and wish you the best. Great work so far!

    Urge level as of writing: 1/10

    Yesterday’s mood score: 5/10
     
  19. Applehead

    Applehead Fapstronaut

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    Day 43: I have had to stay home from work, but it is ok since Mrs. Apple is here too, and we are hanging out. Things seem to be going pretty well. I am listening a lot to Lohengrin and really liking it.

    I met with the therpist for a while yesterday. We spoke about fights with Mrs. Apple and what I can do in the moment. She gave some suggestions that I will try.

    We had sex last night, and it was the first time in a while. I seem to have slipped back into my old habits of being more hidden, and detaching myself from the experience. There were P images that tried to make their way into my head but I resisted. I am still quite frustrated that I confuse sex with maybe what is called lust. I wonder if I will ever get better at that.

    Urge level as of writing: 2/10

    Yesterday's mood score: 7/10
     
  20. Sam_ba

    Sam_ba Fapstronaut

    Congrats for one more day towards Mrs Apple.
    It is interesting how you seem to enjoy music very easily but struggle to enjoy the relationship.(escape?)
    There was a method that @ILoathePwife said they used every night for a time to connect with her SO : FANOS? Would you be willing to try?

    Stay strong we do this together
     

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