Writing instead of obsessing

This is my 4th post since joining the site after discovering my husbands PA. I don't have anyone to talk to as my family live in another country and we've only lived here a few months. I need to write this as I have a quiet half an hour and I need to stop obsessively reading his emails and data. Its literally making me sick to keep doing this. I'm gradually deleting all the evidence. Most of the details I have found out and not been told, including the recent revelation of real life hook-ups. I'm going to go into details so I think I should warn POSSIBLE TRIGGER ahead. My husbands porn obsession is a Female Body Builder fetish. Id say 98% of the material I have found has included very little PIV or sexual acts. Its mostly just extremely muscly women flexing their enormous muscles. All the websites he was paying for were all the same thing, not actual sexual acts, just webcams of them flexing and posing. My husband has spent at least a thousand dollars a month on these webcam subscriptions. Then I discovered his real life hook-ups (email trails) for something called muscle worship. My husband has paid at least $400 an hour to meet female body builders in hotel rooms and masturbate while they flexed and posed for him. He swears to me there was never any PIV, they never actually touched him, he was allowed to touch their muscles and some allowed him to masturbate.
I guess the fact that (he says) he didn't have actual sex, or even kiss them makes it slightly easier separate his fetish from our intimacy. But at the same time I'm constantly terrified that the next revelation or discovery will bring these details. so much so that I'm really struggling to get a handle on how I cope. I think about it and then I suddenly feel like I can't breathe. Or I actually throw up. Or cry and can't stop.
Given that He has done a lot of lying about his PA I visited my doctor on Monday and had a full barrage of STD/aids tests. It was incredible traumatic for me, I hate internal exams because they give me flashbacks of being pregnant and losing my twins in an ED department and having to gave an emergency internal exam and scrape with just a curtain around a cubicle for privacy. It was painful and I cried the whole time. The doctor also prescribed a sedative to help with the barrage of emotions. I finally slept last night for the first time in weeks. Now I just have to concentrate on eating a meal without throwing it up.
I'm hoping to get the test results in the next day or 2, and when I go for them my doctor is going to do me a mental health plan which should include a referral to a psychologist. I'm hoping to get some coping strategies to stop me going over the details in my head in a loop.
My husband is clearly devastated (finally) about what his addiction has done to me. I don't want him to be so upset but given the last 6 years or so he has been an angry and not caring person its a relief to finally see that if he's upset because I'm hurting, then maybe he does love me. Instead of the indifference he has shown for so many years.
What a horribly personal disease this is. I guess all addictions are bad but I'm thinking that gambling wouldn't have the same affect on the partners self esteem and emotional safety (for want of a better way of explaining it). Of course I'm sure the SOs of a GA would beg to differ but I can't help but think this way.

 

I missed this reply. Thanks! It definitely is Trauma. My psychologist is okay, I've seen her twice. But honestly it's pretty evident she doesn't have any experience with sex addiction at all. The advice she gave me for the panic attacks is the same as what I'd been given on here. But, it is awesome to have someone to talk to about all this. I mean she is literally paid to listen to me whinge. And I'm British, it's what I do best

 

I appreciate it but I'm in rural Australia. My husband has to drive over an hour to see the only sex addict psychologist we could find. The resources here are pretty slim pickings unfortunately.

 

Thanks. The one my husband drives to is a major city! The closest to us. Unfortunately I have to go with the centre my doctor referred me to, or I wouldn't be covered with my health plan. I've suggested finding an online appointment to my husband for his, as he pays out of pocket, but for now he is happy with her so I don't want to rock the boat. But it may be an option if this doesn't work out. Appreciate your input