Worries...

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Butterfly1988, Apr 1, 2019.

  1. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Hi friends.

    I am reaching out because some new worries have crept up and I need support.

    My SO has been clean from PMO for 257 days. I am proud of him and still healing myself. Our relationship is also still healing.

    January was tough for him. Not in terms of PMO, but because he was let go from his job and was struggling to find one.

    Thankfully, our prayers came true and he got hired on Friday!

    This new job, although a blessing to us, brings a lot of new worries with trust issues. During his unemployment, he had 0 access to P. His phone is blocked and monitored by me, he had no computer, and our TV is blocked and monitored by me. With this new job, he will not only be getting a computer, but he will have his own office as well. He will be working in a school and I don’t think he will get much down time or alone time, but there is always the risk. This computer can’t be blocked since it’s through the school and I am not an administrator and he could always go in private and/or delete his history. Also, I am worried about his new coworkers.

    Any advice?
     
  2. de severn

    de severn Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

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    I should follow my own advice but the best thing to do is be social, stay outside when you’re feeling worried, and try not to obsess over it. If he gets caught, you’ll know for sure. Deal with it then.

    Anxiety wears you out and makes you miserable, weak, and undesirable to be around. Trust me, I can relate. I fear that the more you hound an addict, the more they feel entitled to do anything behind the warden’s back so to speak.

    It’s easier said than done but try to rest easy and work on empowering yourself. Save money, work out, make goals, and be the you that you want to be. Screw worrying about a jerk jerking off. Like I said, easier said than done.
     
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  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Very well written, sad as it is, those are the facts.
     
  4. john1780

    john1780 Fapstronaut

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    you shouldt call him a jerk just because hes a pmo addict...
     
  5. de severn

    de severn Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

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    You’re right. I take that back. I’m only projecting my own addiction. I am the addict in my relationship and it does make me a jerk. A selfish, deceptive, moodswinging, unpredictable jerk.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  6. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Computers at schools are typically monitored heavily by their own IT, so I think that would be one of the safer machines he could be using.

    As for me, I have made a commitment to my wife that I will not regularly operate any electronic device that does not have accountability software installed on it, including work machines. As a long-time addict, I do not trust myself around electronics, and I do not ever want to go back. So, there is a price to pay to stay clean. It is a very small price to pay.
     
  7. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Way ta go for realizing and placing boundaries on yourself. Keep the faith...you can do it.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    They aren't. This is one of the places my husband fed his addiction when he could no longer do it at home.
     
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  9. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    I am surprised to learn this. Just goes to show you, vigilance must be maintained all the time.
     
  10. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    I think it must vary from place to place. My old school IT rep told me that he saw everything anyone did on the computers, even at home. And the in private browsing had a disclosure expressing that the school was able to view anything.

    Here’s hoping!

    My SO says he cannot risk getting fired after being unemployed for 4 months, so I’m hoping that, along with wanting to continue being P free for another 260 days+ will be motivation enough!
     
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  11. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Oh, the IT people can view everything, but that doesn't mean that they do. Everything can be reviewed at any time. But it's pretty much impossible to review every site that every person looks at every single day. And we all know that addicts are experts at knowing how to get around filters and keywords so red flags wouldn't necessarily be sent to the IT for review either.

    Before my husband was in recovery he acted out in a school he worked at (he was not a teacher) and also the college he was attending for his advanced degree. He was never flagged at either place.
     
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  12. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Damn. That’s hard to hear. I definitely will NOT share this information with him, lol.

    Like I said, I’m hoping maintaining his sobriety, his relationship, and his job are all reason enough to stay clean or at the very least stay honest with himself and me.

    He said he would come up with a list of agreements to help put me at ease, such as not working alone/with the door closed and not taking the computer home.
     
  13. When someone gets to the point that they’re willing to do whatever it takes to stay clean, they will figure out whatever they have to to police themselves or avoid triggers they are familiar with.
     
  14. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Sometimes they DO look, though. Maybe supervisors are vigilant, or maybe some addicts are too arrogant and think they can't be caught. My husband was dismissed from one job for porn use, which you'd think would be enough. But then it happened AGAIN at another job a couple of years later. In neither case did I know the reason for his dismissal. I found out during one of our revelation sessions.
     
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  15. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    This is true. An active addict either thinks they wont get caught or will find ways around safeguards. Or both. Someone committed to recovery will use those safeguards to aid in their recovery, not look at them as obstacles to get to their fix.
     
  16. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Wow. Thank you for sharing @Susannah that must’ve been a tough time for you both. I hope you are recovering well, I know it has been tough for me to heal, so I am here as support if needed.

    I shared this with my SO and he said that the time that he just passed being unemployed was the worst time of his life (he has been working since he was 14) and he never wants to return to a place where he cannot provide for himself.

    Sometimes we need to make our own mistakes to learn, but I’m hoping he can learn from the mistakes of others here.
     

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