Women why do you care if your partner likes PMO. In which way it hurts you not him?

My husband treats me differently when he PMOs because I can't live up to what he sees in the videos, no woman can. He also never wants to be intimate with me and even has problems getting and keeping an erection.

 

For us, it affected every aspect of our relationship and our family in general. For ten years of our relationship he was emotionally detached and sexually frigid. As a result I became depressed, anxious and frustrated, and my inability to connect with him affected my relationship with the kids too. It affected my relationship with myself. I lost all motivation, confidence or faith. He also blamed me a lot for the lack of sex (I was too pushy, my libido was too high, I was too demanding, I put pressure on him, I wasn't creative enough). I think I can't even describe the extent of damage it did.

 

Because most men who PMO can’t perform in bed, they desire porn instead of sex with the partner. My ex had delayed ejaculation, he could only reach O with his own hand, eyes closed while he replayed porn in his head while I was right there! It made me feel unattractive, unwanted, disgusting, sexually frustrated, like I was bad in bed. He turned me down for sex. Then the lies oh the lies about how he will stop, or how he has stopped, how he just has low testosterone or low drive, he maybe needs a bill. The ogling of other women in front of you, passing judgment on your body, telling you you have gained weight when you have not. Blaming you for his ED or DE. Lack of intimacy, no connection no kissing no touching no eye contact. Too embarrassed to tell your friends or family, suffer alone, think they will blame you and many do. Counselors tell you to dress sexier etc. shall I go on?

 

Your question presupposes that a husband being harmed is not intrinsically injurious to his wife. You have not proven that presupposition. And for good reason: it's false.

 

Because as women we are socialised from birth to put the needs of men before ourselves, anything about that you want clearing up don't be afraid to ask.

 

One word. Betrayal.

 

When I read the old fashioned wedding vows ...

and ask myself where masturbating to porn fits alongside "with my body I thee worship" it seems clear @EyesWideOpen is right, it is a betrayal.

For my wife it was one of the times she had her understanding of love shattered. For her love meant that I would only need sex with her. When I reached outside our relationship to use porn her understanding of love and her belief in what love meant to me was destroyed.

 

This is an excellent point.

 

Right on not just the man but everyone else and women who don’t are called selfish by society. I used to say in my past relationship that I was thinking about him and he was thinking about him so no one was thinking about me!

 

I think you are misinterpreting what Allan is saying. Because what he is saying is spot on. Anyone who is in a relationship with an addict is hurting. If one partner is sick it effects the other negatively. I don’t think he’s being selfish rather he’s just pointing out that without hearing any of the specifics of how the partner is hurting One can know the partner of an addict is in pain.

 

Exactly. Even if the partner of the addict is not suffering in any secondary way (say a super high functioning alcoholic who makes good money day trading online, only drinks during the work day when he's home alone, is sober before his wife gets home, and no ill effects of the drinking present themselves when sober. Maybe does not exist in the real world but the point is if my wife is hurting that hurts me all by itself.)

 

Even asking this question is gaslighting, I am astounded you have been let off the hook and had it explained to you as gently as you have tbh. I find the idea that women's mental health is so abused by men, from the actresses to the abandoned partners (and children) and you could ask this. It shows a huge disparity between how the sexes view this modern disease.

 

The point is that he is not doing it only to himself, he does it to the relationship, it is not just the man's body or his abilities that are affected, everything he does reflects on the couple. See it is not about putting a man in the center, or putting a woman in the center, it is about walking together side by side with trust, with love and ability to build and support each other. Once the trust is broken, all the rest starts to shake. The whole foundation of the relationship starts to shake and the pieces start to crumble. It is much more than :"it is my body and if I want to do it to myself why do you care".

 

And any future relationship they go on to have

 

I concur as a S.O!

 

It hurts deeply when your SO prefers to get off watching porn and neglects your sexual needs. He tells you that you are the best at everything in bed, it’s the most amazing experience for him, but he says he still doesn’t want to have sex. He tells you to keep trying and maybe he will be in the mood eventually. Night after night of trying to initiate only to be rejected and the next morning he wakes up, watches porn and gets off. It destroys your self esteem and makes you feel less like a woman and more like a buddy. It absolutely obliterates any scrap of dignity or self esteem that you’ve been struggling to cling onto for this long, and makes you feel shameful for wanting to be intimate with your partner. It hurts.

 

It's extremely painful to be betrayed over and over and over again. Once is bad enough. Porn Kills Love enough said

 

Thank you. This is how PMO works in real life. It does not just impact the person doing it. Like with any obsession/addiction, everyone in the addicts life is affected adversely.