Witth success comes new problems

ssteesay I had 90 days sober from all PMO including any edging and prolonged sexual fantasies. Correct, this does include zero pausing and rewinding sex scenes in tv and films, and similar acts

So the great news about my progress is that I am sexualizing all girls way less than I was 3 months ago. Today I was doing my morning skateboard cardio and I saw a really fit jogger coming towards me, I didn’t have to look at her. I was able to stay looking away. This isn’t because I deprive myself of all sexual feelings. It’s actually the opposite. I’ve noticed I’m able to recognize a girls beauty without having this huge sexual beast take over and have me completely objectify them. So seeing a new found choice to sometimes be able to look away is a miracle!

Now this directly relates to the newest problem which is both a sign of my improvement and a glimpse into the true problems that need fixing...

I was at the supermarket yesterday and my cashier was really cute! Wait, before I get to that part of the story, let me tell you that I couldn’t find an item and had to ask someone where it was...this simple action would have been impossible 3 months ago. I would have been so consumed with fear and me internally feeling like this creepy sex crazed bridge troll lurking in the shadows... so being able to talk to a girl working there who was pretty, crack a joke, and get her help (while by mitself so no confidence in numbers etc..!!!) was a really small but profound victory showing the nofap and the work I’m doing on myself daily is paying off. I’m not cocky, just surprised!

Ok back to he cash register girl. So I flirted with her, made her laugh and smile, and left. Well, since then I have been obsessing about that interaction. And yes, I found her attractive and when I woke up I had the urge to masturbate to the memory of her (btw now that I think about it she could have been 16+ years old which is another issue all together), but it wasn’t a sexual urge really. It was the emotional urge.

I didn’t want to mastubation to her good looks, I wanted to feel comfort in these really stressful times. (My wife left me 3 months ago, my dad fainted in front of me 2 days ago and had a pacemaker put in...meanwhile my wife wasn’t at all emotionally supportive as I would have liked for a 13 year relationship...) so I was seeking the comfort from the cashier memory not the sex, of course the bottom line is there is a sexual connection to the comfort. The masturbation would have been a way for me to fantasize about the safety and emotional comfort the cashier could have provided me, hugging me, holding me, making me feel safe.

This realization that the mastubation fantasy isn’t only about sex but also about feeling comfort and safety, means that in a new found way, I was using women to make myself feel better and that isn’t honest living. To seek out someone just so I get attention and comfort means I wouldn’t be showing up to an emotional relationship with an honest effort.

I’m in no way downplaying my success. Is is incredible that I didn’t sexualize her to the degree I would have, and my mental image of her is her smile and face not her ass and tits. So huge improvement!! But, the work here is not done, and may never be. I am only on the second layer of the pealed onion. There’s more work to be done and to realize that a huge chunk of my sex addiction is related to the need to be comforted to feel whole, is a huge observation and it’s time for me to dig deeper into this.

The result will be even more of a compete person, who can emotionally and sexually show up for a partner in life, whether that’s my wife, if we work things out, ir another person.

Thanks all. For your support so far and please reach out to me if you have advice or questions about sobriety!

 

I’m going to therapy and learning CBT techniques to deal with the depression and stuff, but to be honest, I haven’t gotten very far with that.

So my newfound social skills I can attribute to my daily work and to no PMO I think.

Procrastination and discipline I’m familiar with, but when it comes to my daily practices, I’ve done them every single day so far. My current understanding is that these daily practices are keeping me sober so I can’t stop them. If I do I will relapse.

And I have zero doubts about this. 10 years of failed attempts to stay sober on my own using willpower has caused me to truly belive that I have zero chance to stay sober using my willpower.

 

Hey thanks! Not sure what you mean by “what about motivation?”

Clarify and I’ll try to respond

 

Here’s my recovery routine

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/my-current-plan-for-recovery.170857/#post-1465235

 

Oh I see. Well for the first month or so, I felt sooooo broken down from my addiction I was literally willing to do anything to stay sober! This helped fuel my willingness for the start.

After about 2 months of doing these things EVERY day, I realized it feels more like brushing teeth than a daunting routine. I just do it daily.

Recently I have have felt a bit more struggle with motivation because well my life is really hard right now and i have these tendencies to give up and isolate...been doing that for years so the urge to return to that is strong...

But I’ve found as long as I journal about my pain (sometimes it takes 5-6 hand written pages a few times per day), I eventually get back to a place of honesty and compassion for myself and the world around me. The. I follow this up by talking about it wit a friend, sometimes on here, or someone in my family.

This constant search to be better and stay sober keeps the solutions in the front of my brain.

It’s definitely a roller coaster of motivation throughout the day. I will wake up with no motivation, but do my morning practices anyway, then afterwords I feel energized; then later in the day something emotional will happen, then I’ll lose motivation, and then journal about it, then it brings me back to sanity again.

Doing this for 3 months and really being honest with myself and looking at the true reasons I feel like relapsing or obsess about sexual thoughts, has caused me to have less reactions to the bumps in the road. Where before I would fall apart at the first sign of emotional trouble.

I think I have been very serious about my recovery and have a 100% true belief that without doing this daily work I will relapse and possibly die from STDs, suicide, go to jail and be a registered person, or just live a miserable lonely life forever... so knowing my alternatives and being very clear about it has really kept me on this new path.

I really had to come to terms with the reality of my sexual past and when I do that...when I turn over every rock and look at it with honesty and stare My true self in the face... it’s very clear how sick I was, and how morally, and sometimes potentially legally I was wrong. When I get to face this head on, it truly opens my eyes to the reality of this disease and how I must stay vigilant otherwise I’ll go back to that pitiful life I was living.

Life isn’t perfect now, in fact I’m still sick, and have depression and anxiety, but I’m getting better slowly and I know and truly believe this is a marathon race not a sprint. It takes time and requires a longterm commitment on my part. Accepting this is key. For the first month I was coming to terms with this. I wanted a magic pill to fix me instantly. But when I realized the only solution is a longterm one requiring daily practice, I was able to accept the reality of my disease and the reality of my recovery. And if your honest with yourself about both of those and can accept your fate as a sex addict, the daily stuff isn’t a punishment, it’s just what you have to do to get right for the day so you can go about life living normal.

I see it similar to a diabetic. Daily Insulin monitoring, shots and monitored food intake are necessary to live. If a diabetic doesn’t do these things they get sick and might die. So they need to do daily maintenance in order to stabilize and live a regular life. All their daily work doesn’t make them live extraordinary lives, it just gets them to the normal state of living... it’s unfortunate but nonetheless true. Same for me. I have to get my head straight daily — every daily! Otherwise I will end up sick again. So with this level of true acceptance over my disease I can (most of the time so far) keep pushing forward so I have a chance to live normal.