With God against weaknesses

Hey all, I'm Redbed and I'm going to share my little story with you.
First of all - as the title says, I'm going to talk alot about God so if you feel offended or find it as boring mambo-jambo, I don't force you to read.

I was masturbating since 4 or 5. Found online porn in the age of 11. I was masturbating alot, like a few times a day, sometimes with porn but honestly, I didn't need it at all, it was just an unnecessary bonus.
Like an ordinary teenager, huh? My true story starts with the moment I decided to quit it. I was raised in an atheist family and as I was seeing spoilage, corruption and hypocrisy of catholic church, I was leaning more and more towards the belief that God's not real. It all changed suddenly. As child I was very fearful and with time I developed my courage, in that philosophical aspect if it makes a sense to you. Even I become arrogant and reckless, but it all ended one day, when I was 17, when all my demons came back to me and brought me such fear as I felt never before...
I don't know why and how it happened, maybe it has something to do with the fact I was curious about lucid dreams and esoteric world (never practiced, only listened to stories). When it happened, I decided that I really NEED God in my life, to help me with such miserable situatuation.
I had troubles with accepting him as my "father" and someone "beyond" me, but a "temporary friend" was enough to start with. And I just knew that it was only the matter of time to convert and finaly find the truth. To be honest, I felt his presence and helped me in conquering my demons. I was no longer fearful.

Later I was passively seeking my God, but it was difficult due to the spoilage of church and "believers" with tradition of religion in their hearts, not the real faith. Always loved to hear people who was able to show me even the tiniest fragment of the face of God.

When I was 19 and started the university, I needed God the most. Moved from the parents house, had friends but I still was lonely in all of that. Never had a girlfriend, was trying to meet somebody interesting and and valuable but there were two main disadventages, first - I was kinda "excentric", living in Poland I was interested in american redneck music and style, not rap, money, fashion, smartphones and other trendy stuff, so you know. It wasn't easy to find somebody with matching interests.
And secondly - I didn't know where and how to find one. I never want one with a rich sexual history, partying all the time, and it seemed that all of them are like that. So I was still staying in my masturbating bubble.

Well, when I needed God the most, something happened what's less possible than winning a lottery ticket. On the university I recognized a man from a MMO game I was playing for a while a few years ago. He wasn't even my close friend, just a "random" I somehow met. It turned out that he's the same age, same city, chosen the same university and I was able to recognize him from the skype profile picture. We met for a beer and then it also turned out he's a protestant and has all the answers about God I needed so much. So he shared with me. It was my personal miracle and I know that "things like that happens" but still, seeing how impossible was that, I considered it as a miracle. He taught me about God. He taught me that the Bible shows all the way I need to reach hapiness. I don't just NEED to follow, I need to follow it IF I want to be happy, cause every sin works like a radiactive food. It could be tasty, it could feed you, but due to the radiation, the cancer is starting to grow deep within, where you can't see.

And here the real fapstory begins. If masturbating isn't a sin, why is it destroying us? Anxiety, addiction, lacks of libido. For a little while it feels amazing, but then, deep within, we're destroying ourselves, usually not even knowing about it. I was pleasing myself every day, sometimes even a few times a day, but then decided to stop it so I could clear my mind and get closer to God.
I wasn't sure about it. There isn't said in the Bible (at least I don't know about it) that you can't please yourself. I felt the reboot was making me stronger, but still didn't know if it's necessary. Tried to meet a proper girl for me, was chatting alot online, trying to find a nice soul, not a nice face, never talking about sexual things but it never really worked. At first my attempts to reboot were miserable, usually didn't last a day or two. But I was trying again and again. When I met somebody interesting, I was rebooting but usually after a week or two I was losing it.

Each time I tried reboot, I felt clear, motivated, full of vigor and closer to God, but with each day the urge was stronger and stronger, to the moment I wasn't able to control myself. The loneliness, feeling of lost time and no progress, failed univesrity, all those things were pulling me down and brought me depression I wasn't able to fight with. And with each person I found interesting and tried my luck with... And failed, I felt more and more dead inside. And I was patiently waiting for someone to finaly heal me instead of adding another scar. My mental health was shattered. I had tens of reboots, longer or shorter. After the longest reboot that lasted a month or two, something changed in me. Can't name it, but from then I was a different person. I was able to interest women so I regained some self confidence and finally found the love of my life. She's the first one I kissed, held in my arms and could see as mine. The only trouble was (and in some way still is) that I'm not her first boy (but second) and she's not a virgin. Previously I refused some girls because they were treating a relationship as something noncommitial, but she was different and she really regreted what she did with her ex. Still, she wasn't as clear in my eyes as she should, despite the fact that the christianity is based on forgiveness. I wasn't able to do anything with it and it was like a piece of redhot coal I was holding in my hands and couldn't throw away. I was feeling bad that I was 22 years old virgin and she wasn't, despite the fact she was only 18.

We did it after 5 months of being together and I was the one who initiated it. There was alot of things going on in my head, but I think the main ones that made me speed it up were the knowledge that she's the love of my life and I don't want any other and the fact that I wanted to feel better with it. If I was clear and she was not, and she's not able to regain it, I also should be impure. That's a bad thinking and I know it. It has nothing to do with God and I have no doubt, but what happened that happened.

We're having sex since then. Sometimes more often, sometimes less. I'm still masturbating. It is hard to reboot. After meeting her, the urge is as strong as if I hadn't any reboot. I failed my university for the third time and need to find a job. Masturbating is pulling me down and sucks all of my motivation.

A few times ago I was talking on an onlne chat with a random guy who told me about nofap. Fun fact, that a few weeks earlier I watched Orange is The New Black but didn't watch the last season, in which nofap is mentioned. Maybe it's a coincidence, but it's neat to think that it was my destiny to get here, and if not one thing, then the other made me come here

Visiting this place restored my motivation for rebooting and shown me that masturbation is entirely bad and I'm not the only one who thinks that. A radiated, poisoned food. Thanks everyone, I'm starting my reboot once again from here.

 

I know she wants it as much as me and that's my plan for the future, preferably the nearest one
The strongest weakness was the question "is masturbating really a bad thing?" and seeing this forum and how masturbating affects life, finally I've got a straight answer - yes, definitely it is bad. With this knowledge my way will be muuuch easier to follow.