Wife said she's dead inside... is it all my fault?

Keep in mind that neither your recovery or her recovery will be consistent. There will be good days and bad days. It will be confusing to both of you. Right now there is no stability in your relationship. She is unsure if she can trust you. She may feel safe one day and have reservations the next day. Have compassion for the emotional roller-coaster ride she is on. Continue to be patient and have hope that things will improve. You got this!

 

AnonymousAnnaXOXO You don't know how you're helping the people here just by putting those two links in your signature. Such an inspiration.
God bless you and I hope you get an apology from your partner soon.
Love & Peace.

 

@The Peace Warrior Thank you so much for that! Honestly, NoFap, you addicts here are so nice. I am on rebootnation as well, and addicts keep attacking the partners, and saying we need to take responsibility and it's been soul crushing and infuriating, so I just want to thank any and all addicts who have been kind to me and other partners, it really means a lot.

If you want to see other links, check this post https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...-still-recovering-in-the-relationship.107395/

I posted links that I and other partners have collected over the past year that we have found helpful either to partners, to addicts, or to both. I wish all addicts who are in recovery and being honest good luck! It can be hard, but it's not impossible, so never give up fighting!

 

AnonymousAnnaXOXO Thank you very much for your effort to provide a link.
You're such a blessing Anna.
I'll check all links one by one.
Again can't thank you enough.
God bless you both(your partner as well).

 

Thank you @The Peace Warrior I guess because I've seen my fiance suffer so much I hate to think of other addicts suffering which can affect their partner to suffer more too. I hope the articles do help in one way or another, good luck!

 

I've done a lot of therapy in this addiction, and I'm well acquainted with the concept that "I'm not responsible for other people's feelings." I get it. I understand what they're trying to say.

But I also think it's incredibly dismissive of just how damaging my behavior was. I was a habitual, addicted porn user and adulterer. I was repeatedly unfaithful to the best human being I know. That caused her severe emotional pain. Am I responsible for those feelings? Damn right I am. My behavior is the only reason she experienced that pain. For me to walk around saying, "well, my therapist says I'm not responsible for anyone else's feelings, so she just needs to deal with her issues" would be total lunacy. Part of my recovery is recognizing that I am responsible for that pain, and that if I want to stop inflicting it, I need to stop the behavior.

I agree with @WifeInTheDark here, but I'd take it a step further. Instead of focusing on earning back your wife's trust and respect, focus on becoming a more trustworthy person within yourself. It may sound like I'm splitting hairs, but I think it's a really important distinction.

An addicted husband could, feasibly, earn his wife's trust back by being secretive. He could go through all the overt, external motions of recovery and sobriety, and his wife might even notice all the hard work he's doing and start to open back up to him. But if he's secretly continuing to use porn, masturbate, or act out sexually, then he won't have deserved her trust back, even if he's earned it.

So just focus on improving yourself. It may or may not lead to your wife trusting you again, but it's the best shot you've got, and it has the least chance for manipulation.

 

It's true you can't control her healing or lackthere of, but you can help for sure. By being accountable, being honest, being there emotionally and physically. I know that my fiance only now ( a year into healing) has started to work on the relationship side. I've healed mostly as a person, but healing within the context of our relationship has been slow going because I was the only one working on the relationship. If you both work on yourselves individually and work together as a couple to rebuild then that would probably "move things faster." Healing can't be rushed, but if you don't want healing to be stalled then working on yourself individually but also simultaneously trying to work on the relationship, that is one way to keep things moving forward.