wife of porn addict

Hi everyone. I joined a different forum when I found out about my husbands porn addiction. I am having a hard time with all of this. I love him deeply and we are working thru it. But its constantly on my mind. I can't think straight, in fact, I'm just copy/paste my post from the other forum bc honestly my brain hurts from thinking so much, and I wanted to post here too, for a couple of reasons, 1. because I need support and 2. to help others who are in similar situations. So here it is;

o I just found out last week that my husband of nearly 14 years has been using porn for many years of our marriage. I posted a couple replies on a thread, but thought I should make my own bc I don't want to highjack someones thread. I'm just going to copy and paste what I've put there because I am having a very hard time with this, I don't even know how to put it all into words right now. And honestly I'm really scared to post all this anyhow. I need support right now, if you have nasty comments, please have a heart, I am broken right now.

just reading the first part of your post and i so relate. I just found out my husband of nearly 14 years has been addicted to porn for years. I'm still reeling in my head, and have so many different emotions I don't know how to talk about it yet. We love each other deeply, and I actually feel like I love him even more now, I guess because he's admitted it. I always knew something was wrong, but I bought into it must be me. I made excuses. I thought I was CRAZY! I so get that feeling you are talking about.

I'm scared to talk about it. I am already convinced it's my fault. I got very sick with a chronic illness which has affected every part of my body, including hormones. I didn't want sex a lot 10 years ago, I had just had our two kids, my body was changing, and now I was dealing with a mystery illness. So he turned to porn. Fast forward a few years, I start feeling better (and btw i didn't "cut him off" we still had sex, just not alot), start feeling better and I want sex all the time. and I'm certainly not shy in the bedroom with him, or the bathroom, or living room, or basement... if you get what I mean... we seemed to have a great sex life then. He was 35ish and started having ed problems, we both started taking supplents from adult stores, stupid me, I bought into it all, thinking that it was somehow normal and ok to have to be taking pills to have sex! It got to the point where he could hardly get an erection at all, and the minute I'd touch him or he'd try to have sex with me, he'd loose what little he had. Of course this played all kinds of havoc on both our brains.

Of course that's going to happen when you're practically getting sex every night, sometimes multiple times, and you're still going and jerking it to your computer. It hurts so much, I don't understand, I can't believe how crushed I am, I thought I was over reacting, and I start researching, and I see all these stories, and I just read them and sit here and cry, I just want to reach out to all these wives and girlfriends, I know what they are feeling, and it SUCKS!

I know I'm far from perfect, and I know nobody is, and I know he is hurting. I'm just hurting so deep right now, I'm so confused, I just don't know.
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Thank you LTE, I have read some of your posts and even sent a couple of them to my husband. You seem like a very supportive person. I am having a hard time putting things into words, yet I can't seem to turn my brain off!! I can kind of accept that when I was sick and not giving him enough sex that he turned to porn, even though at my core i feel like he abandoned me when I needed him the most. WHat I am really struggling with is how he kept doing it when I was wanting sex nearly every day. I know it's because the addiction had set in, its just hard to wrap my head around it. How did it never once cross his mind that it might be hurtful to me. He knows that every male relationship I've ever had was hurtful. From my abusive father who killed himself when I was a kid, to physically abusive boyfriends. And the kind of porn, he says he just watched women masturbating. THat he imagined it was me... I think I could wrap my head around it more if it was some fantasy porn, something I couldn't give him, but no, it was just ordinary women performing an intimate act for their lovers, the relationship went south, and the guy posted it online, and my husband watched it. WHen we first were talking about it he kept saying, it's not like I did it all the time... then it came out that it was several times a week, weather he was getting sex from me or not.

I'm just so hurt and so confused. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't think straight. I love him so much, and he loves me and we both want to move forward. He's the only guy that I have ever truely reached an orgasm with, and multiple times thru the "session", and now we try to fool around, he says he doesn't want to have an orgasm right now, but he wants to pleasure me, and I can't get there. Always so close, but with me I guess there's a HUGE factor of emotional security and safety that comes with it. So then I am sad and frustrated, and angry. I want nothing more than to make love with my husband, and because he's done this we flat out can't! I feel like so much has been stolen from me, and at the same time, so much of the past now makes sense.

I'm really trying not to cry in front of him, but I go outside or for a drive, or take a shower and the tears just fall, and its not so much of a poor me cry, its a soul cry, if you know what I mean, its so deep. I feel so empty, so alone. THe illness I have, we didn't have much support from family and friends, they all think I'm just crazy I'm sure. I have late stage chronic lyme disease....you will be seeing more about it , i've been on the forefront of advocacy for years, there's thousands of us suffering. but anyhow, my mom was our ONLY real support, if we needed help physically or financially or emotionally , it was always her...well two years ago she died at the young age of 52. I was crushed of course. And now, I feel so alone. I don't know if I would have talked to her about this if she was here or not, but I don't even have the option. Empty, that's a good word. But anyhow, I have no desire to shame him, or to keep hearing how sorry he is, so I don't want to cry in front of him. He knows that he hurt me and he hurt us. I guess it will take time for my emotional wounds to heal.
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and not to mention he seems upset with me because it's all I can think about right now. I'm online researching, finding validation I am not crazy. I just found out a week ago, of course I'm extremely upset and confused! He is a genieous (sp?), very smart man, he works on computers, and hes helped family members with computer issues....usually porn related.... my dead mothers bf always had issues with his computer, hub would fix it, to find tons of porn on it, he told me about it, and he saw how I hurt for my mom! How I struggled with, do I tell her about this, or do I not...I chose not to, and I don't know if I wish I had or not. I didn't want to hurt her. I knew she was having sex issues with her bf, that he couldn't get a good erection... yes my mom and I were close, my bio dad was very abusive as was my step dad, she and I had endured many nightmares together. Of course at the time I had no idea porn could be the cause of all of it.

But now here I am , this is my life now. And its not helping the situation that he seems angry with me because I can't stop thinking about this bomb thats been dropped on me And I know what I'm thinking and feeling is normal! I thought I was over reacting, then I started reading stories like the OP and other wives and girlfriends, and it breaks my heart bc I know and feel what they are feeling, even though all our stories are a little different, the pain we feel is the same. So now the hurt is feeling like anger. Like you did this to me, to US, and you want me to just try to be normal right now? I think I'm entitled to feel how i do right now!

 

Thank you guys for the replies. Yes I love him VERY much, and no I would never rush to divorce. I do understand that he is just a human being, nobody is perfect, I am certainly no exception and I would never hold anyone to that standard. He really is my other half. We do have that soul connection. I know we will get there, it's just been a roller coaster of emotions. I mean really, my entire 35 years on this earth have been so filled with such deep hurt. There were two people in this world I thought I could trust not to hurt me, one was my mom, who died 2 years ago from a sudden battle with cancer, she was only 52, the other was my husband. I really thought he was having an affair. I KNEW SOMETHING was wrong, this was not even something that crossed my mind. He was checked out emotionally and physically (ED caused by the porn), After my mom died I had a phone affair. I have felt awful every day for the past two years. Yes he knows about it. He forgave me, so I VERY strongly for the past two years have convinced myself that everything is my fault, everything in our marriage, that here I have an increadibly loyal husband, I go out and cheat on him, I'm the total fuck up. And all of this most definitly doesn't justify my doing that, but it all does make sense now. I desperatly needed someone, somewhere to need and to want ME, my mom was gone, and my husband couldnt make love to me without having to take pills (a total mind freak to a wife), and I do believe because of the porn he wasn't fully emotionally available to me either. It's all just so messed up. I HATE that I did that to him.

But last night we had a great night. Ever since this porn issue came out, which is about a month ago now, we've been much more open, we are talking, we are being honest, he see's my posts on these sites and I'm ok with that because there's nothing I say here that I wouldn't say to his face. I was worried because I really haven't been able to have an orgasm with him since this came out (and he's the only man I've had an orgasm with), but my walls have always been so up, and with him I could let them down, I felt safe. Well last night we were so connected, it was literally like we were one being. We had sex THREE times...without him taking any pills! I get sad because I think, THIS is the connection we've been missing for TEN years because of porn and excessive masturbation... I mean we always had a good sex life, yeah he'd take the pills, but we were constantly having sex... but he was still jerking it to porn too...so yeah.

I am really not a judgemental person, and I try to see people as human beings. I try to help people when I can, and right now , I'm the one who needs help ... I look forward to getting support and giving support. Part of why I posted this is because I need support, but also becauase I know I'm not alone in this, and I want to be able to help other people in this position if I can.

Thank again I do appreciate your feedback

 

THank you Krekel. Yes it certainly does seem miserable, but we are both more committed than ever, and after the way we connected last night, I really do know that we will get there eventually. I hate the emotional ups and downs just as much as he does.... believe me its not like I wake up in the morning and say, gee I think I'll cry all day today.. it just comes. I actually thought I was over reacting, so thats when I started researching and I found that "normal" women with a fairly "normal" past react way much harsher than I have, and considering our own unique situation (as everyone's is... thats why I could never be judgemental to someone going thru this, or anything really, we all have our own journeys, we don't know the whole situation, nobody does, not even ourselves on our own journey) ok, not to get deep there, lol. But I know that it's ok that I feel the way I do, and honestly I think he should be worried if I didn't feel the way I do, if I wasn't havig the emotions I am it would mean that I didn't care.