Wife of a pmo

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by bitter taste in my mouth, Mar 14, 2018.

  1. I'm new here. I've been married for almost 28 years and I haven't found the slightest clue my husband would be dealing with pmo. I discovered that by chance and my wold as I knew collapsed on March, 4 2018.
    My first reaction was to divorce him. However he's been dealing with depression and showed me some previous notes considering suicide. He said that if I weren't with him he would give up everything.He would either kill himself or live on the street. Considering his mental state I didn't want to take the chance. Well, this is one of the reaseons. There are others, We have a daughter who has some issues with depression too. As I used to, she can't conceive the idea that her father would do such a thing. She's living abroad, by herself- a 10-hour-plane-trip from us. I really don't know what would happen with her. And besides that, I love him, I'm used to his company.
    I's been a while we don't have a sexual life. Needy as I am, I've been fighting to remaing faithfull to him, thinking it was due to his illness. So, when I found out what was going on, I couldn't believe how selfish he is.
    Actually, what drives him is seeing pictures sent by flickr and posting comments and exchanging messages with those women and even their husbands. What hurts me the most is that he kept me feeling unworthy of desire, he never complimented me on anything, but didn't save time and words to make those women feel pretty, important and desired.
    I've been trying to help him. Took him to a new psychiatrist, made him engage in an exercising program and etc. I set 60 days in my mind to help him and see what happens. He engaged in the reboot program, gave me all his devices to block internet access, said he is sorry and will change.
    I really don't know if I'll be able to forgive him. We are a very religious family and he is a minister. He kept doing his service for years as if nothing wrong was happening with him. He even councelled some people involved with pmo before. He hid this from me in such a way, that I could believe that if anyone in this relashionship would be unfaithful, that one would be me.
    As time passes, things are getting more difficult. I keep reading and reading the messages he sent. It makes me renew my anger.
    I also decided to do something that I really don't know if is of help or will the opposite. He says I used to be restricted in our sexual life. So, I've been doing som striptease exposing the parts of my body I discovered he is most attracted. To my mind, it would be a way to help him replace the images in his mind. I'm not allowing him to touch me, even tough he is more fond of seeing than touching.
    Well, here I am now, 10 days after the discovery and still not knowing what to do.
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2018
    u376 likes this.
  2. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    First off lets stop calling the women in the photos "sluts" it really disheartens me. Too much slut shaming goes on when we should be husband/addiction BLAMING.
    Secondly, you are only feeding the fire by doing the strip tease for him. He needs REAL help. Be it here on NoFap, counseling SAA meetings, etc. He needs help with his addiction.I know your anger all to well. My Dday was around 65 days ago and I still seethe with anger every day. The addiction is what makes us wives feel unworthy, unattractive and unloved. It's not your fault, none of it is.
     
  3. ukbritishbloke

    ukbritishbloke Fapstronaut

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    I'm on your side. What's he's been doing is horrible, and you're amazing a strong to want to change things for the better and keep your family together.

    No one can know, but (while agreeing with everything else she says) I disagree with @21yearsin (sorry, no offence) about the "striptease" thing. One of the things I think he needs to realise is that you're sexy and sex with you can be great. Anything you're willing to do to draw him towards you sexually and rebuild your sex life is I think fantastic, and you are very generous and to be admired for feeling able to do this for your marriage. I think taking a step towards him sexually is part of the solution you are leading him to rather than part of the problem he's caused. I'd let him touch you too if I were you, though, at least after some rebooting period. It's important over time to get away from the purely visual and towards the sensual.

    If you do too much sexually too quickly then you may well find him responding to you in a "porny" unemotional way. Not good. But if he reboots and you gradually rewire and come towards each other sexually, the experience for him of being sexually excited by you (which will come back in time) may be emotionally very strong for him and motivate him to turn away from porn more than anything else.

    You're obviously a terrific wife and mother, and I wish you strength and success.
     
  4. Your husband needs to rebuild intimacy—no more stripteasing. It may be helpful for him to see someone who specializes in sex addictions.

    SAA meetings can help too (yes, ministers, deacons, preachers among others are often in attendance).

    Read this book, both of you:
    Sex Addiction 101 by Robert Weiss
     
  5. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    I've been in this for almost 2 years, let me tell you that the strip tease isn't the best idea. I understand because I've done things too after I found out. I tried to be porn stars and give him the dirtiest kinky sex ever (even though he is quite vanilla), but I degraded myself, for what? To feed the addiction.

    Your husband needs to get sober. That means being accountable to someone, having blockers/filters, getting into therapy, and being honest not only with himself and a therapist, but with you.

    I agree, let's not slut shame. I hate those words, men already degrade us women and put us down enough, we women need to stick together. Remember, it's not the womens fault your husband has an addiction, he is soley responsible for that. But I do get why you want to blame them or are angry, trust me I've said some mean things too in the past when I first found out.

    What worries me is the suicide threat. That is highly unhealthy and manipulative. I know there is someone on here who actually witnessed their PA attempt suicide and that was highly traumatic for them.

    Do take him seriously, but he needs to get real professional help. Has he ever cut or demonstrated self-harming behaviors in the past, and has he ever attempted suicide before? Those are good things to know because that can be predictive of future behaviors if he is in an unhealthy place right now.

    Psychiatrists are great for med regiments, but therapist are the ones who can really help an individual deal with the feelings they are experiencing.

    I am not religious, but if I was and my husband was a minister and was a PMO addict, I would think I'd feel an added layer of betrayal. I can't imagine how that must feel. He also should not be counseling those with PMO addictions when he has one.

    It's the same thing with therapists, they shouldn't practice in an area that they are not over themselves. If they struggle with addiction they shouldn't be counseling addicts. It's different if they are sober and have overcome their demons, but if not it's not ethical. So maybe you can talk to your husband about that if that bothers you.

    Regarding sex, if you want to wait, by all means wait. Maybe he can do the 90 hard mode (no porn, masterbation or orgasm).

    Also beware of hysterical bonding, I did that after I found out. It's where you have sex after something that is traumatic or can tear the couple apart, and the sex is just a means to stay together during that tough time. It's not necessarily healthy. It's not the end of the world if it happens, but I didn't know why I was having sex with my husband after I found out, I just knew I wanted to "win" my husband back and I'd do anything to have him. Not healthy really.

    I hope you find support here, and good luck in your healing and I do hope your husband gets on board with quitting his addiction and getting healthy.
     
  6. 28 years of Marriage and you give the guy 60 days....
     
  7. Thanks for your concern!
     
    21yearsin likes this.
  8. Thanks a lot for your advice and sharing your experience with me!
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  9. T
    Thanks!
     
  10. Thanks a lot for your advice!
     
  11. Sorry, I don’t get what you mean.
     
  12. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    11 amazing paragraphs / friendly words of wisdom. Nicely expressed and written Anna.
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  13. Here I am again, awake in the middle of the night. It’s become a routine. I wake up and the thoughts of what happened comes to my mind and I can’t catch up on sleep again. Since I discovered what was going on with my husband, I can’t stop asking myself some questions and I never find the answers.
    Why has he restorted to porn since I never refused having sex? I admit I has never been the one to make the first move, I’ve always waited for him to come to me. On the other hand, his frequency of sex was much less than I expected. I tried to control myself and accept it. The past 3-4 years sex has become rare as the time passes, been reduced to twice a year. So, when I discovered what he was doing, I couldn’t believe.
    His involvement with porn consisted in looking at pictures of body parts. He is crazy about nipples. He says he rarely masturbated. He enjoyed seeing pictures and posting comments. By doing this he interacted with some women regularly through a Flickr account.
    What hurts me more is the fact that he spent hours and hours writing to them, very long messages, making them feel pretty, desired, powerful and never bothered looking at me to say I’m beautiful. I keep thinking and thinking, try to find something on the internet to prove me wrong, but the only answer I find is that he doesn’t love me.
    He says he’s sorry. He’s been taking all the steps to reboot. He says he’s going to be at least what he was before his addiction. He says that without me he will give up of everything.
    The problem is that I think he is doing this just because he was caught and to save our family, considering a divorce wouldn’t be convenient now. I think he likes me as a friend, otherwise wouldn’t seek porn.
    So, to sum it up, my question is: Is it possible to love and desire your wife and still get addicted to porn? What about the messages, some of them describing the fantasies of him having sex with them?
     
    u376 likes this.
  14. 21yearsin

    21yearsin Fapstronaut

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    Of course they still love and desire us, porn is a separate problem that happens to affect our relationships in a negative way. I haven't ever doubted my husbands love for me, I am disgusted by what he has done to our marriage the betrayal, the lack of thought of what he was doing that ultimately hurt our marriage. That he has destroyed my trust, my self confidence. etc.
     
  15. Elijah Cavanagh

    Elijah Cavanagh Fapstronaut

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    How do we help someone with their behaviour when it's that behaviour that hurts us the most? - Its impossible - the reason being is that we will approach helping someone with their behaviour in a way that is from our hurt of the behaviour. For example, we are hurt and we don't want to feel that anymore so we go into helping them to change. - we are working from a hurt. For true healing we need to work from a place of full-ness. Full-ness being the truth of who you are, that being that yes your husband has a behavour that is not supportive to the relationship, but that does not change that fact you you are a amazing, love-able and loving being. Make this truth your foundation and work from there. Your full-ness will support him to allow himself to drop into his own full-ness which will soon heal the unwanted behaviour because his behaviour also comes from a hurt deep within him.

    I can explain and share more if it's needed.

    With love
    Elijah.
     
  16. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    Exactly. This is why I am fighting my reboot myself with help from professional counselling. I do not hide anything from my SO. But this stuff can wait. Will tell her everything after my recovery.
     
  17. Thanks for your support. The problem is that I don’t even know myself now. My reason side says I have to help him, but my anger makes me bring him down. I hope time will help me find peace.
     
  18. Thanks again for your help. I just can’t see things this way. I can’t help feeling that if he loved me he wouldn’t have written to those women, establishing a bond with them. I hope I can find peace in time!
     
  19. Another day has passed and my anger seems to build up. My husband is in this program and so far is taking the steps to recovery. He has reported the issue to the ministers of my congregation already. He says he’s terribly sorry for what he has done. It’s been 13 days since I discovered everything.
    As for me, I believe he’s honestly seeking recovery. However I cannot see his involvement with porn as something apart. To me, if he truly loved me he wouldn’t have done that for such a long time. He wouldn’t have spent hours writing to those women , establishing some bond with them and been as cold as stone with me. I really love him. I don’t know how I can live without him. However, everything I admired in him, his virtues, strength of character just cracked. Besides that, I am ashamed of it. although just a couple of people know what happened and they are not supposed to tell anybody, I’m just withdrawing from social life. I can’t look at our friends face. It feels like people will feel sorry for me, they will see how despised I’ve been. I don’t feel like going out with him either. Life as I knew is over. The only thing that’s helping is my job. It takes my time and distracts me, even though the result is much below average considering my mental state.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  20. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I've felt/feel many of the things that you write here. I've felt these things for years and years. Way too long. But since this last DDay ( I really hate saying that, there have been too many) I see changes. I see effort on his part and we are being more open. Some of those feeling are finally beginning to fade some. Though some days they are back full force. I haven't told anyone other than our Dr and these forums. Time and openness have helped the most. But there will always be some pain I think. Always some fear and doubt. This wouldn't work for me and us if he didn't include me in his reboot and recovery. Keeping it to himself. Noway. I'd be gone, I was ready to go this time. I see doing that as selfish and cowardly. They don't want to see the pain they have caused, don't want to feel more pain as their SO grieves over the relationship they thought they had. It takes strength to go through that and be there. To sit and hear what they have caused. It would do more damage to me to not be involved.
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.

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