Wife loved the baby more than me, and I relapsed hard into porn

First, take it from someone that has been down the road you're headed, it's a super destructive pathway that will only lead to the absolute worse you, not the real you and not the you your family needs and deserves. Hopefully I can be a cautionary tale.

The second thing I'd like to say is, the title of your post is complete rubbish. I'm sorry, I'm sure I'm violating forum rules about being supportive and non-judgemental, but your wife loving your child has nothing to do with your personal addiction regardless of your sex life with her. You're using it as an excuse, a copout. Your addicted brain is lying to you; saying you need to act out for this reason or that, that it'll help your depression and make everything better. It's all a lie a lie it's probably told you for a long time. It won't help your depression, it will make it worse. It won't help with your wife or any other problem in your life. Find your truth, your essence. Fight your addict. With the right coping strategies, you can beat this before it really destroys your life.

 

How much do you spend reading success stories here?

Learn from others. How did they do it. Trying willpower by itself is a dead end.

You really need to understand your brain, pain / pleasure, motivation. Read all you can about addiction, motivation, retraining your subconscious.

And I agree with the other guy....this is your problem, not your wife's. How often do you lay there hugging your wife and baby? Porn has likely made you distant and unattractive to her. Be the man she will want to make love with.

Prove to your wife you are trying hard to figure this out, and she will hopefully forgive you.

Good luck

 

Bro. First off...you cannot, CANNOT even use the excuse "Wife loved the baby more than me" It's your fucking child, man. Really.

Obviously other things are at play here. But I would hope that BOTH of you loved your kid more than ANYTHING else in the world. How is the child needy? Bro, it LITERALLY would die without someone taking care of it. Children are the EPITOME of needy.

I'm sorry to be harsh but, get that twisted idea out of your head. You didn't relapse into porn because you had a needy child. You relapsed into porn (like all of us) for deeper, darker reasons. Because of an addiction with deeply rooted issues.

I figure the best way to be supportive in this case is to tell you to stop lying to yourself, man. With much love, but with a lot of admonishment.

I'm digging what feo said.

Once you stop lying to yourself and accept the reality of why you are doing this, then and only then, can you begin to heal. The first step is taking responsibility for your actions.

Much Love, man. Really.

 

I relapsed into porn, and my wife had to take care of our son alone.

 

So happy to read these responses. Spot on guys!

 

I'm not sure if you had a question or were if you were just throwing out a plea for help?
This forum will help you, but you need professional help NOW! You said "Alongside I've had a difficult time at work, depression, worsening relationship with my father (won't speak to me since 2 years ago) and other family who my father speaks to. Have suicidal thoughts from time to time when super anxious, but not the courage to speak to anyone."

You have way more problems than just PMO, run to a professional as quick as possible and get the help you need.

Good luck.

 

So much stuff there. You could easily fall into a deep funk until you start tackling at least some of these challenges. You need someone to talk to because you already hinted you need that. Work on resolving things that you can take care of right now. Get stuff off the plate, shorten the list of things that are getting you down. Also be aware that most men, me included, have very fragile egos and sense of pride, though we don't always care to admit it. Little things can easily crush them, often when the other person doesn't even have a clue. Above all, before getting more mentally burdened and buried, find someone who can professionally help.

 

Those are huge first steps, man.
Props.
Good Luck.

 

You mistake a wife with a mother.

 

This is a tremendous and courageous first step! Just remember, you don't have to hate and feel ashamed of you, the real person. Hate the addict and the destruction caused by your addict personality; but, remember, that isn't you. I'm by no means abdicating responsibility for anything we've done due to our addictions; we must own those actions that hurt others, but we must also find the truth within ourselves. Addiction is not truth and not our true selves. I think counseling would be extremely beneficial.

Your wife sleeping in the same room as your daughter? If so, I know that can be tough. I do agree relationships are never clear cut. There's never one easy answer to every situation. It takes a ton of hard work to make a strong and enduring relationship. Unfortunately, each partner brings their own set of issues that make that work even harder. For myself, and many here, we brought our addictions which is liking wearing a pair of roller skates to climb Mount Everest. You'll never reach the top and will keep rolling backwards. It's time to take those skates off and throw them over the cliff.

I can totally relate to what you're talking about regarding your pornography use. I didn't think it was ever a problem, either, until I got married and my wife was really bothered by it. I didn't think it affected my life negatively and would have never considered it an addiction. I never had any physical side effects and never escalated into genres of porn that were violent. Looking back, though, I can see there were times where I used porn to escape from problems and those problems became bigger problems. There were times I should've focused on more meaningful pursuits than that of lustful endeavors. More importantly, I lied to my wife for years about my use of pornography and it affected out physical relationship on an emotional level. In the end, a series of unfortunate events in my life caused me to retreat deeper into my addiction and the escalation that happened nearly ruined my life. Use this as a cautionary tale because your story seems eerily familiar to mine. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my family due to this thing. The most important thing in the world is to continue to be there for them and to be the real me and not the addict.