Why the HELL am I addicted to gay porn?!

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Eric'sBlue, Feb 20, 2015.

  1. Eric'sBlue

    Eric'sBlue Fapstronaut

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    I can't understand this. I've been all my life, well since I could masturbate I have been. I understand why - but I just don't understand how something like this could happen. And I'm loaded with issues and questions, after 15 years of this. ..
    I had no idea of "porn/sex addiction" back then. Even though I knew I wasn't, I just assumed and thought that because I watched gay porn, that meant I'm gay. That's what everybody said. That was the conscensus ..you ask it on an internet forum....that's the answer you get, even today! Even today! ...So what is the truth, here? I'm so lost and confused after hearing so many different things, how can I believe this one. I really think it's true and make sense but yea I have these feelings. Can't help it.

    And do I have to stop masturbating period?! Do I have to stop masturbating to porn, period? It makes sense to me that I could just watch some normal vanilla porn nothing to drastic or crazy, so that I wouldn't desensitize myself to normal sex and women. I've thought this as it makes "common sense" to me. And I'm tired of listening to professionals because it's clear to me they have their heads completely up their asses most of the time. Sorry but this is true. I also find that I can't do this, sometimes because I end up looking at the gay stuff again its because I think about it first ....and then I want to do it - like an itch. I do it because its taboo its forbidden, its sensuous and exciting because its so off limits. The guy is submissive. I have, I think, absolutely no gay attraction outside of this porn stuff - which made no sense to me for my whole life. Imagine how confusing and how much wreckage that's caused. Many don't have to imagine.
    I've looked at a lot of porn. But I always come back to the gay porn. I don't know why.




    What the f is going on here. Can't I just get away from all this, confusion. I like and wish my life was simpler than this.

    Thanks.
     
  2. crushurcravings

    crushurcravings Fapstronaut

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    Hi Eric'sBlue,

    To me this sounds like Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (HOCD). The way to cure that is to quit porn and masturbation cold turkey and afterwards rewire your brain to real women. HOCD has become a more and more common symptom of compulsive porn use. The fact that you've been addicted to it ever since you started with pornograpghy could be coincidental. It is conceivable to think that it was the first type of porn you were exposed to and therefore your brain has wired itself to the point where gay porn = reward. Nothing else spikes your dopamine like your childhood fantasies - regardless of how molded and twisted porn has made them.

    With regards to the actual process I would recommend 90days hardmode and then another 60-90days where you rewire with a real human being (girl/woman in this case). If you aren't a homosexual there's a good chance this will do wonders for your recovery (And there's a good chance you aren't considering only the pornography-related gay material turns you on). Just remember that escalating into something like gay porn (like any other porn) is about dopamine, shock, surprise, anticipation rather than the actual act. Your primitive brain doesn't realize that it is looking at porn - It only realizes that you're looking at something that spikes up your neurochemicals and therefore rewards you.

    The medical world has not yet accepted porn addiction/HOCD/Porn induced ED to be real so you must ignore old school doctors and their advice as they simply cannot keep up with today's High Speed Internet Porn.

    I hope this helps, take care!
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2015
  3. fire123asd

    fire123asd Fapstronaut

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  4. Eric'sBlue

    Eric'sBlue Fapstronaut

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    It does help. Thanks. This has been just such a nightmare for me. Actually - my whole life's basically been a nightmare and difficult/lost/confusing since I became thirteen. I don't know, I think I had a lot of problems that were latent and just waiting to surface. For example, OCD, social anxiety and depression, ...I feel I've always been a general oddity/quirky - but you never realize this as a kid because; well, because you're just too busy being a kid and everything's fun when you are young. Nobody tells you that you are weird or different, because they just assume you're a hyper, spastic kid. And all kids are weird. But you can't be weird as an adult - that's why many of us suffer. It's not just me, I know the whole of humanity suffers this. But, generally speaking it's easier to fit into the mold for many than it is for others. I can include myself in that latter category, unfortunately. I also have come to the general conclusion that I have latent Aspergers as well. I had been putting this off but I do think it's probably more than likely, now.

    Thank you for your advice. I don't know if I can do it. It sounds very, incredibly hard. I'm not a bad looking guy,I'm tall, built, thin and athletic, many women say that I am handsome. I'm not bad looking at all - but I've never had success with women; I just have too many issues/ too much going on, like for example, my anxiety, explosive anger problems and low frustration tolerance, and alot of depression, quirks, just a low self esteem and confidence issues. I compensate in all these crazy ways. But that's all it is, is just compensation, when you really break it down. I struggle with Body dysmorphia on top of the ocd, that in itself will wreck you. I also think I fit somewhere on the spectrum, like I've mentioned...so yea. I've got a whole ton of stuff going on for me. It's unfortunate, and to be fair I havent had the AS diagnosis yet - but I'm a fairly (highly) intelligent person, and I've pretty much put it together for myself. Could be wrong, we'll see. I just know what I suffer and struggle with, and it's a lot.

    Life was so much funner as a kid.

    I thank you for your advice, and I'll try to heed it. The double whammy of quitting porn, and THEN, then....getting a girlfriend? lol. I don't know if I can stop masturbating. I think I'll go crazy and explode or something. Is that even normal/natural? I feel like I HAVE to masturbate after a certain amount of time. You're just supposed to stop completely? Will it come out in wet dreams? Is it normal? Will I hurt myself not jo? Haha.

    Thanks for your words of encouragement.
    God bless
     
  5. FutureGuitarGod

    FutureGuitarGod Banned by User Request

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    Listen to me. Based on what you've said, I think that you are denying the notion that you possibly could be gay because you feel ashamed of it. You watch gay porn as an outlet for those repressed feelings because it's something you can easily hide. I think you should pursue the real thing so that you will know once and for all. There isn't anything wrong with being gay, bi, or whatever. We live in an age where one no longer has to be afraid to be who they are.
     
  6. Eric'sBlue

    Eric'sBlue Fapstronaut

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    I like women. I am addicted to it, somehow, that's all. I don't like that I do it. I don't even like that I look at it - I don't even want to look at it. There is no sexy/erotic feelings - this is hard to explain. I just feel desire to; a visceral automatic kind of tug. It feels very much like an addiction. Though I've never had one, I can imagine that's what it would be. (And perhaps this is one).

    I've done what you say to do. I've experimented before. Because I thought I was gay. I went through this for years in my life - and I did have HOCD for many, many years before. I've experimented and done lots of things. I can say, in all honesty and completeness - it has never ever, once, felt "right" when I did it. I always thought it would, but it doesn't. I don't know what that means. I don't want to think that I'm gay.
    I still like women, and when/if I direct my attention toward women I can be attracted to them. Of course, sometimes when I see a younger, good looking guy I wonder and sometimes I maybe have some feelings or thoughts, from what I hear that's common. It's just seeing another attractive human being that's all. But I don't want to turn it into a romantic thing. It's harder now, with all of this stuff - it gets confusing to tell. As also we all know with porn it kills your normal sex drive, so, yeah, even more confusing. I don't want to be gay. I'm extremely, extremely masculine. I'm not gay in how I act at all. Sex and sexuality is very complicated. It's hard to know how I feel about it all. If I think about it too much like I am doing now, I get confused. I have to just drop it.

    I think homosexuality is a passion and kind of urge you can give into. I know that sounds really religious but I honestly think that is how I see it working. I don't want to be gay, so how can I be? It's not what I desire for myself, it doesn't feel good to me.

    Listen, I know this porn thing is an addiction. I don't know how, I can't prove it, but I know it is. That's why I'm on here getting help for it.
     
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  7. Monster Carrot

    Monster Carrot Fapstronaut

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    So what is the issue? Just quit porn, and it will solve your problem. Not much else in terms of advice that can help you.
     
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  8. EdwardVIII

    EdwardVIII Fapstronaut

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    Eric I understand what your thinking. I consider myself a straight male who wants to have a wife and family one day. My porn addiction progressed to where I watch gay porn pretty much exclusively and thats what gets me going pmo-wise. When you started watching porn did it somehow progress into gay porn or did it just start with gay porn. One reason why I think I was attracted to gay porn is I was an obese teen and still as an adult and gay porn stars tend to be very fit and because its exclusively all male it shows just the fittest male bodies.
     
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  9. Eric'sBlue

    Eric'sBlue Fapstronaut

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    No, I did not start with gay porn. I began just as a normal teen would. I wanted to see a man and a woman having sex in a porn online. I distinctly remember that. ... and somehow after some time I progressed to "what it would be like to see two men" ..

    It did something for me, intimacy-wise... and it also stunted my growth, in relationships and - in myself. Porn has messed me up, big-time.
    Ever since this started, all kinds of bad things were happening in my life. I am not sure, but I can almost directly link it to porn.
     
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  10. EdwardVIII

    EdwardVIII Fapstronaut

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    I would say that your not gay but the need for newer things has driven you into the gay porn. If you read enough posts on here you'll see guys admitting that they realized their addiction because of the porn they were watching and never thought in a million years that it'd get them going. It's the addiction do your best to stop the PMO and see what thoughts you have. I just got done on a three day binge of gay porn but I'm gonna try again. If you are really worried about it, use it as your motivation to quit PMO! If you ever need someone to talk to message me.
     
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  11. ejohnson

    ejohnson Fapstronaut

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    Wow, all I can say is wow... Your story is so similar to mine.

    I come from a very religious background so the idea of being gay was very taboo. I have made alot of progress, but even now I have to pay close attention to where my attention lies. I don't even allow myself to read articles or watch TV shows that are gay themed. Because it seems to set my mind wandering and become the pre-cursor to a relapse. You are most definitely not alone. If you ever want to talk or need some encouragement feel free to PM me.
     
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  12. Fapoleon_Bonerfart

    Fapoleon_Bonerfart Fapstronaut

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    Hey, you watch porn excessively your sexual orientation can change, say your porn habit starts out watching scrambled Cinemax After Dark, eventually, one day, you find yourself jerking it with raw meat to people pooping on each other. It's tolerance, the normal vanilla stuff doesn't do it for you so you find crazier stuff to get you off, in this case the crazier stuff may be gay porn, could be because you feel it's more taboo. I think If you don't think you're gay (or even bisexual) you probably aren't, just don't be ashamed if you are. Just my suggestion, but start treating it like the addiction it is and take steps to quit for good. See how you are after a few months of no porn, if girls do it for you again then great! If not and guys are your thing..hey, still great! Because I bet you are going to feel a lot better regardless, and a lot of your anxiety might just go away.
     
  13. MadHatter

    MadHatter Fapstronaut

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    Completely agree! See how you react naturally!
     
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  14. jay2jay

    jay2jay Fapstronaut

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    I relate to this. However stop this crap while you can.. My watching of transexual porn has led me to a few different experiences with them in the real world. Hot as all hell, but they had a penis nonetheless. This stuff has really fucked me up. I am attracted to women, un-attracted to men, but I have engaged in some real questionable behavior over the years for various reasons. I am learning a little more about tolerance, being de-sensitized, loneliness, self-hatred. PMO is but a symptom of something deeper. At least for me it is.. So crazy.
     
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  15. takezawa1

    takezawa1 Fapstronaut

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    THANK YOU! Thank you for giving a rational repines to some of the extremist out here EricBlue
     
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  16. Judi4525

    Judi4525 New Fapstronaut

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    Hi, Eric. Very sad to read your story but porn addiction is very common in men. Nowadays, even children are addicted to internet and porn. I had a roommate when I was in Toronto few years ago. We used to stay in the hostel for more than two years. He was an addict of internet porn. I saw that he used to masturbate about 2-3 times daily. But he wasn’t addicted to gay porn. He used to consult with many therapists and finally he got escaped from the damn addiction. If I can remember correctly, he was an outpatient in the Edgewood Health Network in Toronto for few months. Also, I had few friends who got addicted to porn. This is a behavioral problem which can be controlled by yourself.
     
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  17. Illmatic

    Illmatic Fapstronaut

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    Wow I can relate to your story in many ways.

    Not sure if you still visit this forum but I would like to know how much progress you've made.
     
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  18. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    Not watching porn helps me a lot. Think of it as an addiction. There was a time when I was addiction to gay porn and read gay sex stories etc, bdsm gay porn. I would sit at the back seat of the bus and watch bdsm gay porn.

    Now it has reduced. Though i am still addicted to porn, it's not gay porn and also bdsm sort of disgusts me now. I am not a slave of it anymore.

    Though i went through many relapses.

    Finding other sources of dopamine helped. Eating healthy food, staying busy, self help videos, cold showers helped.
     
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  19. Daredevil99

    Daredevil99 Fapstronaut

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    I think like anything you're just addicted to that certain genre , I did once watch gay porn but it didn't really do it for me I had a bigger problem with transexual porn as it was taboo, and I made me think I wanted to do it in real life, you just need to give you're brain a rest from it; for me I watched so much or transexual it just doesn't turn me on as much now what used to drive me crazy. Don't stress too much about it man
     
  20. Illmatic

    Illmatic Fapstronaut

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    @Daredevil99

    How long before everything settled?
    I've been watching gay porn for over 10 years and it's really messed me up.
    I'm bi but I really want to connect with women again. I feel like it's going to take a LONG time.
    I'm nearly one month nofap but Jesus the urges and fantasies have been outrageous
     
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