Why sleeping next to a campfire in the mountains helped me with my loneliness more than anything els

There are actually only few things in life that leave a lasting mark on you. That you remember long after they happened. But they still feel like they just happened yesterday.


And there is a quote I once read that perfectly encapsulates one of these moments for me. And it still moves me every time I read it.


Mustering up the courage to face your porn addiction can set you on an journey that can be extremely intense at times. For better and for worse. It certainly did for me.


Been free for a couple of years now. And it was painful, confusing and frustrating. But also rewarding and worth it. And I sincerely hope that laying out a few of the things I did will help you greatly on your own journey.


This is the quote:

CG Jung:​

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”​

It rings very true to me. And it puts into words what I had felt for many, many years but never was able to really articulate.


Until it suddenly became extremely clear to me that one night in the European Alps.


Here is what happened….


I am lying on my back in the middle of the glade, right next to the campfire we built high up in the mountains hours ago. I love it when you can feel the warmth it gives off on your skin and you hear the sounds of the crackling wood. Mixed in with the occasional light snoring from the guys all around. They are already in their dreamworlds but I feel way too amazing to drift off just yet.


When you are deep in nature, you can see the stars in the night’s sky so much clearer and it can be awe-inspiringly beautiful. And at the same time I can watch the dance of fire and shadows on the crowns of the trees around me. I thought to myself: “This is all you need right now”. And it was true. No internet, no porn, no phone, no notifications, no drugs, no TV, nothing.


Absolutely no need for distraction. In fact, the exact opposite is true! The thought “THIS JUST FEELS SO GOOD!” kept popping into my head. Again and again. And when you feel this good you really just enjoy focusing on it and you’d do anything to stay away from distractions.


In that moment I feel better than I have felt in many, many years. And even though I have no idea what is going on yet I know that this is one of these moments that you will remember for the rest of your life.


All I want to do is to simply feel the feels and soak in the moment. I focus inward again. Breathe in, breathe out and relax to focus on what is going on inside.


The best I can describe it is that it’s a cosy feeling of warmth bubbling up from deep, deep inside combined with a happy, tingly energy. It’s completely different from the short-lived and fake “quick and dirty highs” you can get hundreds of times a day nowadays.


The warmth and happiness spread from the chest area through the entire body and it feels like it fills me up completely right now. I joke to myself that this must be what people mean when they talk about “feeling fulfilled”.


And honestly, maybe that IS where the expression comes from.
But I can only guess as I have no other reference in my memory.
At this point in time I only know that it feels amazing.


And I suddenly realize something that hits me like a ton of bricks. I just know that I have been yearning for this feeling for what seems like forever.


I had no idea how much I had missed it until I felt it. I really hope that his makes sense to you. For me this was one of the most eye-opening things about the entire experience.


I didn’t really get it until I felt how massive the contrast was.
Similar to how you don’t notice that you are dry all the time.
You only feel it after you jumped in the water and feel the contrast of being wet.


In this case you can imagine it similar to realizing that instead of dry and wet you jump from constant pain of loneliness and unworthiness to diving head first into a gushing spring of tingly happiness.

That is the sudden contrast you feel.
Lol just writing it puts a huge smile on my face.


But I was completely used to feeling like shit. For years and years and all the time.


Maybe you know this feeling of being utterly unable to truly connect to the people around you. Totally misunderstood and lonely. That’s what it feels like to me.


And honestly, I learned to hide it behind a smile. And hopeful thoughts like “whatever, SOMEDAY, SOMEHOW it’s going to get better, right?”. Other days I would just give up and try to accept that it will always be like that.


In a state of constant pain and suffering like that; trying your best but not finding a way out, in a way porn seems like a beacon of light. It’s merely the faintest knock-off of a loving and caring connection. But it still beats the soul-crushing loneliness. It certainly did for me.


But anyway, I am ranting.

Back to the campfire and what the fuck exactly IS that feeling that makes me feel better than ever?!


In that very moment I am lucky enough that this feeling just keeps flooding my body. Rushing all through me with intensity - I’d give it a 13 on a 1-10 scale - like seriously man. I have plenty of time to observe, feel, think and be brutally honest to myself.


And then I realize it.


The guys sleeping all around me are like brothers to me and I know I am one to them. It’s a bond I have rarely if ever felt before. I finally feel like I belong.


Usually I felt tense and scared around basically everyone.


But with these guys I can openly talk about everything and we laugh a lot.


Even when we shoot shit at each other and one of them makes fun of one of my many quirks. I can genuinely laugh about it because I know deep inside that they want to make me laugh as much as everybody else around and they care about me as much as I care about them.


Just generally I not only FEEL like they care but I also KNOW that they care. I feel accepted. The good, the bad and the ugly. And honestly, that helps me so much in accepting myself as well. Feels good.


Despite hearing “just love yourself” and “accept yourself” about a million times in a million ways before. I could “think” it all day long or try to do whatever to convince myself. Never worked for me.


But simply feeling connected and accepted makes it so, so much easier. It’s ridiculous.


All the time I was working on being strong and independent and not caring about what other people think about me. That’s the common narrative in our society. You hear that all the time from most people.


And in fact I honestly do love being all alone regularly. Helps a lot. Especially in nature. But I hate feeling lonely. When you feel disconnected from people even though they are all around you.


And it seems like feeling connected has little to do with the physical presence of people. No matter where you are, knowing that you share deep bonds with people you care about seems to come with you wherever you go. To me that’s beautiful.


After all, despite our increasingly narcissistic culture we are super social creatures. That’s one of the main elements of how we got here in the first place. By building larger and larger tribes that became able to do way more than any one individual could ever do.


Truly connecting with the people around us is one of our greatest strengths. And I think there is so much truth in the saying that you become the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with.


But I had to really dive into it and learn how to do it. Which brings me to the next part.


How did I cure my soul-crushing loneliness? How did I go from suffering paralyzing social anxiety, jerking off in secrecy daily and being withdrawn from life to this?


To building a thriving business together with some of the best guys I know, now traveling the world with them. And when I get back home, instead of being lonely and separated again I have a select number of people who I care about and who care about me.


Which includes two wonderful women I was seeing at the time and one of my biggest “problems” was deciding who I will meet first once I am back.


And that is coming from someone who, for the longest time, used to be so bad with women that I actually thought I may never be able to enjoy anything resembling a relationship.


How did I get here? I am going to lay it out for you in more detail but the short answer is - by learning how to build deep and authentic connections with a select bunch of people in my life. Btw that includes myself lol. I really had to get to know me all over again and I still do.

And the funny thing is. I realized that I am way more fucked up than I thought I was. But at the same time I love and accept myself more than I ever have.

1. Connecting with other men - the long lost art
   That in and of itself is so powerful that my biggest concern is that I can’t drive that point home enough.
   
   I am talking about building a small but strong band of brothers around you. Like 3 to 5 people max. Less is more here. True brothers that care about you and who lift you up when you are down. And who you lift up when they are down.
   
   It seems that especially us men crave that more than anything and the way our society works at the moment just does not provide much of this. Maybe a light version of it in team sports or a lot more in military service. But that’s about it.
   
   Sebastian Junger in his book “Tribe” describes it perfectly. It’s just a very short book and you can read it in one or two evenings. But I bet that it will speak to something inside you. It really did for me and I was so fascinated that I was unable to put the book down.
   He describes how men have lost that connection and the bonds with each other in our modern society. But it is still deeply ingrained in our DNA. It is a part of us and connecting with that part and taking care of it makes us much stronger and resilient on many levels.
   
   He speaks about how men despite experiencing the most horrifying things in war still want to go back. Not because they want to be violent and kill. But because they felt they are a part of a strong community of brothers.
   
   Something we don’t get anymore in this hyper-individualized culture.
   
   And I am not talking about an accountability partner. That is fine and has its perks but misses the mark when it comes to deep and authentic connection within a whole group of guys.
   
   Btw, having the discipline to build your support system before going out and connecting with women makes a massive difference on your journey.
   Especially when you have felt lonely for a long time, you just want to finally be with a woman. I get it. I’ve been there myself for way too long.
   
   But building a small group of committed guys who share an ambition is way more powerful and grounding. I’ve seen many guys get lost completely when dealing with women. Because all that attachment trauma that all of us deal with is turned up to the absolute max when dealing with someone you find attractive. And it’s near impossible to even see it objectively, let alone get a grip on it when you are dealing with all that unconscious stuff all by yourself.
   
   Ever had a friend with a girl that everyone around just knew was bad for him but he just would not listen? That can be everyone of us. And mostly is everyone of us.
   
   I thought it’s all going to be good when I just finally can crack the code on how to get with women. But what happened was that an even bigger Pandora’s box was opened. That’s why building that strong support system around you is so important.
   
   I know porn addiction is a touchy subject and maybe you are afraid to open up about it and actually talk to a real person about it. But from my own experience and also from working with other guys I’ve seen that when you open up and work on building that connection through more than just writing on the internet (I am speaking of talking via discord or meeting in real life), it’s one of the most freeing and healing experiences. And you become way stronger because of it.
   
   But for all of that to work, next I had to do one thing that still scares me to this day and brings up tons of pain and suffering again and again (no wonder we stay stuck for so long lol). But it is absolutely worth it.
   
   
   
   
2. Being vulnerable - painful but worth it
   By that I mean first of all being courageous enough to truly explore your own mind and emotions. And especially looking at things that scare the shit out of you. And also being humble enough to being open to truths about you that you never expected to be there in the first place. Having buried them deeply never to be seen again.
   
   And to put it into very clear words, I am talking about the ugly side of you. For example the resentful, hateful, weak, lazy, pathetic, shame-filled, useless, stupid, blaming, grandiose, selfish and self-indulgent facettes of you that are full of self-pity.
   
   But not in a condescending manner. More like accepting these facettes to be part of you and integrating them. Accepting that you are an imperfect man but are willing to work with what you have. And more importantly to build on that. I mean, that’s the best any of us can really do.
   
   In my experience facing these things is pure gold and absolutely worth the effort. Invaluable in freeing up your mind and making it a lot easier to feel more and more joy.
   
   Then comes the next, even scarier part about being truly vulnerable.
   
   Thought it was difficult to face that hideous stuff all by yourself and accept yourself for it? How about sharing these things with another person? Shitting your pants yet?
   
   Each and everyone around you has these kinds of fears, has a shadow that they are still unwilling to accept and integrate.
   
   Knowing that you share similar or even the same problems, fears and wishes with them already connects you to them. But actively opening up about these things to someone you trust really builds a deeper and more authentic connection.
   
   But it is not all pain and misery. The opposite is also true and that is the next point.
   
   
   
   
3. Sometimes it IS all sunshine and rainbows - sharing the good stuff builds bridges
   Ever noticed that when something great happens to someone you really care about, you are actually happy for them?
   
   Why would you feel the happy feels in your own body when something good happens to another person? Because you are connected.
   
   And in turn sharing and talking about these positive feelings strengthens the connection. And round we go.
   
   You know what does not instill many happy emotions in most people? Talking endlessly about numbers, charts or why the electoral process in the US is…. ZZZzzzzZZZZzzzZZZz
   
   In my experience, unless you already share a passion for a dusty subject it’s difficult to get anybody interested by hammering them with the facts. You get eyes glazing over constantly.
   
   But it is not the subject in and of itself that is sleep inducing. It’s how we talk about it.
   
   A whole new world of possibility opens up to you when you realize that we engage and connect much more when we think and talk more in terms of themes. Themes like fascination, indulgence, exploration, curiosity, etc. rather than a dusty and stilted lecture of numbers and charts.
   
   I used to think “I am just to smart for these people. They just don’t get it” but actually I was the one who didn’t get it.
   
   And once I started talking about how I just loved moving around outside, what truly fascinates me about how complex our bodies can move. Or why I enjoyed moving and working out in the sun or even the cold, how satisfied and proud I would feel after I had pushed my boundaries. How it helped me reconnect with the world around me and the curiosity I would feel while exploring on a trip in the mountains.
   
   Simply talking about what moved me brings much more joy to everyone involved in the conversation.
   
   Way more than rambling on about reps and sets, and the benefits for your cardiovascular health and did you know that studies show that-ZZZzzzzzZZZZzzzzZZZZ
   
   
   
   
4. The hidden value of small talk
   I used to get super annoyed just thinking about people going for small talk.
   “How about NOT wasting everybody’s time with that useless stuff and get right to it?”
   “Wtf, I don’t care about how your day went. There are way more important things than the consistency of the lunch you had today”
   I just thought it’s one of things stupid, superficial people do but I had more important things to do.
   
   It took me quite a while to understand it but now small talk totally makes sense to me and I even see it as a form of art by now. Never thought I’d say that…..
   
   Because the value of small talk is not the information that is being exchanged. It’s the subtle nuances that you learn to pick up about another person while starting to connect with them.
   
   Because when you truly open up about yourself and become very vulnerable you first want to test the waters and feel out if the other person is safe.
   
   Unfortunately I had to learn the hard way that just being vulnerable right out the gate invites people who want to take advantage of you. And there are way too many of these people out there.
   
   So testing the waters with someone and just talking about more or less mundane things gives you quite a good feel if that person is safe enough to open up carefully. Little by little. Fortunately your intuition is extremely well tuned for it as safe connections is and always has been one of our most important aspects for our survival.
   
   It may be a bit rusty but if you go into it knowing that you will have to hone it a bit again, you will get it really fast.
   
   Where does the art form come in? Well, in making small talk fun and interesting despite its seemingly mundane and superficial content.
   
   In learning to trust your gut instincts about someone and deciphering what they are trying to tell you.
   

I hope that gives you a little bit of a pointer as to what may help you as much as it helped me.


Of course there is so much more than just the few things I mentioned.

For example learning about your own trauma (specifically attachment trauma) and how to release it and many more things.

But this post is already long enough. Maybe another time.


And if you want to connect and actually talk via Discord for example, I am happy to do so. Just send me a pm.


If actually talking is too scary or overwhelming for now, that’s ok. Maybe it’s not for you at this point in time. Just send me a pm and we can chat a bit.


Best wishes,


Phil

 

Hey mihmihero!
I am so happy that you got something out of it man.
And good on you that you realized how lonely you were by doing NoFap only. It took me a lot longer to get it. I went hard mode for a year and didn't even realize it. Only after that moment at the campfire in the mountains.

But nevertheless, only once you actually realize it, you can really go to work and do something about it.
And I hope your motivation has its best friend "discipline" at its side when it gets tired ;-)
To me it feels like motivation sometimes is only a wild one-night stand and then you are alone again - if you know what I mean.

And I am curious, what is it that you are doing about it? Maybe it helps someone else to read it as well or you can just pm me.

Anyway, wishing you all the motivation, discipline and success possible on your journey brother!

 

Thanks for the compliment haha that really means a lot to me as I have poured a lot of heart into writing it.

Yeah man, glad to hear you have your band of brothers - literally ;-)
It really is so important and cultivating these kinds of relationships and taking care of them is incredibly rewarding.
At least in my book it's even more important than most of the other things we in the NoFap-Community value so much like working out, etc.
What do you think? In comparison, how important is a strong group of brothers around you for your happiness?

And yes so true man, the part about introspection and learning to be at peace with your flaws etc. So powerful. I really need to do it even more.
Sounds like you already had quite a bit of progress and introspection.
Did you do it all by yourself and with learning online like YouTube or something or did you also do it in a very open and vulnerable talk with one of your brothers?

Best wishes for you too!

 

Glad I was able to lift you up a bit with my words.
And I know the pain of obsessive thinking about how life should be and is not at the moment.
So much fighting and energy goes into that and then you just feel exhausted. Resentment and frustration build and suddenly you have way too little energy to actually get up and do something about your situation/life.

At some point it felt like I got stuck in a downward spiral in which it was just easier to feel frustrated and resentful.
So good to hear you got yourself out of that man. Respect.

Also, I know so well how badly one can want to be with a woman. But I really meant it when I wrote that (at least in the beginning) it is so much more important to build a strong circle of brothers around you. So much more important than getting with a woman. That can potentially fuck you up for years even though I thought it was my dream coming true.

But of course you can do whatever you like. It's just my recommendation and you sound like you can certainly make your own decisions.

Best wishes on your journey man!

 

Yes very true, all these activities and areas of life are strongly connected and they influence each other so much as you explained. Like exercise improving your vitality and confidence which in turn helps in social situations.
I am exploring if there is one particular area that influences the others more powerfully though.

And from what I found our ways for connecting and any social engagement are extremely powerful in shaping our entire experience.
Have you ever looked into the different forms of attachement trauma?
It is SO powerful in shaping how we look at and feel about the world on such a deeply unconscious level. And all of us have it to one degree or another. It's just part of life.

And it happens so early and becomes a huge, unconscious part of your personality and identity that you really need to know how to "step out of it". Or you just keep repeating the same cycles over and over again and wonder why you seem to be stuck.

After all, as babies each one of us was super dependent on our caregivers (basically live or die) and what happens then is ingrained deeply into us.
It's super fascinating to me and exploring it has improved my life so much.
And curiously, many struggles I have in life generally (severe social anxiety and thinking that I too was inferior only being one of them) are slowly but noticeably easing off all together. It's a long journey still, but it feels like I have found something where I can go all the way to the root and when I work there it affects all the different branches, leaves and blossoms everywhere.

And by far I am mainly focusing on working with my attachement trauma. Whereas I used to learn technique after technique about how to be more charismatic, confident, how to seduce a woman, etc. Never was truly sutainable for me. As in made me happy long term.

I know I am rambling on but what you write really gets me thinking haha
Sometimes I get linguistic diarrhea. It's a curse.

Only one more thing.

I like how you desscribe finding the balance between personal research and introspection and getting feedback from outside.
Being an introvert myself (and sidenote: even the categories of introvert and extrovert are starting to dissolve a little bit as I seem to slowly start to develop some extrovert traits without even trying - it's almost like they are coming naturally) I tend to do my research on my own and think through stuff on my own.

But my thoughts are often so chaotic and jumping around like crazy. So much that I often don't even realize that some stuff does not make sense at all.
But when I write or talk to someone and try to put everythin into a congruent line of thought I often have these moments of "oh wait..... that makes no sense after all.... oooohhhhhh".

Anyway, you seem to be on a good path and I wish you all the best going forward

 

Haha yeah, not taking myself too seriously helps me a lot actually.
And thanks for the compliment as well