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Why lie?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Katrina Rose, Mar 6, 2018.

  1. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    @Surfing Poet the music vid has a girl in underwear... not sure if that's a good thing to post on a porn addict/sex addict forum... might want to put that under a spoiler and say trigger....
     
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  2. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Yeah- the girl in underwear triggers me to anger.
     
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  3. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Different point of view... I get it. Sad... but yes trigger alert should be placed.
     
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  4. I would say Lying is the #1 thing that most SOs hate the most.

    And yes, he shouldn’t be such a pussy.
     
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  5. vxlccm

    vxlccm Fapstronaut

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    My Journal
    Guaranteed this is correct.

    Defeat betrayal trauma through completely honest connections, open communication, gratitude, all on top of a helping of penance.
     
  6. Honesthusband

    Honesthusband New Fapstronaut

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    I am 45 days no PMO now. 4 days no P. 4 days since I admitted to my wife of 11 years that I have a problem. Started when I was 13 when I was sexually humiliated at boarding school and bullied. Parents were nowhere- never were. PMO was all I had. Wife gets that and has sympathy but feels utterly betrayed that it continued after marriage. For years she thought when I relapsed and PIED came back that there was somethung wrong with her.
    I couldn’t live a lie anymore and do this to her anymore. The guilt and shame was destroying me and her.
    She appreciates my honesty but has no trust in me now. She is crying constantly and is reappraising everything over the last 11 years.
    I have 3 wonderful little children. Feel like I’ve trapped her and f**ked her life up completely.
    There was initially a big relief that now after 20+ years I can start living an honest life.
    But now I’m facing the consequence of infidelity (yes I haven’t done prostitutes, chat rooms or any real communication/contact, but faith has been betrayed).
    I want to go to sleep and cease to exist. I want memory of me to be erased from my wife and kids minds so they don’t have to live with the painful consequences of MY actions.
    My whole life till this point, who I AM until this point. It’s all been a lie.
     
  7. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

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    It's all about priorities. As a husband, you should be putting your wife first. If you put her first, then you won't PMO, because you know that it would hurt her and she doesn't want to be hurt. As a wife, put your husband first in the same way.

    Someone who is consistently falling back into PMO is simply putting themselves and their desires above anything or anyone else. It's living a selfish lifestyle, which is much less fulfilling than it may seem. I've been the liar before, and @BetrayedMermaid my wife responded similar to what you've explained you've said to your SO. Without her support and pushing me to improve who I am, I don't think I'd be here right now on NoFap, recovering from PMO. She got angry sometimes, but eventually I had to be completely honest all the time, and we both had to realize that we were fighting this together, we aren't against each other, but on the same team, fighting for the same result.

    Putting your SO first is not always simple, but it's a choice we all make every day, every hour, every minute with the actions we choose to commit.

    That's just my perspective and experience.
     
  8. TheGoldenEra

    TheGoldenEra Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I think that his SO was slightly unfair, he went for several months no PMO. And when he did she just, decided to cut. Yes I get she's hurting too...but is that even fair? The guy relapsed once...not twice once. And he, like someone else mentioned basically didn't even see anything as it was on YouTube. My personal opinion a tad extreme and unsupportive. This guy was a great man, as soon as she found out she asked him to quit. And he did straight away!!. Cold turkey. No complaints. So I do think she, excuse my choice of words but I'm going to say overreacted. Which was harsh on him, he needed comfort to not go back again.
     
  9. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    He was looking at things on YouTube to get sexually aroused. 2?girls..sexually together... searched for topless women.. and did it for 20 whole minutes on the work computer which is not supposed to do. He could lose his job. I am not overreacting !!!!!!
     
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  10. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    When a person resorts to self harm by cutting themselves it is not a rational decision. You are making it as if she could just not do it. Ask yourself do mentally healthy people cut themselves if they hear something they don’t like? No of course not. So no she did not over react at all. Besides you have no idea what hell she went through in the years prior. I mean was it fair that she had to put up with him pmoing and lying all that time? Nope. I don’t think you have an understanding of how horribly the SOs feel here, no clue. A tad unsupportive? She does not have to be supportive at all?
     
  11. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    No you are not overreacting. Not at all.
     
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  12. TheGoldenEra

    TheGoldenEra Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Nah it wasn't on his work computer.
    And what he was doing idk tbh...I can say he suffered from PE and lasted less than a minute as well so he defo weren't there for long.

    It seems I've stirred some pretty strong opinions around here, and my deepest apologies if I say anything stupid. Thank you for your insight btw I never looked at it like that. I knew overreacting was the wrong word *sighs*

    I think you've gotten the wrong end of the stick because my first post may have lacked clarity judging by what you say
    As soon as she as she told him quit.
    He did for months.
    Please be opened minded and look at this as a positive.
    Several months on your first attempt is VERY difficult.
    But As an addict relapses can occur.
    He relapsed.
    Once.
    She cut.
    If something happens again is it worth telling her if she's gonna react like that?
    That's all.
     
  13. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Or maybe they do? How will you know if you are not honest? I will tell you how, when she finds out on her own and loses her mind. And I think it’s rare for you to find an SO who does not. Sure there are all different levels of how much each wants to know, and you should respect that some don’t want all the details but others do. An addiction is something you need to tell your life partner about. And no matter what the addict thinks he or she is highly unlikely to win tje battle with the addiction while hiding it from the SO. Addiction is fed by lies. If you continue to lie or hide things you cannot recover.
     
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  14. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Okay I had to go back and figure out who this hypothetical person was so it’s this “guy you knew.” How long did they date, how long did he use porn for? Their entire relationship? Did he have ED? Did he turn her down for sex? Had she asked him about porn before and did he lie? The story of your friend is told as if there were zero problems in the relationships for a long time. Then suddenly out of the blue she discovered he used porn and presumably he was an addict and since he stopped cold turkey for four months then slipped up she should be more understanding? I call total bs. His porn addiction was effecting their relationship for more than a few months, she was already hiring. And again you seem to repeatedly miss that people don’t get to the point of cutting themselves unless they are in serious pain. It’s like you are saying she has control over that or like she did it to not be understanding?

    It’s not about it being on the work computer. It does not matter if it lasted a minute, he told her he would stop he did not. She has every right to be upset with him. You really are having a hard time seeing the other side of this coin. She did not leave him by the way, she still stayed, stayed with a lot of pain, but stayed.
     
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  15. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    Hi Mermaid, last Friday I told my SO everything. I answered all her questions. She was so graceful about the whole thing. She reminded me that I almost had a breaking point in 2013 but somehow managed it. She was very appreciative of taking care of myself. She has expressed interest in talking to my counselor and meeting the stripper-friend. When I asked her today whether she wants to be involved or have control in my reboot going forward she said, she doesn't want to have any control, but would be interested to be help.
    My feelings about her have changed so much in these 3 months of reboot. The blaming and anger has gone.
    I am much more open with her now. I am also communicating my wants and needs and dislikes openly to her.
    Sorry for long post but drawn to come back and update
     
  16. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I think that this is one of the many examples of why telling your SO is th best choice and to thank you for coming back and sharing it with all of us. Hopefully others pmo addicts can read your story what be inspired to be honest themselves. The only thing I would add is that you may have used an incorrect word when you asked it she wanted to be “ in control “ of your reboot. No one can be in control of that but you. So while many SOs would love to be in control of the addicts actions we know that’s not realistic and unhealthy. I would reword it and ask her what information she would like shared with her. Does she want to know if you relapse etc? Since you do have her trust you want that keep it so be very clear from her what she needs to avoid any miscommunication. Good luck!
     
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  17. Gooding

    Gooding Fapstronaut

    Sure. Below is the exchange between me and my SO. I am becoming very open about everything with her. Not just my reboot. And We are liking it.

    Me: Going forward I will continue to own and do my recovery/reboot - you are ok with that. You dont want to involve and control it. do you?
    Me: would you want to know up to date status including failures/relapses if any....
    SO: I don't want to control it but please allow me to help. Help meaning support.
    SO: I want to involve but don't want to take charge because I am not qualified. If your professional therapist wants to talk to me.... I would be more than happy to let her know anything she needs

    Please note, I was in a very dark place until Jan! I took professional help and did a 85 days reboot (without relapses). Healed a lot, before I told SO everything.
    She APPRECIATED that! She explicitly said it could have become very personal and made the reboot itself very hard for me. After 85 days of reboot the vibes between us is a lot different.... My counselor is tracking that and pointing out to me every other week.
    So WHEN you tell your SO is also important.
     
  18. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Sorry for resurrecting an old thread but I just wanted to brain-dump the reasons why porn addicts lie.

    1. We thought it was true. When I promised my wife that I would give up pornography (because she needed me to) I assumed it would be easy to stop. You will not be surprised to hear that it was not easy, it was nearly impossible!
    2. We just want her to shut up. OK, this one is not good, and I hope I have not done it to my wife, but I have done it. Sometimes someone is going on about something that seems wrong headed to me. It takes too much effort to argue them down so sometimes I just say what they want to hear in the hope that they will stop going on.
    3. We are ashamed. Sometimes it is too shaming, too frightening, to admit something we did.
    4. Sometimes it is the easiest way to achieve what we think is right. I do not have an example of this at home but at work you sometimes encounter rules that seem crazy, e.g check the box if you have blah blah blah. OK, checked.
    5. Sometimes we do not want to hurt her feelings. My mother-in-law once asked me "Do you like the new carpet?" I lied.
    6. Sometimes emotional conversations move too fast for me. @Wave Surfer mentioned "mess" in an earlier post, and that can be when I start to feel frightened and defensive. I feel it sometimes reading other married people's journals here too (e.g. this). My wife has such a clear cut view of love that she finds it easy (obvious, straightforward, …) to zoom through emotionally significant things as we talk, but I don't. I often feel like I am in an exam looking at a multi-choice question and I know all of the answers are wrong. I need to get past the question quickly, so I lie. NoFap has helped me overcome this. I don't lie anymore, I try to stay present and give my wife as honest account as I can, even if that means speculating about my motives. But it is hard, way harder than lying, staying silent, or saying "I don't know".

    @Katrina Rose I know some of these are flippant or obvious, and that there is more hurt in the question than I have acknowledged in my answer, but these are the reasons for lying that came to me.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2019
  19. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    For me then this time it's not about relapsing. This is my second round, the second d day. My wife called me out on my behaviour 11 years ago. It wasn't ever really discussed in depth but I was projecting my PA onto her on a weekly basis for over a year. This was after my wife was pregnant with our second son. I said I would stop but I continued. I just hide it better and didn't project it onto her half as much. So looking at it now it's like an 11 year lie about a relapse.

    Second d day was December, since that day I was a bit brain foggy for the first month and had some experiences with my wife that where projections of porn. The last time was early January. I haven't relapsed with pmo since end of November. But it had been lies for me since then. Lies have been my Everest. I know from reading on here and from my wife and from a CSAT that lies are the worst part of betrayal. I know all this but I still struggle.

    Why lie? To protect the good guy image I have created in my head. I have been doing these things I shouldn't have been but no one's been getting hurt. If I pull one lie out of the wall of lies I've built then the whole thing will come crashing down and I will be exposed. You will see me for what I truly am and you will surely run a mile. I will tell you the things I've done and you will never look at me in the same way. You will never love me again after everything is disclosed. I will not be the man of your dreams I will be the monster in your nightmares. I will not be the hero who set out to defend your honor and rescue you. I will be the villain who set out to destroy you. I will have to look at all the hurt,pain and misery I have brought into our relationship.

    Yes these are some weak ass excuses but there what goes on in our heads. It's like trying to give up smoking, you don't want to smoke but then you choose to have a cigarette. You choose to go and get a packet, at this point you have chosen to go for it. It becomes increasingly harder from this point to turn back, ever second that passes it gets more difficult. This is what it's like for me in my head. Lies are destroying my life and I'm aware of it and I'm trying to stop but its hard. And I'm sorry it must be a million times harder on the SO. But if it was so easy obviously we PAs would just stop.

    I guess everyone is individual and everyone has there different struggles. For me this time with the pmo when it all came out I really didn't like where I was or what I was doing. So I seen p for what it was and I really started to hate and despise it. I am getting to that point with the lies where I am starting to despise them too so I hope it will have the same affect on them
     
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