Why lie?

I can only wonder what this guy is going through in his life. Couple of weeks ago my therapy session ended like this "my parents must not have given birth to a child. People like me should not be in existence". After that we had only couple minutes to conclude. The counselor asked "are you giving up". I had no effing clue what she meant. I said NO. Because I wasn't in a state to give up on anything.

The beauty is it is online therapy, if I die today in an accident, I don't even think she will ever know. LOL.

There goes reality.

 

Yes! Lying is disrespectful, you said it perfectly, that is why I hate lying, I hate being disrespected and I know most people don't want to be disrespected. I mean isn't there that cliche about how men just want respect from their wives? Well, how can wives respect a man who disrespects them daily...

 

In high school, I told my friend that "you can respect others only if you respect yourself". He asked whether I read an author who had that quote in his book. I said no it is common sense.

Note: that is not a disagreement with your statement. But a complimenting statement.

 

I agree with you that the people who lie generally don’t respect themselves, and so they cannot respect others. Sort of like the saying goes you have to love yourself first, before you can love anyone else. But I guess my point is either deal with your s*#t and get healthy and be honest or don’t deal with it, but warn your future partner about what they are in for, or stay single. Don’t bring other people into your s*#t, or bring them in and be angry when they leave you. Relationships do not cure addictions, they only make them worse. So get yourself together, then you won’t have to worry about lying.

 

I agree. Share the glory but not shit. Modern marriage is an one way street.

 

Precisely my point.

 

Ok, you might have a point. Not telling might has a lot to do with not wanting to be rejected. But I think every SO would much rather their SO not be an addict.

 

Fear.

Fear of SO leaving, fear of being unable to quit, fear of making SO angry, fear of making things even worse.

 

I told my husband last night- don’t be such a pussy!!! ( I said this with a smile on my face and I didn’t mean it to be rude)...I’m tough and I can handle the truth. What I can’t handle is him lying!! And we will not make it if he continues to omit things or flat out lie. I’m giving him a little bit of a grace because he’s in the habit of lying to me, but there will certainly come a time where he has lied his last lie to me. I will not stay with a liar!!

 

It has been 38+8 days. My SO don't even know about any of this. There is no accountability partner. But I haven't gone back to P for a single minute. Why? Perhaps I am wired to be this way. I am committed to my recovery.

If I had been vulnerable and weak person, and if I had a SO with intimate/sexual relationship I would let her block/control every possible source of porn to me. I will let her escort me every possible minute that I am not at work. Because once I recover, the reward is worth. I cannot imagine anything greater satisfying than having a real romantic life.

 

Problem is, I used to check on h M regularly, check his history, ask him if he’s had any setbacks or temptations- he’d say no—- he just st learned to hide it better- by using incognito browser... There is no way an SO can control a PA... they have to do it themselves like you’re doing. I don’t want to control my husband. That’s pathetic. I want him to control himself.!! Unfortunately right now he looks very weak to me since I found out he’s been lying for our whole relationship and he’s not very appetizing or attractive when he lies he looks like a scared little puppy. Nope. I need a man with self-control who is attracted to the realness of me... A man who won’t settle for the fakeness of porn.

 

But their SO is an addict. Yes of course people would prefer that the person they love or are seeing is not an addict, but lying about it does not change the fact that they are an addict. It just piles on top of the fact that they are an addict, now they are a liar too.

 

You are so right, he has to want to do this, you cannot control it, you can try, but deep down you have to accept it’s a choice he needs to make. To me that was very scary. I was like wait I have to trust that this man that lied to me our entire relationship is not going to lie to me or hurt me again? That is very difficult. I also found that unattractive the same as you, it’s part of why I left. It got to the point where having sex with him made me feel physically ill.

 

I still want to say, if I am not strong, I will let my SO control me. I will give up smart phones, electronic devices, I will even let her be with me all the time possible. Because 90 days of this will return a potential life long happiness for all involved.

 

Gooding-
How come you haven’t told your SO?

 

I new a guy who was trying really hard and then relapsed, he was so dejected when he relapsed he just wanted to talk to his girl about it. And she decided to cut herself.
Quitting an addiction is not easy, people must understand that it takes a lot of time, attempts and dedication. Sometimes it's hard to be honest, because you honestly won't know how the other person would react.

Please be understanding and patient. Try to give them all the support you possibly can if you truly want to help them change.

 

Clearly he had an SO that was in so much pain that she chose to cut herself. I think often addicts are so caught up in their own addiction and pain that they can’t see how much their SO is hurting. And this often has gone on for years. She needs support too. If you look at it as mentioned above from the SO she has zero control over if you relapse, at least you have some. You also cannot rely on your SO to be your sole support system, that’s not possible, and sometimes she can’t support you at all, she’s in too much pain. It sounds like here the SO may have asked not to be told. Whatever the SO asks that’s what the addict needs to do. If she says tell me then tell her, if she says don’t tell me than don’t. But getting a negative reaction is never an excuse for a lie in my book. I think all of us SOs are understanding even the ones that left like me, but we have our limits. And by that I’m saying how many relapses are enough? Everyone is different but for most there is a limit.

 

I haven't told her I am a PA and that I am in reboot. Monthly because I am angry at her for other reasons. When I am upset with her I don't like taking her help or support.

But she saw my PA symptoms. She mentioned about my swearing which is unlike me.
She saw my flatline symptoms. I just told her I am handling my shit.
My reboot did something to get she started paying to too much attention to me but I am still angry at her.
So when I started hard mode I told her no touching, hugging for six weeks. She noted it down. I also told her no LMT, no stripclub during the six weeks.

In our relationship we can tell each other anything. And we can keep things without telling. But we don't lie.

We have parallel tracks in our relationship. Some are amazing. Some are horrible.

 

Another reason why I don't involve my SO in my reboot is, she will try to mother me, and there is a sad puppy inside me. But for other reasons I am angry at her and do not want to bring out that side of me. So I am my angry bear self.

I don't want her attention because I am suffering. I must have been a priority for her all along.

When all this is over, there is a chance, we will go through couples counselling. I might hear her side of the story then. But for now I am MAD at her...

 

Maybe some SO don't want to know.

Spoiler: possible trigger

From the comment section on YouTube for the video a woman writes, 'i can feel it when he says "keep it on the low".. theres never been any comfort in the truth'.