Why lie?

I think we do mean it, Katrina. Why clam up, why hold anything back? I suppose because we're afraid, because we want to spare her pain, because we're ashamed, because we think it's on us, because we thing we can catch up and do better. I'm not defending this, just trying to explain.

 

Well as a past liar to others I will say the lie is easier tempoarly then telling the truth, I have known women say they want the truth and when I have told them the truth they get all upset about it. Now as I got older I don't lie that much at all anymore any women that doesn't like the truth I don't need them in my life I find telling the truth helps me to de drama my life

 

We do mean it, especially the moment we get caught. After my first DDay, which was over 10 years ago, I tried to be honest and I was for a while, then when I relapsed I was afraid to say anything for the simple reason that if I say anything we would be done. After my second DDay, which was 5 months ago, I was ashamed and selfish. I relapsed so fast and I tried to do it on my on, I did not have NoFap. Mine SO told me she is willing to help and would be there for me as long as I would be honest, but I was an idiot and tried to do it on my own. When I finally did relapse I did not want to say anything, cause I thought she would think that I can't stay away from PM even for a month. I broke too quickly.

Also, another reason why I didn't tell her about my relapses, cause I just did not want to. It was my time, my private thing I did and I did not want anyone to know about it.

 

Total Honesty. Every time I told my SO I would stop porn, it was because I meant it. I didn't want to hurt her and I didn't want to lie. But then the lying would start again, first with my self. I would rationalize what I was doing. I would have conversations in my head making it okay for me to PM behind her back. "She doesn't want to sleep with you so then she must not care if you watch porn" or "She has to know that your doing it, she must not care"I would even go as far as to make it her fault some how. The shame was bad but the anger was worse. I would be angry at my self but turn the anger on her. Then I would lie to her. "I am not using porn". I would even start to delete texts from friends thinking the context would upset her all the while telling myself I am doing it to keep her from getting hurt. I did this for years before I even realized or admitted I was an addict. I am now 50+ days PMO free and I feel completely different. Now I know the reason I failed so many times is not because I did not care about hurting my SO. The reason I failed was because I was only doing it for her not really for myself as well. I knew what I was doing was hurting her but for some reason It was not enough to make me stop. I wanted to stop so badly but every time I failed I would eventually blame her instead of blaming myself. Not once during those times did I admit to her that I slipped up, she had to catch me each time. Now I have admitted that PM was hurting me as well. Damaging my mind and body as well as my family. Since admitting that to my self I have been able to make several positive changes. My SO does not trust me yet and that is of course understandable. I know it will be a very long time before I can regain her trust. For a bout 2 weeks every night I had to force myself to tell her all these things I had never been honest with her about. After that telling the truth about a dirty text or a meme doesn't seem so bad. I fell that for PA's lying becomes part of the day to day. We wont admit to any one(not even ourselves) the amount of shame and self loathing we feel. I know now that it is easier having someone to talk to about it but it took me a long time and a couple of very honest weeks of telling my SO everything before I felt like I was able to really be truthful. I can't speak for all PA's but this is how I felt about it.

 

Addiction is a disease. It affects brain function. Integrity honesty conviction are things that are difficult to perform for someone with severely affected brain.

My PA is in one way an opportunity for me to at least understand if not sympathize addicts, which earlier I didn't.

I truly believe it is not realistic for a SO of a PA, to involve in the PA's reboot. Especially the ones in a conventional sense of marriage/bonding. The primary emotion you could feel is anger, feeling betrayed, which is fair, but also means you cannot tender the addict to heal and recover. You cannot keep from pressuring, it is fair, but might not work. He is going to feel even more ashamed, guilty, worthless.... All of which is going to make him weak, and the weak cannot fight

 

Prior to PA, was the relationship completely transparent? I would implore that. Because if this is caused by PMO I can understand that. If it is not then the issue of lack of transparency is orthogonal to the PMO

 

Rebuilding a relationship does NOT necessarily mean putting the SO through the details and pain of the reboot.
Perhaps many PAs want to depend on the SO for their reboot.... But the more I read I get an impression that the SO's are more angry than sympathizing. Makes me think it is unrealistic to expect an SO to be so generous and understanding....

 

I see anger, sure. But most of the SO's I see here are very supportive as long as the PA is putting in the work.

 

Agree. I am so glad I could learn their point of view, feelings and thoughts.
But see the last part in your statement... For a PA who is already fighting that is another thing to deal with.

All I am saying is the focus should be on the Porn Addiction, not the Porn Addict! Which is almost impossible for the SO

 

Because we think we can still hold on to part of it, and make everything work or because we can't face that part of ourselves, let alone show it to the most important person in our lives.

Why didn't I go to confession for those 25 years? Deep down, I thought I was so disgusting that God wouldn't forgive me. I thought I was beyond redemption. So you can imagine what I thought of a human being's capacity to forgive and accept me.

 

It does if the SO wants the details. I don’t think it’s that PAs want to depend on the SO for their reboot, some may but that’s not the true concern. The PA is not just working on recovering from the addiction, he is working on rebuilding the trust he destroyed with his partner. He cannot do that if he is not honest with her, and answers the questions she needs answers to. The addict does not tell his partner to gain generosity or understanding, he does it to rebuild her trust. Telling the truth is not always easy, but it is necessary. Now if the PA has no desire or intention to rebuild the trust then that’s a totally different story.

 

The focus should be on recovery from the addiction and rebuilding of the relationship. I think you may be seeing this more so as just a healing time for the addict and the partner being the support. But its also a healing time for the partner.

 

I see your point
Thanks a lot

 

I just think it's said because it's something she wants to hear. The honest answer would be: I want to quit right now but in the future, I will be tempted and it's likely I'll relapse at some point and probably relapse more than once. The truth is not an easily wrapped up, it's messy and I think most people don't want mess.

 

If his intention is not to quit then he should say that. You put the focus on “what she wants to hear” and that’s the reason you don’t tell the truth. When in reality it’s about what you want to tell. If you truly love someone you owe them the truth, and if the above is your truth then say it, and allow her to walk away. Addicts who do not tell the truth, are doing so for themselves,not their partners. They don’t want to deal with the implications of being honest.

 

I’m an SO and I want to everything. My husband and I had a conversation last night- he had a “close call”... but omitted much of what that “close call” was... after me asking specific questions, I unearth that he did actually watch 20 minutes of porn, but because it wasn’t as bad as he has seen in the past and because he didn’t MO to it , he rationalized that it was just a “close call”. He was in denial of how bad it was- it was “just on YouTube”... of course he omitted these facts when he first told me- it was on the work computer without a filter, it was 20minutes, not just 4 video clicks, the things he watched were the kind of things that spun him up in another “close call”. And at first he led me to believe that he just clicked on videos that weee on the side when in reality he actually searched in the search bar.

I told him to quit being vague- dare to tell the whole truth, get out of the habit of these half lies... and see it for what it was and accept it- “you watched porn at work in the work computer” he didn’t want to admit that but he finally did... I think... at least to me- maybe in his head he thinks he’s justified, I don’t know...

Also- I did tell him good job for not taking it to MO. That is a success! But if you don’t admit and own the fail, that kind of fail will happen again and take him down the road he didn’t want to go...

I’m trying to help him. I know he’s been omitting for a long time and it’s a habit, I have told him to dare to hurt me with the truth. It’s what I genuinely want. I will hurt either way but the truth is more constructive to trust.

 

Yes!!! Not telling the truth is for their benefit... not the SO’s.

 

Right “Hurt me with the truth don’t comfort me with a lie.” The addicts lie so they don’t have to deal with the pain they are causing the SO. To me lying is a sign of disrespect. Not to mention, they always find out. I think thats another lie that addicts tell themselves, she will never find out.

 

I don't know whether OP is reading this thread...