Why is my reboot taking unnecessarily long?

Am actually new here...
Not in the rebooting game of course (been doing that since the 80's), but i've just decided to sign up, after months and months of reading and practicing, and abstaining, and cold showering, and everything else associated with quiting the very thing i so much loved and desired in the past (need i mention?).

This may be a very long read, but i'll try so hard not to bore you, trust me.

So the first time i actually did MO was around 2014. Back then, i never did it much. I can count at most 5 times that i did it first.

But on the ending of that year, going to the following year, things really did escalate. At some point, i was doing it everyday for a couple weeks (without P). But it was something i normally did on an on-and-off basis.

So for instance, i could MO everyday for about 1 to 2 weeks, and not do it for the next one month.

The reasoning behind that was that i was a staunch Christian at that time, and because of that very fact, i tried as much as possible to limit my MO habbit. I often succeeded, but i found myself heading back to it after sometime. But you know what surprises me most?

I was having withdrawal symptoms, even at this early stage!

i noticed it from from the second time i engaged in a PMing spree. Its something i find very hard to comprehend. I mean, do I have a different brain from every other person. I haven't heard anyone say he got withdrawal symptoms after just around one month of using.

Anyway things continued this way for quite some time. And pretty soon, i added P to the MO. But the farther i got into the journey, the more spacing i gave between my PMOing sessions. I was PMO free for most of 2016 & 2017 except towards the ending of these two years. I PMO'ed a lot towards the ending of 2017, from August, to around December. But that of 2016 was mostly during December, for about two weeks or three.

Now 2018 was hell of a year for me. First was that i got the withdrawal symptoms from my PMO rump of 2017 throughout the beginning of the year, for about 3 months. It was kinda severe but it ended at some point. At this point, i haven't heard of Nofap, but i promised myself to stay away. However, once in every 1-2 months, i would PMO again for about 2-3 days (heavily), and when i stopped, i would usually get withdrawal symptoms afterwards, and i noticed that each withdrawal symptoms ended up being more severe than the former one.

Once, i actually abstained for close to 4 months. It was a clean streak with a few edging here and there on the 4th month. Towards the second month of the 4-month streak, i started having PAWS. At first i was very surprised because i felt almost perfect for the first two months before the PAWS crawled in.

I ended up relapsing full time and it was the worst relapse ever. This relapse happened towards the end of August 2018. And it lasted for about one to two weeks. After i relapsed i came across nofap. So i began my Nofap journey on 1st September 2018. I had extremely severe symptoms when i started. It was basically 10x worse than that of my previous streak, but i persevered and never actually relapsed.

What I actually find surprising, and the reason why i created this thread is that, after 10 months of almost no PMO ('almost' because i actually looked at porn about 4 times, for less than 5 mins each, and MO'ed twice, less than 3 or 2 mins each), am still having withdrawal symptoms. Its strange because people whose porn addiction duration was much longer than mine are almost completely healed.

The only other thing i did during this streak that i didnt mention was that, i occasionally looked at myself naked, the way anyone would look at P. And I would sometimes film my naked self and look at it, then delete it. Its a strange thing to do, and am very strictly into women, however its usually much less arousing than porn, and i wasn't doing it very often. I can count about 10-15 times i did it during this streak.

Again, i wasn't addicted to anything thing else, though i"d have to admit that i was a heavy smartphone user for about 2 years. I loved to visit a particular forum several times a day, each time, for nothing less than 5 mins, and at most, about an hour or more. It was the first thing i did in the morning, and the last thing i did at night before i sleep, almost every day. And I also liked to randomly surf things on the net. This happened for about two years. But I have stopped that too. Stopped since January.

So if i had withdrawal from that, it would have ended a long time ago. Infact when i checked, i didnt even find people who said they had any significant withdrawal symptoms from too much internet surfing (of course not for porn related stuff). So it may basically still be that am still having withdrawal symptoms from porn use?

My major symptoms at this point are: inability to feel happy most times (sometimes as severe as when i initially quit PMO), occasional memory loss, occasional lack of feelings, occasional depression like am having right now, negative thoughts (they were away for some time, but back again). The one that disturbs me the most is the negative thoughts bcos whenever i have them for a prolonged time, bad things happen.

Am also very concerned about the frequency of these symptoms. Initially, they would come and go like most people here had said. So I always had 'free days' when i feel almost perfect. But these days, in fact for over a month, i've never had any 'free day'. So am basically dealing with things like inability to feel happy, for almost everyday since over a month. The other symptoms come and go. Its really painful, what i go through, and I want to be able to enjoy life just like every other person.

Anyway, i've actually had a lot of improvements over the past 10 months. AM really very grateful for the improvements i've seen so far. I even got the 'chick magnet' that many people were talking about, i have a more beautiful skin and a deeper voice (a lady even mentioned it to me recently).

But i just think that everything should be over at this point considering the things i mentioned above. It just feels to me that something really damaged in my brain permanently, and that i would remain in this roller-coaster of symptoms forever?

I'd really love to hear your views guys. Is it normal for someone like me who wasn't addicted for very long to still get withdrawal symptoms till this very moment?. And worst still, one that recently started coming everyday, without any breathing space?

 

thanks a lot bigboibez. Wish you luck too!

 

Hi Tao Jones, thanks for your advice.
Yeah, i never actually stopped everything 100%. I did at first, but i ended up backsliding a bit.
But now, am on it 100%.
I hope its not bad tho, to fantasize about loving a woman, and feeling all the feelings of being in such relationship, except the sexual part?

Anyway, the reason i loved looking at my naked self was that it always got me aroused. Maybe my butt reminds me of that of a woman. I have no idea.

 

i do understand where you are getting at.

It isn't real. I know. But it just might happen. Remember law of attraction?

The truth of the matter is that, am actually fantasizing with a gal who has shown interest in me. Not some random woman i made up in my mind.

All the same, i'll stop that too. I just loved the feeling, so i figured instead of spending my waking hours thinking about sex with someone (i always get boners in the morning so it happens without me even wanting it to), i should instead replace that with true love only, and the feelings associated with that. But i find that that too can be a problem bcos there is such a thing as love addiction.

Thanks for reminding me. You're the best

 

thanks @kropo82

The symptoms reduced much more after the day i made that post. I was just feeling like hell on that particular day. Maybe it was chaser effect from jerking off about a week before that. Thank you!

I promise to remain PMO free for now, and PM free forever.

 

it needn't take that long @arkad1

i thought the same thing too during the times when my withdrawal symptoms were at its peak. But like most pple here have said, you have to give up sexual fantasies, and PMO completely to truely heal. Hang in there and with time, everything will be alright!

 

@Tywin Lannister

i've heard of kindling, but its too bad i only got to hear of it after my several relapses over the years. Thank you for your kind words

 

@Tywin Lannister

i've heard of kindling, but its too bad i only got to hear of it after my several relapses over the years. Thank you for your kind words

 

@Tywin_Lannister

i've heard of kindling, but its too bad i only got to hear of it after my several relapses over the years. Thank you for your kind words