Why is it so hard to finde some inner peace?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Bananajoe, Jun 14, 2019.

  1. Bananajoe

    Bananajoe Fapstronaut

    Hey guys, I could really need some advice. Maybe someone has been through the same feelings. I’m 27 years old and I feel really lost in life with no path.

    So here I try to tell you what’s going on in my life.
    I feel really sad. I don’t know when this started but I think after I finished school and didn’t know what career I should start. Since 7 years I am looking for what to do that could give me fullfillment. My childhood was okay, but for a long time I was thinking I am not good enough an my family does not accept me they way I am. So I dissociated from my family. At this time I realised they wantedalways just the best for me. But it took a lot of time for me to realisethat. So now I am fine with them. YetI still don’t feel the urge to improve our relation, maybe just a bit. But to many time passed so I got used to be on my own and wiht friends, girls. I guess when I feel better, the relationwill also improve. But first I have to focus on myself.

    But since I finished school I always focused on other things, like friends,party, drugs and dating. Especial dating. I searched for recognition by sleeping with a lot of girls. Having 4 relationships which all broke after 8-12 months. I never felt good by being alone, so I put all my energy in girlfriends. But it never worked out. I was always thinking everything will be great with a partner by my side. But I always forgot about myself and made myself dependent and adjusted my life to my girlfriend. I forgot to love myself and to take care of me. That’s maybe why I started to stagnate in life and my body tries to tell me that. Because almost 4 years ago I lost all my hair. It’s called alopecia universalis. I don’t have left even one hair on my body. Even no eyebrows or nosehair. All hair is gone.
    I made all possible medicine test and my body is healthy there is nothing missing, no issues. To be honest my body feels better than ever since I started to work out and eat healthy. But I guess my mind and soul are still sick. And I focused to much on my body for all theses years. Because hair loss is a physicall thing. But yeah, I also know it will not help if I only take care of my body because the body mind and soul work together. And I think I neglected the mind and soul. Cos I still don’t feel self confident and don’t have much self esteem, because I still think to much about my optical appearance. And there are days I can accept it but there are also others where I feel very ugly and say to myself it would be easier to have hair again. I also know that the optical appearance is not that important. It is more about my presence. And if I feel fine with myself an win some self confidence, my presence will rise and people around me will notice that. I even had a girlfriend again even with the hairloss. But this is also over since few weeks. This time I just fell in love with someone who is a free bird and recognised that to late but I kept holding her (it felt better than being alone). We talked a lot about that and it has nothing to do with me. She still loves me for who I am and I am still one of the most important persons to her. But she noticed that she doesn’t want a relationship in general because she also doesn’t know what she wants in life. But for me it is very hard now to let her go. Because I know we did nothing wrong and we were naive and felt in love. But now I wish I just could hate her to make it easier for me to overcome to heartache. It feels very hard. Because I really don’t know what to do. In general I would tell her to get out of my life, I don’t want to be friends with you. But on the other hand I know that’s just temporary. Time will pass and I will not feel that close anymore to her and it will be possible to be friends. So we decided to have no contact now. But still it hurts and feels so hard to let go. To be honest I don’t want that girl back because deep inside I know it will never work out. But still the feelings...

    After the breakup I noticed that my thoughts circled a lot about sex. That was the time I realised how hard POM destroyed my brain. The imagination of her having sex with another guy is even worse than the fact we are no partners anymore. I noticed it was just a good feeling to have someone around me who loves me and gives me a good feeling and it was a lot about sex. But this was not real love because real love is unconditionally. So the issue sits inside of me. I don’t love myself enough. That’s why I distracted myself with party drugs gaming and PMO. All these things gave me just short dopamine kicks. But it was nothing that made me feel good in the long term. And I realise what’s wrong with my mind when I read the success stories here. These guys are saying things like, they don’t see women only as sex object anymore (which I note I am doing since many years) or they become more self confident and can control their emotions. So I have hope this will also happen to me. Sex played one of the most important roles the past last years and it’s just like everything is just about sex sex sex. Maybe this huge focus on sex holds me back from living a joyful life, so maybe I need to stop to identificate myself with sex. I stopped drugs, just need to stop smoking. Started to work out and eat healthy again. Having some time by my own, but the most of the time I try to be with friends because being alone sucks, even if I know I need to be on my own. I also started NoFap more than 3 weeks ago and i started to feel better but I relapsed few days ago and it feels like I have to start from the beginning because the benefits Inoticed after 16 days were gone.
    It feels hard to change my habits and at this moment it feels even worse because I have to spent more time with myself. Earlier I played videogames or PMO to feel better or distracted myself with other things. And since I try to stop this things I feel very sad because I notice my feelings and it hurts a lot. And I am asking myself if it will get better, and when, will there be sunshine after the storm? It feels like i have to put my whole life upside down. To leave my old personality behind feels very heavy. And I am scared of the time which lays infront of me. And I am comparing myself to others and I feel like I am the one who is behind, the one who missed the train of happiness. But are the others really happy? Or are they just hiding themself from their feelings too? It feels like time is running out and I have to change and do something now, so I feel a lot of pressure. I have a big lack of energy and I don’t know what to do, what to do with my life and how my future will look like. And this makes it even worse, becausetime is running.

    At the moment I work as flightattendant, so I am some days on duty followed by some days rest. But right now I am at home, certified sick, since almost two weeks...because of zero motivation and the lack of energy. Especially during the days of rest I feel lost and I am asking myself if the things I try to do now and try to change will really help me? It’s aconstant mode of stagnation. I know have to keep going but I don’t know how.

    But to add something to NoFap. I found this community and it was like wow, Porn was destroying my life for so many years! I noticed I am an addict and this shit influenced me more than I could imagine. So now I have hope this no PMO is the key. But the thing is I am worried about that. What if that’s not the issue at all? Will it really help? But is it really because of porn? I don’t know, I maybe stop writing at this point because the text starts to become messy and is losing its structure. But I think my situation is clear. If you guys have any questions, ask me. And sorry for my English, I am not a native speaker.
    Maybe you can give me some advise, hope or share your experience. I am just seeking for some inner peace.

    Thanks for reading and big hugs
  2. properWood

    properWood Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing, it was an interesting read, simply because I partially found myself in what you're describing.

    What's the striking thing appearing in your story is "escape mechanisms": friends, drugs, PMO, parties. Your sex thoughts are also a method to escape, because subconsciously you think that that will solve some emotional pain.

    I myself have not mastered it, but those sound to me that you're suffering from loneliness and boredom and you're looking for someone from outside to soothe the pain that those two feelings bring you. However, from my experience, after a few failed relationships started from loneliness and boredom, the pain doesn't go away and the girls usually get repelled by the needy/attention seeking behaviour after a while. The cure to loneliness and boredom must come from the inside our own psyche and then we can show to others that we're our own beings, we don't need to rely on them. That's easier said than done, but we're both starting from a position of lacking something inside us.

    The lack of energy could be very well linked to depression. You said you're certified sick since almost two weeks; I recently had one month off work for burnout/depression/mental breakdown, and once I returned to work all my anxiety returned. I resigned before returning to work, but I still have to "stick around" this office for another two months, which throws off all the work I've done on myself for the past month, mainly dealing with emotions. For me the work environment and a few relationships developed here are the source of my latest bout of depression, but my depression originates in childhood (those feelings of loneliness, boredom and lack).

    Are you seeking the help of a therapist?
    Kiz Whalifa likes this.
  3. Whammy

    Whammy Fapstronaut

    You seem to have hit the bottom of the barrel friend. Have you considred. Accepting Jesus into your life? It's a weird qeustion, but truly what's the worst that could happen? It doesn't work?
    I've found in my life i will never be good enough to meet the standards i set for myself, but Jesus sees my flaw, my insecurity, my mistakes and he says come to me and i will carry it for you. If youre intrested DM me. Im not the best when it comes to the little details but i care. Even if you don't care, please remember Jesus loves you
    Roady and Bananajoe like this.
  4. legendsneverdie

    legendsneverdie Fapstronaut

    bro you have a good heart. you mentioned that you had been neglecting your mind and soul. And i respect you for understanding the interconnection btwn mind body soul, but you forgot about one of the most important things: the spirit.

    Do you know who Jesus is? Maybe you have heard things about him, bad or good. But He wants to know you and your life can be radically changed if you accept Him and place your faith in Him.

    If you have an iphone, i recommend downloading the bible app. And then go to plans, and type in “Overcome Porn” bible plan. It’s a 40 day plan and last year it helped me out a lot. I’m now over 4 months pmo free.

    I can tell you are stuggling a lot in this crazy world and have lots of doubts and questions. Trust me, Jesus is the answer you are looking for. And YES, there is sunshine after the storm, if you only have enough patience to ride out the storm and see it through to it’s end.

    My first streak last year lasted 155 days. I relapsed because i still partially wanted to go back to pmo. This time is different. This time i knew there was no going back to that hell. And from the first long streak i knew things get better eventually.

    And they have. My whole world has flipped 180. Let me tell you i was at the bottom of the barrel, i had hit rock bottom, bawling my eyes out that i was a slave to my flesh. I hated myself and thought it was too late, im ruined. I wondered if i could ever see the light again, for i had dimmed my sight and lost the way.

    But through Jesus Christ, the king of kings and lord of lords, I was set free when i asked for the holy spirit and realized i could either walk by the spirit or the flesh. One leads only to death, pain, suffering and the other leads to life and blessings and peace. You have to choose one or the other. If you live for lust, if you live to satisfy the flesh, you will never be satisfied. It will lead you only into sorrow and regret.

    I want you to know there is hope and healing in Jesus, and i want you to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. When you know you are free, you just know.

    You can either control your sex drive or your sex drive controls you.

    Last thing, please look up “restore purity vimeo”. There are some excellent biblical videos about how to overcome pmo. I wish you the best of luck my friend. You are on the right path.

    Romans 8:18: “i’m sure what we are suffering now cannot compare with the glory that will be shown to us!”
    Roady and Bananajoe like this.
  5. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    Where are you from?
  6. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

    Just like some of the other users pointed out: You seem to have been using various escape mechanisms as a substitute for not facing yourself, your problems/issues and the things that might make you feel uncomfortable in life. You also seemed to have filled up your void and feelings of loneliness/abandonment by constantly trying to have people around, no matter if they are bad for you or not, which is a dangerous path to wander in the long run as you try to suppress and escape the feelings of loneliness instead of accepting them and mastering them.
    This is quite common in today's world but even if it is a tough lesson to teach people, it needs to be said:
    If you are not comfortable on your own, you will never be at peace and feel content with yourself, others and whatever tough issue that gets thrown into the mix. A person who is comfortable with themself and on their own do continuously attract the right people, circumstances and events in life because there are few things more attractive than people who feel comfortable in their own skin, aren't needy, and don't need other peoples' approval.

    You do really have to reconsider the following: is it really necessary to have people around all the time in order to escape the feeling of loneliness, even if those people influence me negatively?
    I am very comfortable on my own and despise any company with bad people who don't want to change to the better, listen and doesn't contribute anything to my life. In social settings, I always leave the rotten apples out and focus on those people who are interesting and fulfilling instead.
    Kiz Whalifa and Bananajoe like this.
  7. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    Along the lines of what Angus said above, I will go further and say I've even come to the conclusion that a lot of people are effectively surrounding themselves with people by going to face to face recovery meetings and never really working on themselves. From what I can see, this can EASILY happen for years, people who have gotten further have flat out said for 10+ years they didn't really take it seriously.

    I don't think sexual relationships is automatically any better. You get your fix, that's it. The intimacy may be little more than physical, emotional and instinctual. Frankly I don't think that counts as intimacy anymore, and it's absolutely ridiculous to me that people associate the word with sexual intimacy alone. It's pretty clear to me they don't know what that really means and have not really experienced it. You can have a platonic friend, of the same sex that you're not attracted to and that bond can be deep. Or you can have that with yourself, or with life.

    A lot of what peoples relationship with sex seems to have become a matter of consumption, like they've come to view both sexual and non-sexual, general socialization as a matter of consumption. And that's telling because it's never enough, it's a void you can't fill no matter how much you try.

    But it IS possible to find inner peace. It's not in people, things or circumstances. Inner points to inside yourself after all.
    Bananajoe likes this.
  8. Bananajoe

    Bananajoe Fapstronaut

    Thank you guys for your honest words. When I read this I notice how right you are. And I know all of this you know deep inside but I don’t know how to respond to it or how to realise this truth. I am praying already to god Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I was raised catholic so I familiar with that. And I know it’s an inner lack. It comes from the deep feeling of loneliness and boredom, not knowing what to do with my life. Due to my parents and my adolescent don’t have high self esteem, not feeling much worthy. So as you say, this acting of consuming all of these things, sex porn drugs party and gaming I just tried to escape. But as I know now what the issue is and where it comes from... I mean i don’t try to be the victim or blame my parents or someone else. Because otherwise I will stuck in the past and I will not move forward. I am ready to face my feelings and problems. I know what’s wrong. But I don’t know what to do. Because I don’t want to seek something in hope it will make it better . This will just end in an other escape mechanism, because there will be again an expectation. „If i do this or that it will be better“. So I just want to ask if it will help if I just go traveling on my own for some months (i always wanted to do a big trip since years, but work, money and relationships were always holding me back,.. I think I should just do it and don’t worry about anything). I mean a trip with no special aim. Just starting the journey with no expectation and not knowing where it will lead in the end.

    The main issue is that I want to change something but I don’t know how. I really feel like I need to go away from this environment I am living now. Just to get away from these triggers here next to me and give myself the time to recover. From this western world, social media and and and... but I am not sure as unsaid if this is just an other escape mechanism. But on the other hand I will spent a lot of time on my own with myself and maybe I learn to be comfortable with myself ?
    Kiz Whalifa likes this.
  9. Biggles

    Biggles New Fapstronaut

    "First step towards change is to recognize that change is needed"

    Loneliness the cancer of the heart, we can all agree that we have had that at one time in our lives. There has been some great thoughts from both religious and theraputic views. All have a place, it is you that must find what works for you. On your last comment you talked about going on a trip or stepping away from the environment you are in. I wouldn't suggest that it is "just an other escape mechanism". I stepped away from my own concerns and it gave me the clarity that I needed. So if done in the right mindset can be very benicial. Have you thought of joining a relief effort or putting your energy into helping others in your travels? (Soup kitchens, shelters, etc)

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