Why does my partner continue to use porn when it's causing ED?

Well. I definitely understand your frustration, and how you choose to respond to it is ultimately your decision. At the end of the day I think you need to let him be fully aware of your ultimatum. If you can't be in a relationship with him because of this issue, then you can't, and nobody has a right to tell you otherwise. So if that's how you feel, put your foot down and tell him.

I'll only disagree with one of things that you said:

Even for alcoholics, drug addicts, and smokers; quitting cold turkey is insanely difficult. Only a small percentage of them can anyway. And unfortunately, PMO is different; like an eating disorder it doesn't deal with an unfamiliar substance like alcohol or nicotine, it deals with one of the body's natural faculties. You can't quit an eating disorder cold turkey because, well, you need to eat... so you *have* to feed your object of addiction, and it's a long hard road trying to regulate and balance it since you can't just drop it all together and white-knuckle through the effects of withdrawal. PMO is the same way; unless you go monk mode (no orgasm, no sex at all, not even karezza.) then you're not truly going cold turkey. You're still feeding dopamine to the addicted portion of your brain. And even if you do go monk mode... the way society is nowadays, women commonly dress rather scantily, and sex is used to sell everything from toothbrushes to luxury cars; it's like being an alcoholic in a liquor store 24/7.

So yes, I do understand your position. And if you can't be with him because of this issue then that's the way it is and nobody can blame you. You have emotional needs and it certainly sounds like they are being horrendously neglected. But I don't think its a fair assessment to say that he should just be able to quit cold turkey. It's really not that simple.

 

I agree with you 100% and I'm a male. i think the ultimatum is a fair way to go but give him the chance to correct himself after you issues the ultimatum. If he fails I say leave. Kicking an addiction is possible and if you leaving is not enough for him to stop then you are in a doomed relationship to begin with

 

Sometimes you need a good slap in the face (metaphorically speaking) to be able to realize that you need to get serious about an addiction. For me, it happened after not being able to have erections with three different girls that I was attracted to. That gave me the motivational push I needed to leave porn behind once and for all even though I love it because it is much more important for me to be able to have real sex than the temporary pleasure I get from porn. I compare it to the activation energy required for a chemical reactions... If you are familiar with chemistry. Anyways, if your discontent is not enough of a push for him to get serious about it, I would say move on. maybe you leaving will be the slap in the face he needs after all...

 

After I read your posts I conclude you assume that you're in better position than him (attractive and younger) and have other options. It doesn't seem to be commitment which should be in relationships

 

I agree with the ultimatum. If you love him, give him a time-line of say... six months. If he loves you, he may do everything he can to change. If he does not change, leave.

 

Yeh commitment goes both ways. Ignore that dudes comment you're 100% in the right here.

 

I want to keep an interment relationship with my wife as well. But you see addiction, it is real hell and can almost seem to have no way of getting out.
I have tried over and over, and it stresses me out, depresses me and I really can't see the end of the tunnel in sight. I wonder at times, am I so sick and far gone, maybe that's it...

 

I know seriously right....ugh I left and the whole while all I heard was I'm changing , I'm serious, I'm doing it......and all the while his conniving little ass was living la vida loca via the loopholes of the security platforms we installed on his smartphone . Honestly I don't know how anyone can be with a selfish person. The porn is one thing but I feel like their are little red flags everywhere here with him. You sound too damn intelligent to carry on with the ssdd routine. My bf is nothing if he's not A1 first class about showing affection or jumping in to do anything I need him for even before I have to ask. He really is perfect.....EXCEPT FOR THIS PORN BS!!! It's going to sound ridiculous to say but if one has to endure this crap you ought to be getting something out of it in return for what it's doing to you down to a molecular level. You deserve better, we all do.

 

GG2002 said:
>> My partner is similar to you in the sense that he went through a bad divorce but that was 10 years before he met me and after the divorce he got heavily into pmo. He says his ex never wanted sex and it was all her fault the marriage ended. But in reality I know that's not true she did not cheat and there are two sides to every story. And now myself being with him I can see why she treated him the way she did. She just did not vocalize the problem or maybe she knew something was wrong but could not put her finger on it. Many men do not realize how their pmo effects the way they treat women outside of the bedroom so often wives feel a lack of intimate connection but have no idea why. The couple goes to therapy but the man never tells about the pmo mostly because he's embarrassed but also because he never links the two. I mention this because my partners anger towards his ex drove him deeper into PMO but it also allowed him to not deal with the pain and not accept any responsibility for his own behaviors that ended the marriage. He numbed it with pmo. But because of that he was stuck and never healed. There is nothing I won't do in bed I am freaky I have a high drive I initiate I don't turn him down and I am 10 years his junior but yet he prefers the porn. I do understand from a non emotional objective point of view that it's an addiction but I'm still in a relationship with someone that does not treat me the way I deserve to be treated. We can only be understanding for so long.

Here's one suggestion GG that may help. As has already been brought up, I can concur with what's been said about the addiction and him lying to you about it that he stopped. But your relationship sounds like it's on rocky ground if he's lying to you about stopping. Not a good sign at all. What about when you get married and porn is not doing it for him anymore? Is he going to lie then too? If porn's not doing it for him, does he escalate and start getting off on sex chat? Then, what about when that doesn't work? Does he suggest meeting those from the sex chat rooms? When and/or if he takes it to that extent, is he lying to you about that too? This guy sounds like he's just really really deep down the rabbit hole and I can't believe how badly frustrated it sounds like he is. That's not good sister. It's well know that porn CAN lead to escalated behaviors. Not saying that it will, but his frustration level sounds very high and that can lead a person to take drastic measures sometimes. I've never been even close to level of frustration.

So, here's the other reason he's lying to you. As another guy pointed out, it's an addiction and you're trying to take his heroine away. If he doesn't want to stop, that's extremely threatening to him. Make no mistake about it, this guy is a sex addict. I hate to say that, but it's the truth. I'm a sex addict too. But don't misunderstand that. I'm a sex addict in the sense that I'm addicted to the dopamine release. Guys on PMO are all sex addicts but that doesn't mean we're cheating on our SOs with other women. Sometimes we "cheat" on you with porn and my understanding is that women very much see it this way. If we're getting off on porn, like others have said, it's just like we're with that woman, at least that's the way it feels to some extent in our brain. Not really, and we're not physically with her, but she's definitely got herself on display and we're looking... Sometimes, we're just sex addicts and we can MO and that's that - that's enough to feed and end the sexual frustration we're experiencing.

So, here's the suggestion. Porn rewires a guy's brain. Period. Our reward-response mechanism is all jacked up when we're on porn. It can cause all kinds of nasty side effects like premature ejaculation, PIED, ED, desensitization to our units, etc. The side effects trickle down to the point that we can't have sex or achieve an erection under "normal" circumstances and/or we can't orgasm or have difficulty orgasming. Here's the suggestion. Help your guy get off porn by helping him rewire his brain. What this means is that he's not allowed to touch his unit or masturbate, and definitely not MO or PMO. If you guys are sexually active anyway, and you're delightfully (!) freaky, offer to fulfill his fantasies sexually. Have him write down what he'd like you to do on strips of paper and put it in a hat. Maybe you do one suggestion a week, or maybe you do one suggestion a day to help him rewire himself sexually. If that's too much...

Here's another suggestion, offer to get him off every day or any time he wants it. Orally, by hand, whatever. You be the dominant and give it to him good. No touching that cock! If he's off porn he'll be reconditioned within a few weeks or maybe sooner, especially if he's not wacking off himself. I suggest this because he's definitely got a disease and it's very hard - haha, that's what she said - to get off of it, especially when he's this frustrated. Maybe you offer to try this, but he's got to agree not to touch himself.

I don't know if this is too extreme. Or just plain dumb. But I think it would work because I've been frustrated too at one point or another, and over a year ago, I had no idea that porn caused all this trouble. And even after hearing about it, I still wasn't convinced it was gonna fix my problem. Thankfully I'm 21 days without PMO currently and I'm definitely back on the horse with renewed interest in ending this addiction. But I only offer this as a suggestion that might help if you're serious about this guy. Because it sounds like you are if you all are engaged, and given the level of craaaaaazzzzyyyyy you've already tolerated. That's nuts what you all have been through but when you're suffering from a porn addiction and you can't go, it can drive you insane. Good luck. I'd welcome comments or additional suggestions or even an edited version of my suggestion that may help the couple... Just trying to help here...

 

Hi @GG2002,

Are you still interested in this topic?

I really feel for you ladies struggling with a PA partner. Seeing what it did to my wife devastates me, and makes my heart bleed for those of you with a man not getting to where they should be.

If you view my posts, you will see that my wife and I have had REAL success and are truly happy for probably the first time in the 15 years we are together. I would like to post how we succeeded, but don't want to reply to a post over a month old if it "died"...

 

Hi @GG2002,

Sorry about the delay in replying. Unfortunately, work keeps me away from my wife and other activities! However, I went through the post in this thread with my wife last night, and told my ONE that I was going to reply. We also discussed the various things I wanted to say, but first I must ask the question that my ONE said when i had finished reading the posts:

"Why is she (GG2002) still with him? I was ready to leave you and you didn't treat me as badly as her SO apparently treats her"

That is the single biggest question that only you can answer.

Having read many of your posts, I don't see him having too many redeeming features, but I am sure there must be to make you keep searching for answers in a bid to turn what seems like a miserable relationship into a happier one.

From my own perspective, there are many factors that are different to yours in my escaping PMO, and although I don't have a "silver bullet" cure for you or your SO, I would like to put them down in the hope that someone will gain some insight, realize how harmful their behavior is or at least start searching for the truth.

The major difference in my case to many of the struggling women on NoFap is that I came to realize that i had a problem and researched it until i could no longer deny the facts of PMO. My SO and discussed this last night, and we are convinced that if she had been in your shoes (being the one to find out all the harm PMO causes) and I was still a full time PMO addict, she would have most likely NEVER have gotten me to admit my addiction. From my own experience, and being able to look back and see how shitty my attitudes and behavior was, the main reason is that the PMO addict hates their addiction, hates their behavior, hates their dirty secrets, hates their inability to satisfy their partner, hates constantly failing and ultimately hate themselves.

It has often been said that if you cannot love yourself, you cannot love anyone else, and I am testimony to that fact. Woody Allen said — "Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love." And that pretty much sums up most PMO addicts: We love PMO far more than our SO, and are so blinded by it that we cannot love anyone else how they deserve to be loved.

When I was trapped in PMO addiction, I honestly believed that I loved my wife, and could cite countless examples of the "proof" of my love - the financial, physical, time and emotional "sacrifices" and everything else I had made and done for for her etc.

Sad to say, a lot of it was BULLSHIT!

A lot of what I did was to make my ONE feel inferior to me, to make my ONE dependent on me and beholden and obligated to me. Plain and simple, a lot of it was egocentric, self-serving manipulation, and a pitiful attempt to diminish my self loathing. I constantly criticized my ONE, even when she did something to help me I would find fault and say something nasty, critical and hurtful instead. Looking back, it was probably to cause a fight so I could have time away from my ONE to go jack off. What an utter idiot I was. How much time was wasted with animosity and hurt when we should have been loving each other. I honestly believed that my inability to satisfy my ONE was ALL her fault. It was because she didn't initiate sex, because she didn't appreciate the sacrifices I made, she didn't respect me, she didn't understand me, she didn't.... the list was endless. My ONE constantly tried to understand why I was being such a dickhead, and would suggest that I brought work problems home and took them out on her. This nearly always resulted in a huge fight, as I knew that wasn't the case, but could not admit it was me, my sick habit and all the rest.

Deep down, my ONE knew something was wrong, but couldn't possibly know what the real cause of our strife was, because I was such a sneaky little shit. Once I admitted my addiction and started recovering, everything fell into place and made sense to my ONE. Not pushing scripture down anyone's throat, but after I stopped PMO, I was like Paul on his journey to Damascus. After God struck his donkey with lightning, and Paul was blind for a few days, later he said that scales fell from his eyes, and suddenly could see (the truth) and totally changed his beliefs, ideals and even his faith, and went from persecuting the Christians to becoming the author of most of the New testament!

@GG2002, @Bel and all the other SO's of addicts this is the MAJOR difference between my us and you hurting, bewildered SO's of porn addicts. I believe there is little chance of you convincing your PA partner that what they are doing is hurting the relationship. PMO addicts are too wrapped up in their own selfishness, lies, deceit and self-hatred that anything you say will probably result in fight. You need to do something to help them have a Damascus experience.

I know getting this right is difficult, because talking to other people at work who I KNOW are also addicts usually results in all the usual excuses and cynical replies that are so common. In one of the TED talk videos, it was stated that this is the first generation that will have to discuss porn with their children, so when my son came home a few weeks ago, I did just that. I told him how I got addicted, and at first he laughed at my comments and statements.

So I then showed him the videos below:

"The Demise of Men" and "Why boys are failing" by Phillip Zimbardo
"The Great Porn Experiment" by Gary Wilson

Having someone else with knowledge and authority talk about the subject on a video made a HUGE difference, and afterward, my SO, my son and I were able to discuss the subject rationally, and instead of laughing and making light of the subject, he REALLY listened, and asked questions. I refrained from accusing him, and my ONE and I spoke about the radical changes in my own attitudes, behaviors and emotions, which we are convinced had a positive effect on him.

So, although I cannot fix your problem, I close with this:

It has been said that a really smart wife has the idea, but makes her husband think HE thought of it. I think this is the only way that any PMO SO's will "see" the error of their ways.

I really, truly wish that the breakthrough I had can be duplicated on your SO's, that there was a magic bullet you could use, but I am concerned at reading how many of you are facing denial from your SO that I don't know if it is possible. Ultimately, you need to make a decision on how much of your own life you are prepared to give up in the hope of a "cure", and I echo the sentiment of others who have said that you must give an ultimatum, and sperate until they either come right or you get on with your own life.

Wishing you strength, tolerance, fortitude and ultimately, happiness.

Wazzbler.

 

Hey I dont know if i would be much help or not but I have a lot of experience with addiction in my life. Every parent and step parent have been hard core drug addicts throughout my childhood and when it comes to addiction of any type no one wants to become addicted never. But its something mentaly that draws them to it. Its that hit of dopamine that they get and its consistent and always available witch makes them addicted. But people turn to this stuff (pm) because something is missing in life. For me i was alone i didnt have a friend group, i didnt talk to women and by the time i was 17 i was addicted to (pmo) it started off casualy like any normal teenager would do with just (m) and eventualy i got internet conections and i would watch (p) and it gave me a fake intimacy to latch to and intimacy i had never experienced but because i had this (fake imtimacy) i was able to rely on it when stressed or bored or whenever i wanted it. My point is with all this is that something in his past, present, or future is unstable or unsure or uncomfortable for him that alows him to latch to (pmo) like a comfort blanket and only when its taken from him will he or any of us learn to life indipendantly from it.