Why does my partner continue to use porn when it's causing ED?

I'm 16 and have PIED. When I found out I did, I instantly started doing nofap. You should tell him about nofap and your feelings about his addiction and how it makes you feel. He could possibly be in denial about his issue, which is not good. I can't tell you what to do, but I feel as if he is being selfish and you need to be upfront about it. Addictions are not fun and are not easy to stop, you need to understand that. Best of luck.

 

Hes an addict. So on some level, to some degree.....Mentally ill. In order to change he needs to seriously want to.

 

He needs to realize that something is an addiction when it stops you from something - in this case, having a satisfying sex life with you. For what you've told us, the issue doesn't seem to be your body, so it's definitely his mind. The hardest thing now is convincing him that he has a problem to treat.

 

You should show him Your Brain On Porn and the TEDx talk about it. It should scare him into wanting to stop.

 

This is a genuine addiction. It is very tough to break. My advice is he needs some serious tough love. Tell him it's me or the porn and that's it or you are leaving his life forever. If he doesn't change from that then you need to end your relationship with him.

 

I'm almost 50 and did porn quite a bit while married for over 20 years. Of course, my ex was not at all freaky or experimental, or much younger but I found her attractive at the time, and she definitely turned me on. I recall one instance where my erection had waned after I got her off (that clit to di** grinding isn't the most comfortable) and all she had to do was kiss me very deeply and passionately to really turn me on and my unit responded quickly to get right back to full mast. That all said, we had marital/relationship issues including living with her parents the first few years of our marriage so everything got started off on the wrong foot. I never had any trouble with ED or any type of sexual performance no matter how ticked I was with her or even when I was on a porn binge the previous night. I even wanked off before sex sometimes to last longer and I could still get it up within less than an hour. Fast forward at the tail end of our marriage where the last year was sexless so I was spending more time with porn and PMO. I think at some point that woman took my manhood and after my divorce, 2 1/2 years since I'd had sex, I was on an antidepressant which is known to cause ED. I give all this history as I have an enlarged prostate and was taking saw palmetto and found that could have hurt the ED too. I'm wondering at this point if I have low testosterone because my ability to maintain an erection is much more difficult. And sex with a woman has been more difficult when my erection wanes. Needless to say, I've become much better at cunnilingus...

But, like the others said, this porn addiction is just that - an addiction. They say it's almost like the equivalent of being on heroine due to the same type of dopamine rush. It's not really the porn itself that turns me on, well somewhat, but the way my unit gets hard as a rock for hours and the way I spray when I ejaculate is a huge turn on. It's a major rush. I'm sure if I beat off for hours without porn I'd get the same result for the most part, and do, but I'm not motivated to wack off for that long without the search for something that gets me to the PONR. It's a disease and an addiction that never gets old. Unlike heroine, after you take a dopamine "hit" you can keep on going for as long as you want. It's just another click of the button to get another rush. No matter how many times you PMO, you can still keep going. It's not easy to lick, and I'm going through the same problems as your hubby. See my last post here - https://www.NoFap.com/forum/index.php?threads/yep-porn-is-bad-for-you.94210/. I'm still battling porn, and it's having ugly affects on me, but I still keep going back to it. Why? Because it's a nasty addiction that is much more difficult to quit than you think, especially for someone like you that doesn't have the addiction. Trust me, I'm motivated - I can't even have sex!!! - but I still relapse.

 

This is the exact reason I am here. However all that said, I know there is more to life that PMO ruins than just sex, after a 44 day streak last year I am going back to living like that.

Chatting to women I find attractive and remembering that I was masterbating for a week solid, just destroys my day.

My only regret is I didn't discover this earlier or at least take it seriously earlier in life.

 

Hey, I suffer from PIED too. Though it's improved tremendously now.

There tends to be a thought process (brain fog) which goes like this:

"Damn, I really want to improve.. okay I'll stop" *Which ends with being unable to perform again*

This leads to impatience and frustration, so the brain tricks us into thinking

"Just one more time won't hurt" or "I'll start on ____ date"

Which is all nonsense and completely false. You'll really have to talk to him about it

 

@GG2002 ,I think you're a little harsh on your partner.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have intimate relationships and wanting to be wanted, especially by your partner. But you have to understand the problems your partner is facing. This addiction cannot be broken with only you trying to change him. Only him can change himself. What you can do is really to persuade him to understand the consequences of his actions and make him join this website as his own account. Just FYI, when a man is addicted to porn, his brain will always trick him into watching more porn even when he physically and mentally can't carry on. Watching porn is almost as equivalent to sleeping with another woman. Since porn is just a few clicks away, the pleasure gained from watching it is really very easy to get as compared to real life sex where it's not just a matter of clicks. So obviously a person will choose the former since not much effort is needed.

Also, you'll need to know about the Coolidge effect. It is an effect that causes the man to lose interest gradually to the same sex partner over time, but immediately gets really interested to a new sex partner. This is just part of nature. Which is exactly why people can be addicted to porn. If you noticed, we almost never watch the same clip more than twice, and we always keep clicking on to find more varieties. That is exactly why we can be always interested, due to the Coolidge effect.

So try not to demand so much at first, try to understand his problems together. Don't be too harsh on him as to expect that he can just stop his addiction just like that. Steps need to be taken. He needs to be the one taking actions and creating his own account here instead of you. It won't be an easy journey, but it will definitely be worth it.

 

Yeah, it can be hard to leave an addiction, especially when it is so easy for him to just hide it from you. Maybe he doesn't truly believe that this problem is going to get fixed by leaving that addiction. You sound like a very understanding and patient woman that really wants things to work, but he's got to get serious about it. He must make the decision himself. Make him understand that this is very important for you and if he keeps doing it, I guess is your decision if you want to keep going through that or if you want to move on.

 

Dude... No offense... but you should really be careful having sex at 16.. I'm glad you're stopping PMO though...

 

Right here. I'm a married man and I've struggled with this myself. It's very different from porn induced ED, because as you said; he doesn't have trouble staying hard, he just can't "get there". This is a result of what's known as the "Death Grip": When masturbating, men often clench a strong fist to create an unnaturally tight sensation. Over time this desensitizes nerves and trains the brain to only respond sexually to a certain level of tightness that simply doesn't exist in normal intercourse. I'm not sure where your partner is at along the rest of his recovery, but that specific issue is a result of him being too rough with his meat. All of the issues you mentioned stem from what he has trained his brain to respond to; if he prefers porn to sex with you, it's because his brain has been wired to get the best reward most often with a combination of porn+hand, and he really can't help it until he fixes the underlying issue. Does he participate in NoFap? Does he acknowledge the problem at all? If not, the first step is definitely to convince him that he has a problem. Show him the science of porn addiction and masturbatory conditioning. Specifically mention the Death-Grip problem in connection to DE and inability to climax without his hand.

I'll be praying for you both. I know it's very hard dealing with a partner who has this problem, I do hope you can get through this together.

 

I understand. It sounds like he may be reluctant to open up because he sees how much it hurts you when he admits to having PMO'd, and so in his mind its better for both of you you if he doesn't admit it. This is, again, his brain's reward response system. He may not even know that he is thinking this way, but since his addiction has conditioned him to give into his urges and seek out dopamine highs regardless of consequence, he is essentially conditioned to act on what feels good; PMO gives gratification, so he does it. Telling you about it causes arguments and heartbreak, so he avoids it and lies about it. Sex causes frustration and leads to more arguments about PMO, so he withdraws from it. Right now he is programmed into an addictive mindset that is stripping him of his ability to function as a rational, self-controlled human being... and instead drives him to act on impulse based on reward/punishment.

This is common for people who are just now starting to recognize and combat their problem. The addicted portion of his brain recognizes that there is a threat to its regular flow of dopamine after a couple of days of him trying to avoid it, and so it doubles down on the frequency and potency of the urges in an attempt to further borrow itself in. This can lead to an even worse onset of binges and acting out. It's something that he is going to have to buckle down and prepare for when he tries to quit again. It's going to be rough for him; he'll feel like he isn't in control of his actions, and truthfully at times he won't be. The addictive portion of his brain takes over, and I can speak from experience: it's like locked-in syndrome sometimes. You can be screaming at yourself internally to stop, but you can't because it's like being possessed by a demon. You're stuck in a trance, and you just act out your addiction in spite of your strongest desire not to. Overcoming that is part of the process for long-time addicts; the key is to avoid triggers that throw you into that trance and to learn tricks for snapping yourself out of it.

What's important to realize is that his addiction shuts off the rational portion of his brain. He may very well have realized that it's bad a long time ago, but been in denial about it and refused to face it because that would mean he has to cut himself off of it. I'm sure simply telling him that it hurts you was enough for him to realize that it is bad, but he's at war with the basic instincts of his own brain. So him admitting that to you is a display of progress. It means that he's taking the first steps internally toward overcoming this. Frustration is probably one of the key things holding him back here. He doesn't want to fully and openly commit to quitting, because he's frustrated at his own failures, and it doesn't sound like he understands the science of it well enough to know why he keeps failing. The frustration factor is further illustrated here:

Just as above; frustration. He doesn't want to be honest and tell you when he has failed, because he's frustrated at repeatedly having to hurt you and admit his shame in failing, and not to mention it sounds like whenever it comes up it ends in a very unpleasant exchange. You have every right to be infuriated at his lies, and you have every right to express how hurt you are by his addiction... but in order for him to be honest with you, you may need to try not to lash out at him when he does talk to you about it. I would suggest sitting down with him and having a discussion about this issue and the importance of honesty. He needs to feel like he can open up to you about his failures without getting an explosive reaction, and you need to be clear with him that lying is not acceptable. Let him know that hiding it from you is worse than telling you he failed; and on the flip side, you may have to try very hard to reinforce that by not verbally and emotionally punishing him for being honest. Let him know that you intend to express patience with him from here on. You don't have to suppress your feelings or bite your tongue, and I'm not telling you that you shouldn't be furious, but be careful not to bite his head off if he admits to giving in, because that can make him feel like it's easier to just hide it. Do talk to him about your feelings regarding his relapses, but try to express them calmly, and its important that you're both on the same page about that.

Yes, that's definitely the problem. Right now he does still prefer PMO because the primitive part of his brain doesn't know any better. The goal here is to rebalance that the other way. It's going to be a grueling process; it'll take time, effort, sweat, and tears from both of you. You need to make sure that he is 100% on board and intent on recovering or he won't get anywhere. I'm learning myself that this process cannot be done in half measures, and it cannot be done without love, support, and patience.

I know it's hard, but I pray it gets better for you both.