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Why are you addicted?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by LumberSpartan, Apr 27, 2017.

  1. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    I think a lot of porn use derives from a sense of failure.

    I confessed to a colleague the other day that I was a complete and utter academic failure. I could see he was stunned at the brutal honesty as most people have this insecurity of failure gnawing away at them. There is a lot of pressure to 'succeed'. And in the next breath, I said I was fine with it because I thought academia had itself failed, where academics had largely become self-serving bureaucrats with their own little domain to protect.

    A failure in life? No problem, we are all going to be dust in a few decades anyway.

    More difficult is the sense of failure with woman and family. To overcome this you have to find a quality partner.... or go full-on monk mode to kill desire.
     

  2. I started watching porn at 18 when I was still virgin and never kissed. Boredom and curiosity brought me to porn. I wanted to know what sex was and be prepared when it would happen to me. I felt a huge toll on me because i was very shy at that time and all the other girls were talking about guys and I hated to fake knowing what they were talking about. I was always bullied during my school years until the end of high school. So also watching porn was making me think about something that was not only my depression and my loneliness. I didn't think I had an issue with porn until surprisingly with a priest I ended up mentioning my sexual behaviour and thoughts, especially the fact that at 21 after having pleasant sex with a guy I was seeing, I came home and went to watch porn for hours. I felt the need of it. That's when this priest made me think on this, that I realized I had an addiction.

    I replied to him that if I wanted I could have stopped whenever I wanted. I tried to stop and I saw it was not so easy to do so. Not having goal at mid 20s, seeing all the guys and girls getting degree or getting into long-term relationships made me depressed that I was behind them, that I what I wanted to realize in my life in my 20s was not happening.I was stuck with no direction, completely lost. So just in the last 2 years sex became my company in solitude, when I had a disappointment I would turn to sex, in order to feel protected and experience some love during and post-sex with the 2 guys I had dated in particular the last 2 ones. My longest relationships that each lasted 7 months.

    I was Mr Hyde and Dr Jekyll. The sweet girl needing love and the sex addict with a limitless sex behaviour. I am angry at myself because my addictions precluded me from having a normal relationship. Especially with my last guy I wanted to make it work so much. I have just collected failures to this point. After the end of my last relationship 3 months ago, I imagine being violent on me. last night at dinner I imagined using the knife against me or lately I have recurrent dreams of stabbing myself to death or imagining jumping under a train to get killed. I am 25 now
     
    LumberSpartan likes this.
  3. This is a terrible issue you have and I hope you are working on it. Self-hate and suicide is never okay.
     
    LumberSpartan likes this.
  4. ori713

    ori713 Fapstronaut

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    It's quite simple for me: I have a sex drive and a deep desire for affection and to be accepted. But I've always been shy, and relationships have always been few and far between. I've had very close friendships with a few people since childhood, but only with guys. I've never had an intimate relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I've always had a craving for physical and emotional closeness, and I turned to porn as a window into a world that I felt I couldn't experience. I always watched videos in which the couple at least pretended to care for each other, instead of the abusive domination videos that are all over the place.

    I still haven't reached a place where I've experienced close physical/emotional intimacy, but a lot of the desire for porn has gone away now that I've told myself that it is possible for me.
     
  5. I don't think there needs to be a 'root cause' for porn addiction...if you give an adolescent unlimited access to sexual material it's not surprising if he develops an addiction.

    Please watch Gabe's "porn myths" video
     
  6. I see death as a liberation from the pain I feel. But I cannot give up. I must survive this storm and get to the calm. Years ago I was actually dying due to cocaine overdose. In this period I am thinking I wish I have died that night, where I was still proud of myself, I didn't avoid looking at myself in the mirror. In the dream where I stab myself then I see my parents giving my ex a letter from me. Sometimes I ask myself how he would take knowing what he did to me

    Yesterday I found this passage from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/se...ex-addiction-the-moment-between-the-trapezes/ trying to understand why I feel so down. This doesn't interfere on my sex and porn addiction though. I feel deep disgust about that. Just the idea of flirting repulses me. Sort of asexual, not inspired by sex. That's the description of what I am going through

    "1. Most commonly, a chronic, low grade depression or dysthymia in a shame-based person who has low self esteem and relatively undeveloped social skills. This dysthymic disorder may be punctuated with major depression especially likely at the time of significant relationship losses or at the time of exposure of the pattern of sex addiction. Shame, loneliness, and awareness of lost time spent in active addiction may haunt the addict. When shame rolls in, depression follows the flood. This type tends to have a strong superego and be at risk for self-punitive suicidal thoughts and behavior."
     
    Buzz Lightyear likes this.
  7. Headspace

    Headspace Fapstronaut

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    I became addicted as a teenager when I was suffering mild social anxiety and, more importantly, was too weird to have a girlfriend. On some evenings I would feel the pain just to be alive and dwell in it for a while, but masturbate it away later when I felt I had enough. Back then I often made the conscious decision to fap the pain away, but the addiction stayed. Later I would fall in love with girls I met online, which didn't improve the situation.
     
  8. I did it for the Ö!
     

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